How to Create a Magical Relationship Part 9

T H R E E G O L D E N WO R D S: I A M S O R RY.

Over the years, the two of us have become more intimate.

Intimacy is a natural by-product when we communicate with one another, and as we became more trusting, we also dropped our s.h.i.+elds. As we opened our hearts, any unaware or insensitive behaviors hurt more acutely. It was important to realize that something that might have been a small transgression at one time took on added weight as we became more vulnerable.

Since this is the case, another important tool has been learning to use the three golden words: "I am sorry."

Saying you are sorry, and meaning it, is a miraculous heal-ing tool. We once coached a lady who said she would "rather crawl over ground gla.s.s" than tell her husband she was sorry for anything. As soon as she realized that the only thing she had to give up was being right about her point of view, saying she was sorry wiped away years of resentment.

The most challenging time to apologize is when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. At these times, it is important to rely on your listening skills. When you are truly listening, you are listening with the intention of hearing what the other person has to say from his or her point of view. If you can see your partner's perspective, it is easier to let yourself apologize.

F O RG I V E N E S S.

The person who gets hurt most when you don't forgive, when you hold a grudge, is you, because you have to hold on to it. And S e x a n d I n t i m a c y S e x a n d I n t i m a c y 129.

if you have hateful thoughts, then they Forgiveness will help run you-they don't help you at all.

you create the relation- If you have a relations.h.i.+p with somebody, without forgiving them for s.h.i.+p of your dreams.

what they did or didn't do, you can't It involves giving up have true intimacy. If you have a list of the right to punish, as his or her transgressions, every time you try to be intimate, that list comes if you are forgiving a between you. So you may have s.e.x, for debt-as though the instance, but it won't be truly nurtur- ing if you're holding on to things that transgression never your partner did wrong in the past.

happened.

Please don't misunderstand us. We are not saying that you should turn a blind eye to things that your partner may be doing that do not work for you. Part of what has allowed each of us to keep moving to deeper levels of intimacy has been the willingness to be straightforward with ourselves and with each other about what is acceptable behavior and what is not. However, there will be times in any relations.h.i.+p when each of you will do insensitive things. You can either keep a list of these offenses and literally carry them around with you as we saw in the story about Steve and Terri in Chapter 9, or you can truly forgive each other and move on.

PRU D I S H N E S S A N D S E X U A L S U P PR E S S I O N.

Many people have ideas or fantasies about being s.e.xually free and expressive, but when faced with the reality of the s.e.xual act, oftentimes old conditioning and programming takes over.

When you are raised to believe-or know-that s.e.x is bad, dirty, immoral, or sinful, then those beliefs unexamined will severely erode the possibility of having a fulfi lling s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p with your partner.

We knew a man who used to go drinking with his buddies, and the conversation would frequently turn to s.e.x and their 130 130 girlfriends and wives. During these get-togethers, he and his friends would fantasize about what they would like in a woman. girlfriends and wives. During these get-togethers, he and his friends would fantasize about what they would like in a woman.

"Oh, I would really love it if my lady were more aggressive. You know, be a tiger in bed," he'd say.

One night, his wife loosened up and became the tiger he had always wanted, but the strangest thing happened. In the midst of their lovemaking, he got scared and started to worry.

He had thoughts like, I wonder where she learned how to do this? I I wonder where she learned how to do this? I wonder if she was some kind of professional before I married her? What wonder if she was some kind of professional before I married her? What have I gotten myself into? have I gotten myself into?

Immediately, he found himself getting tight and withdrawn, and their lovemaking for that night was over. His judgments of her were so apparent and suppressive that his wife never again allowed herself to be so self-expressive and free.

Another client of ours reported that she once had a partner who was extremely disturbed when she made sounds of any kind during intercourse. He was unwilling to look at the possibility that he was prudish, and she felt so diminished by his judgments that she quickly ended the relations.h.i.+p.

Again, if you want to have a magical relations.h.i.+p, you must be kind to yourself and your partner. You must also have the courage to decipher those socially conditioned responses to s.e.x and intimacy so that your prejudices do not dominate your most intimate times together and sour what would otherwise be wholesome.

12.The Art of Listening

We teach courses all over the world and have discovered that whatever the culture, whatever the language, people often don't really, truly listen. Listening is usually perceived as a pa.s.sive act, but we have discovered that when "true listening"

is present, satisfying communication is sure to follow. This chapter is devoted to the art of listening. If you discover those things that keep you from listening, you will simultaneously discover many of the things that get in your way in relations.h.i.+ps and in day-to-day interactions. If you learn the art of listening, you will become more effective, productive, and satisfi ed in all aspects of your life.

True listening is not something that we have been taught growing up in our families, amongst our friends, or in school.

True listening requires being in the moment. It also requires letting go of your point of view, your thoughts, and your agendas. True listening is an art.

Have you ever examined whether or not you are truly listening? Have you identifi ed what inhibits your ability to actually hear what another person is saying with the intention of seeing what he or she means from his or her point of view?

What we are talking about here is a self-education program.

First you must have the desire to discover how you listen and interact with your life from a nonjudgmental point of view.

It is not about trying to change or fi x what you notice in the self-examination of your behavioral patterns. If you just notice 131 131 132.

True communication True communication how you are relating to your life, that in itself is enough to complete previously requires listening to disturbing patterns of behavior. Fre- hear what is being said quently, no other actions are needed.

from the point of view This also applies to the way in which you listen, don't listen, or distract your- of the speaker. This is self from listening.

an intentional under- T RU E L I S T E N I NG.

standing of the other If a person doesn't feel heard, then person's point of view.

frustration builds and misunderstand- ings are sure to happen. It requires a degree of openness, however, to actually hear what is being said. There are impediments to truly listening to your partner.

People frequently are not open to hear simply because they are already involved in a thought or an action. But as we have seen with the Second Principle of Instantaneous Transformation, we can do only one thing at a time if we expect to do it well.

Making sure you have your partner's attention is the best way to start when you are saying something of importance.

If your partner says, "I really enjoy taking cold showers,"

and you think this point of view is stupid, you will disagree and comment in your head rather than just hear what he or she is saying from his or her point of view. Often, many of us are so fearful of being manipulated into doing something we don't want to do, that we resist hearing for fear it will be another request put upon us that we don't want to fulfi ll.

PR E O C C U PAT I O N W I T H A PRO B L E M.

If you are preoccupied with a thought or something you consider problematic, then you can't truly listen because your mind can hold only one thing at a time. If you are worrying about something, then you won't hear what is being said to you.

The two of us were speaking on the telephone with a friend of ours, Serela. As we spoke, the conversation got more confusing and stilted as she kept talking faster to answer quesT h e A r t o f L i s t e n i n g 133.

tions we hadn't even asked. Things became rushed, jumbled, and frustrating. It was a strange phone call. We wondered what had happened to make Serela, who just the day before had been calm and centered, so distracted and jumpy. We asked some questions in an attempt to solve the puzzling turn of events.

First, we inquired if she was sure it was a good time to talk because she seemed rushed. She a.s.sured us there was nothing pressing in her schedule, she had plenty of time to chat. So we said she seemed preoccupied and asked if something had happened in the last twenty-four hours that upset her. Serela got quiet for a moment and then told us that her ex-boyfriend had called in the middle of the night. After telling her how mean she was and how much she had hurt him and how sad he was because they had broken up, he had hung up on her. All morning, Serela had been talking with him in her mind, telling him all the things she hadn't had a chance to say. She was arguing with him mentally as she tried to rea.s.sure herself that she wasn't really a mean person.

When Serela spoke with us, it was hard for her to really talk and listen because she was already involved in the ongoing conversation in her thoughts. When she simply saw that the phone call from her ex had knocked her off balance, she was restored to herself, and suddenly our communications were clear again.

Most of us are unaware when we are actually doing something other than listening. We haven't realized that we are already engaged or preoccupied so that we only partially hear what is being said, and partial hearing is almost always inaccurate.

Have you ever noticed how some people say the same things to you over and over? That is generally because you didn't really hear them the fi rst time. Since true listening is an active rather than a pa.s.sive act, it requires your full attention.

If you are at all caught up in your own thoughts while listening to other people, they are left with the feeling that they have not been heard. Which is, in fact, true. How could a baseball 134 134 player catch a ball if he already had a baseball in his mitt? This is essentially what you are trying to do if you are preoccupied while listening to someone else. It is as if you are trying to catch a communication while your "mitt" is already full. player catch a ball if he already had a baseball in his mitt? This is essentially what you are trying to do if you are preoccupied while listening to someone else. It is as if you are trying to catch a communication while your "mitt" is already full.

F I L L I NG I N T H E B L A N K S.

As we discussed in earlier chapters, our minds are like computers and they can only operate with what they already know.

For instance, if you hear a word that you don't already have in your mental databank, you are likely to fi ll in the blank with one your logic system a.s.sumes is the same or a reasonable facsimile.

Here is an example of how it works. When we fi rst moved to our current home, we were unfamiliar with the area but soon found that one of the towns nearby is called Flemington.

After our move, our friend and real estate broker, Nina, was promoted to a managerial position in a new real estate offi ce in Flemington-or so we thought. For weeks we drove by her new location and scanned the parking lot, looking for her car.

It seemed as though she was never there. Finally, we called her and said, "We tried to come by and see you today, but you were out. Boy, you must be busy. We keep driving by, and your car is never in the lot."

She replied, "What do you mean? I was in all day today."

We asked if she had a new car, but no, that wasn't the answer. It seems we had misheard when Nina told us she had been promoted. She didn't actually work in Flemington at all.

She managed the offi ce in Pennington. Having never heard of Pennington, our minds just fi lled in the blank with a name we knew.

F I L L I NG I N W I T H W H AT YO U E X P E C T.

When you are in a relations.h.i.+p with someone, after a period of time, you believe that you know this person and, by extension, what he or she is going to say before it's said. When the fi rst T h e A r t o f L i s t e n i n g T h e A r t o f L i s t e n i n g 135.

few words come out, you a.s.sume you know where the sentence or story is going. So your mind fi lls in the blanks with what you expect to hear, and you stop listening to what your partner is actually saying. You may be right most of the time. But there are times when your partner is going to say something else, and you are not receptive because you already have the ball in your mitt. Or you may not even hear what is being said because you think you know it already and have moved on in your thoughts.

If so, chances are your partner will feel disregarded.

PROV I NG YO U R S E L F R I G H T.

At this point, we must talk again about the Second Principle of Instantaneous Transformation: no two things can occupy the same s.p.a.ce at the same time. If your mind is already busy with what you intend to say when you get your chance, then you can't possibly hear what is being said to you. And that is on the most basic level. If you are mentally defending your point of view- often completely unaware that this is what you are doing-then you won't want to hear what is being said, as in Roger's example of wanting to be paid his 6 percent right away (see Chapter 3). When you If you drop what you are defending yourself, your mind will manipulate what is being said so that you want to say and listen, can disagree, prove it wrong, and prove when you do respond, yourself or your point of view right.

you might discover Have you ever found yourself fi nd- ing fault with your partner's use of that you have some- words or a particular word rather than thing completely new allowing yourself to hear the essence and more appropriate of what he or she is saying? Frequently, when people engage in conversation, to say. If what you they are trying to prove that what they initially wanted to say believe to be true is true. So when we listen to each other, we are still holding is still relevant, it will on to our point of view.

come back on its own.

136.

T H E C U LT U R A L I N F L U E N C E S T H E C U LT U R A L I N F L U E N C E S O F L I S T E N I NG.

One day, while walking down the street on the Italian Riviera, we saw a three- or four-year-old girl having a conversation with her father. What impressed us most was how she expressed herself with her hands. The cultural way of gesturing in that region is to wave one's hand emphatically as an extension of the words. The girl demonstrated a smaller version of the gestures going on all around her. She didn't think about learning this way of communicating, it was absorbed along with the culture.

You have also absorbed culturally infl uenced ways of relating, which include not wanting to appear stupid, wanting to be right, and trying to look good. These ways of relating have become fi lters through which you listen. So listening is not simply an act of hearing what someone else has to say. Each communication goes through a quick check to see how it might affect your agenda to get ahead, be smart, or look good.

L I S T E N I NG W I T H A N AG E N DA A major inhibitor to listening is your agenda. Wanting something when you talk with another person is not a problem-if you are aware of it. For instance, if you are a salesperson who gets paid a commission on items sold, you obviously want potential customers to purchase something. However, if you push to meet your agenda rather than paying attention to your customers' needs, you are sure to turn people off and lose sales. A major inhibitor to listening is your agenda. Wanting something when you talk with another person is not a problem-if you are aware of it. For instance, if you are a salesperson who gets paid a commission on items sold, you obviously want potential customers to purchase something. However, if you push to meet your agenda rather than paying attention to your customers' needs, you are sure to turn people off and lose sales.

In effect, going for your agenda often produces the opposite of the desired result. This holds true for personal relations.h.i.+ps as well.

Please don't misunderstand. There is nothing wrong with having an agenda. If you want a better relations.h.i.+p or more intimacy, for example, that is not a problem. The problem arises when you are unaware of your agendas and are mechanically driven to fulfi ll them. If you are aware of the things you T h e A r t o f L i s t e n i n g T h e A r t o f L i s t e n i n g 137.

want (or don't want), then you can hold these preferences in abeyance and actively listen to what your partner has to say.

B R E AT H I NG R E A L LY H E L P S.

Sometimes you just have to take a nice, deep breath and tell yourself that what your partner has to say isn't going to hurt.

It helps to take a deep breath, relax a little, and listen without defending yourself. The ability to listen without defending is a very powerful tool, but it takes self-discipline to allow yourself to actually hear what your partner is saying without protecting yourself or trying to prove that your point of view is right.

C O M PA S S I O N , C O M PA S S I O N , C O M PA S S I O N.

If your partner is telling you about something you did or didn't do that upset him or her, if you realize that you couldn't have done it any differently than you did, it is possible for you to have compa.s.sion for yourself. And when we say compa.s.sion for yourself we are talking about a state of grace, of self- forgiveness.

Most of us have the mistaken opinion that we could have lived our lives differently than we did, but if you look back, you will see that everything you did in your life was perfect as it was, has led you to this present moment, and brought you to where you are now. Though you may think in retrospect that you could have done things another way, when you were actually living through those circ.u.mstances, you did only what you could do at the time. You couldn't have done it any differently in reality.

To make this point clearer, let's go back to the camera a.n.a.logy we used in Chapter 2. If we were to take a picture of you sitting down and smiling, in the same instant that the camera's shutter opened and closed, could you have been standing and frowning? Of course not. Well, two seconds before we took the picture, could you have been different than you were in that moment? The only answer we can come up with is no. Using this camera a.n.a.logy, if you tease it back in time, you can see how everything that has happened in your life could have hap-138 pened only the way it did and not the way you think it ought to have happened. This opens the door for the possibility of compa.s.sion-compa.s.sion for yourself and for others. pened only the way it did and not the way you think it ought to have happened. This opens the door for the possibility of compa.s.sion-compa.s.sion for yourself and for others.

In philosophy, there is the concept of determinism versus free will. Determinism means that your life is predestined, and you really don't have a choice in the way things are. Free will implies that you have total choice in the way things are.

What we are saying is that you have no choice in the way things were were. You may think that the way things were should have or could have been different, but the reality is that you have no choice now. Things were the way they were Things were the way they were. You may have a choice in how things turn out in the future, but the past is already written and you couldn't have done anything differently than the way you did.

The only thing useful about thinking you could have done things differently is if you want to use the past to torment yourself. We have found that tormenting yourself does not produce great relations.h.i.+ps, so we suggest that you don't do this.

R E I N T E R PR E T I NG T H E PA S T.

Even if you accept our premise that "what's done is done," the past is still open to interpretation. Dwelling on the past is how many torment themselves, thereby fettering their ability to create magical relations.h.i.+ps. We would like to offer a story to ill.u.s.trate another possibility: There once was an old man who lived in a kingdom, and while he was otherwise poor, he was the owner of a magnifi - cent white stallion. One day the king of the land rode through the old man's tiny village and spied the exquisite horse. Being an honorable king, he offered the old man a fortune to purchase the gallant steed.

The old man thought about the king's handsome proposal and said, "Thank you, Sire, for your generous offer, but I would rather keep my horse."

After the king had departed, the villagers surrounded the old man. "Old Man," they said, "what a stupid thing to do. You T h e A r t o f L i s t e n i n g T h e A r t o f L i s t e n i n g 139.

could have been wealthy beyond your wildest imagination if you had accepted the king's offer!"

To this the old man replied, "Stupid, smart, I don't know.

All I know is I still have my horse."

A week or so later, the white horse broke out of his corral and ran off during the night. The villagers were quick to comment, "Old Man, what a horrible turn of events. Now you have no horse and no wealth either!"

To this the old man replied, "Horrible, wonderful, I don't know. All I know is my stallion is gone."

A week pa.s.sed and the stallion returned, leading a whole herd of wild mares with him. The villagers a.s.sembled outside the old man's corral to admire the mares. "Old Man," they exclaimed, "what wonderful good fortune! Not only do you have your valuable stallion back, but you have the great luck of having a whole herd of mares too."

c.o.c.king his head, the old man surveyed the stallion and his new mares and replied, "Wonderful, horrible, great luck, bad luck, I don't know. All I know is I have my stallion back and the mares are here, too."

A week later, while trying to break one of the new mares, the old man's only son was bucked off and badly broke both of his legs. The villagers were quick to share their opinions. "Old Man," they said, shaking their heads sadly, "what an unfortunate accident. How horrible. If only you had sold the horse, then your son would not have broken his legs. Now who will take care of you in your old age?"