Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop Part 16

"Well, Mrs. Fisher was one of 'em. She did sort of explain it away afterwards, though. She said she was so happy she laughed at any nothin' at all. Seems Mr. Fisher set John Bunyan to cuttin' the gra.s.s, 'n' the boy went 'n' sheared right over the bed o' petunias. Seems them petunias was the apple o' Mr. Fisher's eye 'n' he wanted a dish of 'em with every meal. Mrs. Fisher says 't to her mind a woman has work enough gettin' the meals without havin' to get petunias too, 'n'

she was nothin' but glad to see what a clean shave John Bunyan made o'

the whole thing. She was down town buyin' him some marbles. She went into Sh.o.r.es after 'em, an' she 'n' Miss White come out together. I know suthin' had happened the minute I see Miss White's face, f'r angels chantin' glory was nothin' to it. Do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, that Fox never lived up to the trumpet bargain one hour, but jus'

yelled 'n' blew alternate, till the Deacon was nigh to deaf 'n' old Mrs. White begun to hear, 'n' they was all 'most fit for the Insane Asylum when Mrs. Sperrit come in to leave a skirt for new braid, 'n'

she jus' up 'n' took Fox home with her. She says 't he can make all the noise he wants to out on the farm, 'n' the Whites is all but in Paradise as a result."

"I sh'd think--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.

"Well, I d'n' know," said Susan; "you may think so, but you didn't look like it when I come. You looked to be asleep, Mrs. Lathrop, 'n'

bein' 's to-day's been a hot Monday 'n' to-morrow 'll likely be a hot Tuesday, I feel some inclined that way myself. So good-night."

Susan's prophecy as to what the next day would be came true. It was a scorching Tuesday, and nothing but the feast of gossip which "the square" held upon this particular week could ever have drawn a crowd there on so sultry a night.

"But every one was out," she told Mrs. Lathrop, as they met by the fence along towards nine o'clock, "'n' oh my! you'd ought to 'a' been there. Mrs. Craig's found her cat, 'n' that takes the lead, for she come back of her own accord from a place where no one 'd ever 'a'

expected her to come back from."

"Where did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop eagerly.

"Come up in the well-bucket," replied Miss Clegg promptly,--"she come up in the well-bucket this afternoon all but her tail, 'n' they think Augustus must 'a' strained that throwin' her in by it 'n' so it soaked off extra easy. Mrs. Craig went for him the minute she see the cat, but, lor', you can't get nothin' out o' Augustus; he jus' said, 'Wash zhat?--Zhat a cat?--Zhi a cat?--Zhu a cat?' 'n' Mrs. Craig was too mad f'r words. She says 't they've been noticin' a curious taste in the water, but not bein' in the habit o' drinkin' the house cat, they never thought of its bein' him. She's troubled over findin' the cat 'n' troubled some more over not findin' the tail. She says Mr. Craig says 't he wouldn't consider for one second cleanin' out a well for a trifle like a cat's tail, 'n' yet, for her part, she ain't noways inclined to keep on livin' on cat's hairs indefinitely. She says 't Mr. Craig says 't she can easy fish the tail up with the well-bucket, but fis.h.i.+n' for suthin' 's you can't see ain't so funny as a woman's husband 's apt to make out. 'S far 's my observation 's 'xtended, a man always gives his wife to understand that what'd be a bother or mebbe impossible for him to do 'll be jus' a pleasant afternoon for her. I took it on myself to tell her that very same thing. 'Let him fish that tail himself for a day or two,' I says; 'about the six hundred an' fortieth time 't he winds up that bucket 'n' finds himself still short o' that tail I'll venture my guess 't he won't find the joke 's fine 's he did at first.' But she was too used up to know when she was havin' good common-sense talked to her; she jus' kep' wipin'

her eyes, 'n' then Mrs. Sperrit drove up 'n' the whole rigmarole had to be gone over again for her. I mus' say that she behaved kind of un-neighborly, f'r she laughed fit to kill herself, 'n' Mrs. Craig was nigh to put out over such doin's,--'n' the cat not dead a week yet; but when Mrs. Sperrit got through laughin' she made up f'r it all, for she said if Mrs. Craig was willin' she'd take Augustus home with her.

Mrs. Craig couldn't believe she was in earnest at first, 'n' then she wept again with sheer joy. 'N' what _do_ you think 't Mrs. Sperrit did?--Took Augustus straight across to Mr. Sh.o.r.es 'n' bought a dog-collar 'n' a chain for him 'n' buckled it on right then and there.

'I'll engage he don't throw no cats down no wells out on the farm,'

she says, 'n' then off she drove with the youngster sittin' up beside her prim 's a poodle."

"Did you hear--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, chewing pleasantly.

"I see Mrs. Brown," Susan continued calmly,--"she was down in the square. Seems 't young Dr. Brown didn't get to observe Henry Ward Beecher like he expected. He 'n' Amelia went over to Meadville, 'n'

mebbe they'll go on to the city from there, f'r his practice is spreadin' so 't he's got to buy a bigger borin'-machine, 'n' he wants a lot more bastin' thread an' needles. But Henry Ward Beecher was up 'n' doin' as usual last night. He sk.u.m two pans o' milk 'n' didn't put the covers back, so a June bug got in. Mrs. Brown says Mrs. Craig 's welcome to drink her cat if she favors the idea, but she ain't drinkin' no June bugs herself, so she had to give the complete pan to the pigs. 'N' he eat more too!--he eat ajar o' watermelon pickles 'n'

all the calves-foot jelly 't was all ready f'r old Mrs. Grace. It's a serious matter about the jelly, for Mrs. Grace 's most dead 'n' all the calves in town is alive, 'n' so where any more jelly 's to be got in time the Lord only knows. Mrs. Brown thinks some one 'd ought to write to the minister; she says it ain't possible 's he's always eat like this nights 'n' she wants to know how to put a stop to it. Mrs.

Allen thinks 't some one 'd ought to write to the minister too. She says 't Sam 'n' Felicia was down on the bridge last night a-holdin'

hands. She says Polly saw 'em.

"'N' Gran'ma Mullins is another as thinks 't some one 'd ought to write to the minister. She was down town a-buyin' some honey to put on little Jane's thumb. She's all but stark mad. She says mice 'n' moths is goin' to be mere jokes to her hereafter. She says 'f the minister don't come back soon little Jane 'll have her sucked out o' bed 'n'

board. She says little Jane 's like him in the history 't where he chewed the gra.s.s never grew again. There seems to be considerable anxiety 's to when the minister 'll get back. n.o.body thought to ask him where he was goin', 'n' as a consequence n.o.body knows where he's gone. n.o.body thought to ask him when he was comin' back, 'n' 's a consequence no one knows when he's thinkin' o' comin' back. Mr.

Kimball says 't his view o' the matter is as the minister was tired o'

havin' thirteen children 'n' is gone off somewhere else to begin all over. Fun or not, the idea 's sort of upset every one. They went down to see where he bought his ticket for, but Johnny says he only took it to the junction, 'n' my own experience is 't a junction may lead to 'most anythin'. Mrs. Macy says 's there's only one way to be sure whether he's gone for good or not, 'n' that is to go up to the house 'n' see whether he took his ear-m.u.f.fs along, for it stands to reason 't any man who 'd pack his ear-m.u.f.fs a week like this ain't intendin'

to ever return. Every one see the sense o' that, 'n' so Mrs. Macy 's app'inted herself to go 'n' look the house over to-morrow mornin'. I must say 't 'f she don't find them ear-m.u.f.fs the c'mmunity 'll be pretty blue to-morrow night. No one knew how fond they was of the minister until they begin to find out what them thirteen childern come to when you add 'em all up separately. I d'n' know's I ever was so glad of anythin' in my life 's I am that I drew No. 14 out o' Mrs.

Craig's sugar-bowl. Fate 's a strange thing when you look it under 'n'

over 'n' hind end to, Mrs. Lathrop,--there was me drawin' No. 14 'n'

Mrs. Craig herself gettin' Augustus, 'n' all on account of a sugar-bowl, 'n' that sugar-bowl hers 'n' not mine."

Mrs. Lathrop applied her clover, but said nothing.

"Well, I d'n' know as there's any good to be gained out o' our standin' here chattin' any longer. We'd better be gettin' to bed 'n'

thankin' our merciful Father 't we hav'n't got none o' the minister's children, 'n' that's a prayer 's not many c'n put up this night."

Mrs. Lathrop threw her clover away and returned to her own domicile.

On Wednesday, between the intense heat and the equally intense excitement engendered by Mr. Kimball's suggestion, the town was rife with a hive-like tumult. Miss Clegg went down to return Mrs. Macy's call soon after dinner, and when she got back it was all of six. Mrs.

Lathrop was so anxious to hear the latest news from the seat of war that she had prepared a company tea by the dining-room window and hailed Susan directly she was near enough to hail.

"I want you to come to--" she cried.

"Well, I believe I will," her friend answered cordially. "I believe I'd really enjoy to pervided you ain't got nothin' with dried currants in it. They say the heathen Chinese eat flies for currants, but I never was no heathen Chinese."

"I ain't got--" Mrs. Lathrop a.s.sured her.

"Then I'll come 's soon 's I c'n get my bonnet off," Susan answered, and proceeded to unlock her own domain and enter into the sacred precincts thereof.

Ten minutes later the friends sat on opposite sides of Mrs. Lathrop's hospitality.

"I s'pose 't a good deal--" began the older woman, as she poured out the tea.

"More'n any other day," said the younger; "it almost seems 's 'f more 's happened than I c'n remember to tell over again. I see Mrs. Macy, 'n' it was lucky 't I went to see her, f'r she was _the_ one 's knowed everythin' _this_ day, f'r sure. The first thing she told me was 't the minister 's got his ear-m.u.f.fs right along with him. She says the ear-m.u.f.fs is the only thing 't she didn't find, f'r she's willin' to swear 's she opened more 'n a hunderd bundles. She said she was clean wore out towards the last, 'n' discouraged too, 'n' she thought she'd go over to Mrs. Duruy's 'n' ask Felicia Hemans if she know'd anythin'; so she did, 'n' when she got there the house was all shut up, 'n' a piece o' paper stuck in the front door between the k.n.o.b 'n' the wall, simply statin' 't Felicia Hemans 'n' Sam was gone to Meadville to get married. All it said was 'Me 'n' Sam were married in Meadville afore you can get this. Your everlasting daughter.' She see 't it was meant for a little surprise for Mr. Duruy when he come home 'xpectin' to get his dinner, 'n' she thought she'd ought to give it to him right off; so she went back 'n' got her stick 'n' jus' went to town 's quick 's ever she could 'n' walked straight in on him with it. He took on awful 'n' stamped around an' shook, his fist right in her face, an' swore at her till she was frightened 'most to death, 'n' then it turned out 't he'd thought as it was her 's had married Sam on a'count o' there bein' no 'Felicia' signed to the letter. The other shock when he come to understand brought on a appleplecktic fit, 'n', seein' 's young Dr.

Brown 's away, they had to send 'way to Meadville f'r old Dr. Carter, 'n' Mrs. Macy had to stay 'n' take care of him, with him light-headed half the time 'n' the other half all out o' his mind 'n' sure she was married to Sam. She said 't it didn't take much o' such doin's to get her so aggravated 't she jus' told him flat 'n' plain 's she was sixty-seven years old and that meant 's she knowed sixty-seven years too much to marry his son. She said he begin to rave 'n' choke all fresh 't that, 'n' her patience come clean to a end right then 'n'

there, 'n' she picked up the water-pitcher 'n' told him 'f he dared to have another fit she'd half drown him. She said he got reasonable pretty quick when he see she was in earnest, 'n' she had him sittin'

up by the window afore Dr. Carter got there. Mrs. Duruy 'n' Sam 'n'

Felicia Hemans all drove over with the doctor, 'n' Dr. Carter had telegraphed young Dr. Brown to come 'n' observe Mr. Duruy's fit with him, so Dr. Brown 'n' Amelia 's home too, 'n' all down around the crick is real gay. O' course Mrs. Macy 'd done with the fit afore they got there, but young Dr. Brown wants Dr. Carter to stay over night 'n'

observe Henry Ward Beecher, 'n' Dr. Carter says 't he thinks he will.

He says he ain't got no real important case on hand jus' now, only he says it's a ill wind 's blows no man good 'n' he's lookin' for this heat to lay some one out afore long.

"Gran'ma Mullins come up to Mrs. Macy's while I was there, 'n' she's pretty mad. Seems she hurried to Mr. Duruy's jus' 's soon 's she heard of the doctors there, 'n' wanted 'em to come over to her house 'n'

observe little Jane's thumb, 'n' Dr. Carter jus' flatly up and said little Jane's thumb was beneath the kingdom o' medicine. She was awful put out about it, 'n' she vows 'n' declares 's she'll die afore she ever asks another doctor to do anythin' f'r her. I guess that's true enough too, f'r 'f the minister really is gone nothin' ain't never goin' to cure her o' little Jane. Mrs. Macy give her some tea, but she was too used up to drink it. She says little Jane 's gettin' worse 'n'

worse. She bit a piece out of a gold-band cup last night, 'n' she gnawed all the jet cherries off o' Gran'ma Mullins' best bonnet while Gran'ma Mullins was to Mrs. Duruy's."

Miss Clegg paused to eat and drink somewhat. Mrs. Lathrop, who had finished her own eating and drinking, sat breathless.

"I see Mrs. Fisher on my way home. She 's happy as ever. She says nothin' must do last night but Mr. Fisher must build a flyin'-machine with John Bunyan to hold the nails when he hammered. Mrs. Fisher says she quit holdin' nails afore she'd been married a year 'n' Mr. Fisher 's jus' wild now 't he's got a new hand to hold his nails f'r him. She says they were tinkerin' on the thing all last evenin' 'n' a good part o' this mornin' 'n' two mattresses to beat 'n' a chair to mend 's never counted for anythin'. Well--seems 't towards noon Mr. Fisher got to where he could go down town to get the top part pumped up, 'n'

while he was down town what did John Bunyan do but up 'n' put wheels on the bottom part? My! but Mrs. Fisher says 't Mr. Fisher was mad when he got back 'n' see them wheels. He tied the pumped up part to the hammer 't was layin' on the garden bench, 'n' then he shook John Bunyan hard 'n' asked him what in thunder he meant by puttin' wheels on a flyin'-machine, 'n' John Bunyan jus' up 'n' asked him to his face how under the sun he was 'xpectin' to make the thing go 'f it didn't have no wheels on it. Mrs. Fisher says she was in behind the kitchen blinds 'n' she was fit to kill herself laughin' to see how mad Mr.

Fisher got,--he got so mad 't he backed up 'n' fell over the garden bench 'n' busted the pumped up part o' the flyin'-machine all hollow.

Mrs. Fisher says it finished her to see a flyin'-machine with the top part all holes 'n' the bottom part all wheels. She says she 's give John Bunyan her father's cuff-b.u.t.ton 'n' told him 'f he keeps on 's well 's he 's begun 't she 'll give him a b.u.t.ton f'r the other cuff the day he's twenty-one.

"Mrs. Brown was down town buyin' eggs. She says them Leghorns o' hers can't begin to keep up with Henry Ward Beecher. She says, besides, 't she hasn't no sc.r.a.ps to feed 'em since he's come, 'n' so the knife cuts two ways. She's mighty glad that the observin' 's goin' to begin to-night, f'r she says she's prayin' Heaven for relief but she ain't got much faith left. Mr. Kimball was feelin' mighty funny, 'n' he hollered to her 't she wa'n't the first to have her faith shook by Henry Ward Beecher, but we was all too considerate for her feelin's to laugh. I wouldn't laugh at a joke o' Mr. Kimball's anyhow."

"I wish--" said Mrs. Lathrop mildly.

"It's a curious thing," continued Susan,--"it's a mighty curious thing how many folks is give to likin' to hear themselves talk. Mr.

Kimball's a sad example o' that kind o' man. I'd sometimes enjoy to stop 'n' exchange a few friendly words with him, but, lor'! I'd never get a chance. The minister is about all I c'n stand in the talkin'

line--'n' you, o' course, Mrs. Lathrop."

The evening after, as Susan was snapping out her dish-towels, she spied her neighbor meandering back and forth among the clover blossoms. Later she observed her standing--ruminative and ruminating, so to speak--at the fence. There was always a potent suggestion in Mrs. Lathrop's pose, as she leaned and waited, which vastly accelerated Miss Clegg's after-dinner movements. In this case less than two minutes intervened between the waiting of Mrs. Lathrop and the answering of her younger friend.

"Was you to--" the older woman asked, as her eyes were brightened by the approach of her medium of communication with the world at large.