Quips and Quiddities Part 52

_Conceits, Clinches_, etc. (1639).

Charles Kemble used to tell a story about some poor foreigner, dancer or pantomimist in the country, who, after many annual attempts to clear his expenses, came forward one evening with a face beaming with pleasure and grat.i.tude, and addressed the audience in these words:--"Dear Public! moche oblige. Ver good benefice--only lose half-a-crown. I come again!"

J. R. PLANCHe, _Recollections_.

"Let's show," said M'Clan, "to this Sa.s.senach loon That the bag-pipes _can_ play him a regular tune.

Let's see," said M'Clan, as he thoughtfully sat, "'In my Cottage' is easy--I'll practise at that."

He blew at his "Cottage," and blew with a will, For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until (You'll hardly believe it) M'Clan, I declare, Elicited something resembling an air.

It was wild--it was fitful--as wild as the breeze-- It wandered about into several keys; It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware; But still it distinctly suggested an air.

W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_.

All men are brothers--Cains and Abels.

ANON.

The blameless king Rising again (to Lancelot's discontent, Who held all speeches a tremendous bore), Said, "If one duty to be done remains, And 'tis neglected, all the rest is nought But Dead Sea apples and the acts of Apes."

Smiled Guinevere, and begged him not to preach; She knew that duty, and it should be done; So what of pudding on that festal night Was not consumed by Arthur and his guests, The queen upon the following morning fried.

s.h.i.+RLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.

One way of getting an idea of our fellow-countrymen's miseries is to go and look at their pleasures.

GEORGE ELIOT, _Felix Holt_.

_TO A RICH LADY._

I will not ask if thou canst touch The tuneful ivory key,-- Those silent notes of thine are such As quite suffice for me.

I'll make no question if thy skill The pencil comprehends;-- Enough for me, love, if thou still Canst draw--thy dividends.

_Punch._

At the Duke of Wellington's funeral, the little child of a friend of mine was standing with her mother at Lord Ashburton's window to see the mournful pageant. During the pa.s.sage of the procession, she made no remark until the duke's horse was led by, its saddle empty, and his boots reversed in the stirrups, when she looked up in her mother's face and said, "Mamma, when we die, will there be nothing left of us but boots?"

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

Such power hath Beer. The heart which Grief hath canker'd Hath one unfailing remedy--the tankard.

C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_.

Dined with Mr. (Sydney) Smith. He told me of the motto he had proposed for Bishop Burgess's arms, in allusion to his brother, the well-known fish-sauce projector:

"_Gravi_ jamdudum _saucia_ cura."

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

One's self-satisfaction is an untaxed kind of property which it is very unpleasant to find depreciated.

GEORGE ELIOT, _Middlemarch_.

"My lord cannot stand Treeby more than two days, and Treeby cannot stand my lord for a longer period, and that is why they are such friends."

"A sound basis of agreement," said Lord Roehampton.

"I believe absence is a great element of charm."

LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Endymion_.

_SALAD._

O cool in the summer is salad, And warm in the winter is love; And a poet shall sing you a ballad Delicious thereon and thereof.

A singer I am, if no sinner, My muse has a marvellous wing, And I willingly wors.h.i.+p at dinner The Sirens of Spring.

Take Endive--like love it is bitter, Take beet--for like love it is red, Crisp leaf of the lettuce shall glitter, And cress from the rivulet's bed: Anchovies, foam-born, like the lady Whose beauty has maddened this bard; And olives, from groves that are shady; And eggs--boil 'em hard.

MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_.

Query, whether churches are not dormitories of the living as well as of the dead?

SWIFT, _Thoughts_.

The Mock Turtle said, "No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise."

"Wouldn't it, really?" said Alice, in a tone of great surprise.

"Of course not," said the Mock Turtle; "why, if a fish came to _me_, and told me he was going a journey, I should say, 'With what porpoise?'"

"Don't you mean 'purpose?'" said Alice.

"I mean what I say," the Mock Turtle replied, in an offended tone.

LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.