Quips and Quiddities Part 9

_Once a Week._

There was a Presbyterian minister who married a couple of his rustic paris.h.i.+oners, and had felt exceedingly disconcerted, on his asking the bridegroom if he were willing to take the woman for his wedded wife, by his scratching his head and saying, "Ay, I'm wullin'; but I'd rather hae her sister."

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

The prospect's always fine in the Prospectus!

J. R. PLANCHe, _Songs and Poems_.

Animals are such agreeable friends--they ask no questions, they pa.s.s no criticisms.

GEORGE ELIOT, _Mr. Gilfil's Love Story_.

There is a _tact_, Which keeps, when pushed by questions rather rough, A lady always distant from the fact: The charming creatures lie with such a grace, There's nothing so becoming to the face.

LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_.

Walked Corry over to Bowood. In looking at the cascade, he mentioned what Plunket said, when some one, praising his waterfall, exclaimed, "Why, it's quite a cataract." "Oh, that's all my eye," said Plunket.

THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_.

These panting damsels, dancing for their lives, Are only maidens waltzing into wives.

ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_.

Another friend a.s.sured me it was policy to "feed a cold and starve a fever." I had both.

So I thought it best to feed myself up for the cold, and then keep dark and let the fever starve awhile.

In a case of this kind, I seldom do things by halves.

I ate pretty heartily. I conferred my custom upon a stranger who had just opened his restaurant that morning.

He waited near me in respectful silence, until I had finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people about Virginia were much afflicted with colds? I told him I thought they were. He then went out and took in his sign.

MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_.

A fine lady is like a cat; when young, the most gamesome and lively of all creatures--when old, the most melancholy.

ALEXANDER POPE, in LOCKER's _Patchwork_.

'Tis the voice of the lobster; I heard him declare "You have baked me quite brown, I must sugar my hair."

As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose Trims his belt and his b.u.t.tons, and turns out his toes.

LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.

Poor relations are undeniably irritating--their existence is so entirely uncalled for on our part, and they are almost always very faulty people.

GEORGE ELIOT, _Mill on the Floss_.

There was an APE in the days that were earlier; Centuries pa.s.sed, and his hair became curlier: Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist-- Then he was MAN, and a Positivist.

MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_.

It was observed he never gave an opinion on any subject, and never told an anecdote. Indeed, he would sometimes remark, when a man fell into his anecdotage it was a sign for him to retire from the world.

LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_.

You cannot eat breakfast all day, Nor is it the act of a sinner, When breakfast is taken away, To turn your attention to dinner; And it's not in the range of belief, That you could hold him as a glutton, Who, when he is tired of beef, Determines to tackle the mutton.

_Defendant_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Trial by Jury_.

Had the Romans public dinners? Answer me that. Imagine a Roman--whose theory at least of a dinner was that it was a thing for enjoyment, whereas we often look on it as a continuation of the business of the day,--I say, imagine a Roman girding himself up, literally girding himself up, to make an after dinner speech.

_Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_.

Folks will teach you when at school-- "Never tell a lie!"

Nonsense: if you're not a fool You may always break the rule, But you must be sly; For they'll whip you, past a doubt, If they ever find you out.

Folks say, "Children should not let Angry pa.s.sions rise."

Humbug! When you're in a pet Why on earth should you regret Blacking some one's eyes?

Children's eyes are made, in fact, Just on purpose to be black'd.

H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of c.o.c.kayne_.

It is not now "We have seen his star in the East,"

but "We have seen the star on his breast, and are come to wors.h.i.+p him."

SHENSTONE, _Essays_.

_A FAITHFUL PAGE._

Nearly one hundred years ago, my grandfather, Captain William Locker, was at dinner, and a servant-boy, lately engaged, was handing him a tray of liqueurs, in different-sized gla.s.ses. Being in the middle of an anecdote to his neighbour, he mechanically held out his hand towards the tray, but, as people often do when they are thinking of something else, he did not take a gla.s.s. The boy thought he was hesitating which liqueur he would have, and, like a good fellow, wis.h.i.+ng to help his master, he pointed to one particular gla.s.s, and whispered, "That's the biggest, sir."