The Attache or Sam Slick in England Part 13

"Yes, on the whole, I rather like these plain, decent, onpretendin', country churches here, although t'other ones remind me of old times, when I was an ontamed one too. Yes, I like an English church; but as for Minister pretendin' for to come for to go for to preach agin that beautiful long-haired young rebel, Squire Absalom, for 'stealin' the hearts of the people,' why it's rather takin' the rag off the bush, ain't it?

"Tell you what, Squire; there ain't a man in their whole church here, from Lord Canter Berry that preaches afore the Queen, to Parson Homily that preached afore us, nor never was, nor never will be equal to Old Minister hisself for 'stealin' the hearts of the people.'"

CHAPTER XIII. NATUR'.

In the course of our journey, the conversation turned upon the several series of the "Clockmaker" I had published, and their relative merits.

Mr. Slick appeared to think they all owed their popularity mainly to the freshness and originality of character incidental to a new country.

"You are in the wrong pew here, Squire," said he; "you are, upon my soul. If you think to sketch the English in a way any one will stop to look at, you have missed a figur', that's all. You can't do it nohow; you can't fix it. There is no contrasts here, no variation of colours, no light and shade, no nothin'. What sort of a pictur' would straight lines of any thing make? Take a parcel of sodjers, officers and all, and stretch 'em out in a row, and paint 'em, and then engrave 'em, and put it into one of our annuals, and see how folks would larf, and ask, 'What boardin'-school gall did that? Who pulled her up out of standin' corn, and sot her up on eend for an artist? they'd say.

"There is nothin' here to take hold on. It's so plaguy smooth and high polished, the hands slip off; you can't get a grip of it. Now, take Lord First Chop, who is the most fas.h.i.+onable man in London, dress him in the last cut coat, best trowsers, French boots, Paris gloves, and grape-vine-root cane, don't forget his whiskers, or mous-stache, or breast-pins, or gold chains, or any thing; and what have you got?--a tailor's print-card, and nothin' else.

"Take a lady, and dress her in a'most a beautiful long habit, man's hat, stand-up collar and stock, clap a beautiful little cow-hide whip in her hand, and mount her on a'most a splendiferous white hoss, with long tail and flowin' mane, a rairin' and a cavortin' like mad, and a champin'

and a chawin' of its bit, and makin' the froth fly from its mouth, a spatterin' and white-spottin' of her beautiful trailin', skirt like any thing. And what have you got?--why a print like the posted hand-bills of a circus.

"Now spit on your fingers, and rub Lord First Chop out of the slate, and draw an Irish labourer, with his coat off, in his s.h.i.+rt-sleeves, with his breeches loose and ontied at the knees, his yarn stockings and thick shoes on; a little dudeen in his mouth, as black as ink and as short as nothin'; his hat with devilish little rim and no crown to it, and a hod on his shoulders, filled with bricks, and him lookin' as if he was a singin' away as merry as a cricket:

When I was young and unmarried, my shoes they were new.

But now I am old and am married, the water runs troo,'

Do that, and you have got sunthin' worth lookin' at, quite pictures-quee, as Sister Sall used to say. And because why? _You have got sunthin' nateral_.

"Well, take the angylyferous dear a horseback, and rub her out, well, I won't say that nother, for I'm fond of the little critturs, dressed or not dressed for company, or any way they like, yes, I like woman-natur', I tell _you_. But turn over the slate, and draw on t'other side on't an old woman, with a red cloak, and a striped petticoat, and a poor pinched-up, old, squashed-in bonnet on, bendin' forrard, with a staff in her hand, a leadin' of a donkey that has a pair of yaller willow saddle-bags on, with coloured vegetables and flowers, and red beet-tops, a goin' to market. And what have you got? Why a pictur' worth lookin'

at, too. Why?--_because it's natur'_.

"Now, look here, Squire; let Copley, if he was alive, but he ain't; and it's a pity too, for it would have kinder happified the old man, to see his son in the House of Lords, wouldn't it? Squire Copley, you know, was a Boston man; and a credit to our great nation too. P'raps Europe never has dittoed him since.

"Well, if he was above ground now, alive, and stirrin', why take him and fetch him to an upper crust London party; and sais you, 'Old Tenor,'

sais you, 'paint all them silver plates, and silver dishes, and silver coverlids, and what nots; and then paint them lords with their _stars_, and them ladies' (Lord if he would paint them with their garters, folks would buy the pictur, cause that's nateral) 'them ladies with their jewels, and their sarvants with their liveries, as large as life, and twice as nateral.'

"Well, he'd paint it, if you paid him for it, that's a fact; for there is no better bait to fish for us Yankees arter all, than a dollar. That old boy never turned up his nose at a dollar, except when he thought he ought to get two. And if he painted it, it wouldn't be bad, I tell _you_.

"'Now,' sais you, 'you have done high life, do low life for me, and I will pay you well. I'll come down hansum, and do the thing genteel, you may depend. Then,' sais you, 'put in for a back ground that n.o.ble, old Noah-like lookin' wood, that's as dark as comingo. Have you done?' sais you.

"'I guess so,' sais he.

"'Then put in a brook jist in front of it, runnin' over stones, and foamin' and a bubblin' up like any thing.'

"'It's in,' sais he.

"'Then jab two forked sticks in the ground ten feet apart, this side of the brook,' sais you, 'and clap a pole across atween the forks. Is that down?' sais you.

"'Yes,' sais he.

"'Then,' sais you, 'hang a pot on that horizontal pole, make a clear little wood fire onderneath; paint two covered carts near it. Let an old hoss drink at the stream, and two donkeys make a feed off a patch of thistles. Have-you stuck that in?'

"'Stop a bit,' says he, 'paintin' an't quite as fast done as writin'.

Have a little grain of patience, will you? It's tall paintin', makin'

the brush walk at that price. Now there you are,' sais he. 'What's next? But, mind I've most filled my canva.s.s; it will cost you a pretty considerable penny, if you want all them critters in, when I come to cypher all the pictur up, and sumtotalize the whole of it.'

"'Oh! cuss the cost!' sais you. 'Do you jist obey orders, and break owners, that's all you have to do, Old Loyalist.'

"'Very well,' sais he, 'here goes.'

"'Well, then,' sais you, 'paint a party of gipsies there; mind their different coloured clothes, and different att.i.tudes, and different occupations. Here a man mendin' a harness, there a woman pickin' a stolen fowl, there a man skinnin' a rabbit, there a woman with her petticoat up, a puttin' of a patch in it. Here two boys a fis.h.i.+n', and there a little gall a playin' with a dog, that's a racin' and a yelpin', and a barkin' like mad.'

"'Well, when he's done,' sais you, 'which pictur do you reckon is the best now, Squire Copely? speak candid for I want to know, and I ask you now as a countryman.'

"'Well' he'll jist up and tell you, 'Mr. Poker,' sais he, 'your fas.h.i.+onable party is the devil, that's a fact. Man made the town, but G.o.d made the country. Your company is as formal, and as stiff, and as oninterestin' as a row of poplars; but your gipsy scene is beautiful, because it's nateral. It was me painted old Chatham's death in the House of Lords; folks praised it a good deal; but it was no great shakes, _there was no natur' in it_. The scene was real, the likenesses was good, and there was spirit in it, but their d.a.m.ned uniform toggery, spiled the whole thing--it was artificial, and wanted life and natur.

Now, suppose, such a thing in Congress, or suppose some feller skiverd the speaker with a bowie knife as happened to Arkansaw, if I was to paint it, it would be beautiful. Our free and enlightened people is so different, so characteristic and peculiar, it would give a great field to a painter. To sketch the different style of man of each state, so that any citizen would sing right out; Heavens and airth if that don't beat all! Why, as I am a livin' sinner that's the Hoosier of Indiana, or the Sucker of Illinois, or the Puke of Missouri, or the Bucky of Ohio, or the Red Horse of Kentucky, or the Mudhead of Tennesee, or the Wolverine of Michigan or the Eel of New England, or the Corn Cracker of Virginia! That's the thing that gives inspiration. That's the gla.s.s of talabogus that raises your spirits. There is much of elegance, and more of comfort in England. It is a great and a good country, Mr. Poker, but there is no natur in it.'

"It is as true as gospel," said Mr. Slick, "I'm tellin' you no lie. It's a fact. If you expect to paint them English, as you have the Blue-Noses and us, you'll pull your line up without a fish, oftener than you are a-thinkin' on; that's the reason all our folks have failed. 'Rush's book is jist mola.s.ses and water, not quite so sweet as 'la.s.ses, and not quite so good as water; but a spilin' of both. And why? His pictur was of polished life, where there is no natur. Was.h.i.+ngton Irving's book is like a Dutch paintin', it is good, because it is faithful; the mop has the right number of yarns, and each yarn has the right number of twists, (altho' he mistook the mop of the grandfather, for the mop of the man of the present day) and the pewter plates are on the kitchen dresser, and the other little notions are all there. He has done the most that could be done for them, but the painter desarves more praise than the subject.

"Why is it every man's sketches of America takes? Do you suppose it is the sketches? No. Do you reckon it is the interest we create? No. Is it our grand experiments? No. They don't care a bra.s.s b.u.t.ton for us, or our country, or experiments nother. What is it then? It is because they are sketches of natur. Natur in every grade and every variety of form; from the silver plate, and silver fork, to the finger and huntin' knife. Our artificials Britishers laugh at; they are bad copies, that's a fact; I give them up. Let them laugh, and be darned; but I stick to my natur, and I stump them to produce the like.

"Oh, Squire, if you ever sketch me, for goodness gracious sake, don't sketch me as an Attache to our emba.s.sy, with the Legation b.u.t.ton, on the coat, and black Jube j.a.pan in livery. Don't do that; but paint me in my old waggon to Nova Scotier, with old Clay before me, you by my side, a segar in my mouth, and natur all round me. And if that is too artificial; oh, paint me in the back woods, with my huntin' coat on, my leggins, my cap, my belt, and my powder-horn. Paint me with my talkin'

iron in my hand, wipin' her, chargin' her, selectin' the bullet, placin'

it in the greased wad, and rammin' it down. Then draw a splendid oak openin' so as to give a good view, paint a squirrel on the tip top of the highest branch, of the loftiest tree, place me off at a hundred yards, drawin' a bead on him fine, then show the smoke, and young squire squirrel comin' tumblin' down head over heels lumpus', to see whether the ground was as hard as dead squirrels said it was. Paint me nateral, I besech you; for I tell you now, as I told you before, and ever shall say, there is nothin' worth havin' or knowin', or hearin', or readin', or seein', or tastin', or smellin', or feelin' and above all and more than all, nothin' worth affectionin' but _Natur_.

CHAPTER XIV. THE SOCDOLAGER.

As soon as I found my friend Mr. Hopewell comfortably settled in his lodgings, I went to the office of the Belgian Consul and other persons to obtain the necessary pa.s.sports for visiting Germany, where I had a son at school. Mr. Slick proceeded at the same time to the residence of his Excellency Abednego Layman, who had been sent to this country by the United States on a special mission, relative to the Tariff.

On my return from the city in the afternoon, he told me he had presented his credentials to "the Socdolager," and was most graciously and cordially received; but still, I could not fail to observe that there was an evident air of disappointment about him.

"Pray, what is the meaning of the Socdolager?" I asked. "I never heard of the term before."

"Possible!" said he, "never heerd tell of 'the Socdolager,' why you don't say so! The Socdolager is the President of the lakes--he is the whale of the intarnal seas--the Indgians wors.h.i.+pped him once on a time, as the king of fishes. He lives in great state in the deep waters, does the old boy, and he don't often shew himself. I never see'd him myself, nor any one that ever had sot eyes on him; but the old Indgians have see'd him and know him well. He won't take no bait, will the Socdolager; he can't be caught, no how you can fix, he is so 'tarnal knowin', and he can't be speared nother, for the moment he sees aim taken, he ryles the water and is out of sight in no tune. _He_ can take in whole shoals of others hisself, tho' at a mouthful. He's a whapper, that's a fact. I call our Minister here 'the Socdolager,' for our _di_plomaters were never known to be hooked once yet, and actilly beat all natur' for knowin' the soundin's, smellin' the bait, givin' the dodge, or rylin'

the water; so no soul can see thro' it but themselves. Yes, he is 'a Socdolager,' or a whale among _di_plomaters.

"Well, I rigs up this morning, full fig, calls a cab, and proceeds in state to our emba.s.sy, gives what Cooper calls a lord's beat of six thund'rin' raps of the knocker, presents the legation ticket, and was admitted to where amba.s.sador was. He is a very pretty man all up his s.h.i.+rt, and he talks pretty, and smiles pretty, and bows pretty, and he has got the whitest hand you ever see, it looks as white, as a new bread and milk poultice. It does indeed.

"'Sam Slick,' sais he, 'as I'm alive. Well, how do you do, Mr. Slick? I am 'nation glad to see you, I affection you as a member of our legation.

I feel kinder proud to have the first literary man of our great nation as my Attache.'

"'Your knowledge of human natur, (added to your'n of soft sawder,' sais I,) 'will raise our great nation, I guess, in the scale o' European estimation.'

"He is as sensitive as a skinned eel, is Layman, and he winced at that poke at his soft sawder like any thing, and puckered a little about the mouth, but he didn't say nothin', he only bowed. He was a Unitarian preacher once, was Abednego, but he swapt preachin' for politics, and a good trade he made of it too; that's a fact.

"'A great change,' sais I, 'Abednego, since you was a preachin' to Connecticut and I was a vendin' of clocks to Nova Scotia, ain't it?

Who'd a thought then, you'd a been "a Socdolager," and me your "pilot fish," eh!'

"It was a raw spot, that, and I always touched him on it for fun.