The Attache or Sam Slick in England Part 14

"'Sam,' said he, and his face fell like an empty puss, when it gets a few cents put into each eend on it, the weight makes it grow twice as long in a minute. 'Sam,' said he, 'don't call me that are, except when we are alone here, that's a good soul; not that I am proud, for I am a true Republican;' and he put his hand on his heart, bowed and smiled hansum, 'but these people will make a nickname of it, and we shall never hear the last of it; that's a fact. We must respect ourselves, afore others will respect us. You onderstand, don't you?'

"'Oh, don't I,' sais I, 'that's all? It's only here I talks this way, because we are at home now; but I can't help a thinkin' how strange things do turn up sometimes. Do you recollect, when I heard you a-preachin' about Hope a-pitchin' of her tent on a hill? By gosh, it struck me then, you'd pitch, your tent high some day; you did it beautiful.'

"He know'd I didn't like this change, that Mr. Hopewell had kinder inoculated me with other guess views on these matters, so he began to throw up bankments and to picket in the ground, all round for defence like.

"'Hope,' sais he, 'is the attribute of a Christian, Slick, for he hopes beyond this world; but I changed on principle.'

"'Well,' sais I, 'I changed on interest; now if our great nation is backed by princ.i.p.al and interest here, I guess its credit is kinder well built. And atween you and me, Abednego, that's more than the soft-horned British will ever see from all our States. Some on 'em are intarmined to pay neither debt nor interest, and give nothin' but lip in retarn.'

"'Now,' sais he, a pretendin' to take no notice of this,' you know we have the Voluntary with us, Mr. Slick.' He said "_Mister_" that time, for he began to get formal on puppus to stop jokes; but, dear me, where all men are equal what's the use of one man tryin' to look big? He must take to growin' agin I guess to do that. 'You know we have the Voluntary with us, Mr. Slick,' sais he.

"'Jist so,' sais I.

"'Well, what's the meanin' of that?'

"'Why,' sais I, 'that you support religion or let it alone, as you like; that you can take it up as a pedlar does his pack, carry it till you are tired, then lay it down, set on it, and let it support you."

"'Exactly,' sais he; 'it is voluntary on the hearer, and it's jist so with the minister, too; for his preachin' is voluntary also. He can preach or lot it alone, as he likes. It's voluntary all through. It's a bad rule that won't work both ways.'

"'Well,' says I, 'there is a good deal in that, too.' I said that just to lead him on.

"'A good deal!' sais he, 'why it's every thing. But I didn't rest on that alone; I propounded this maxim to myself. Every man, sais I, is bound to sarve his fellow citizens to his utmost. That's true; ain't it, Mr. Slick?'

"'Guess so,' sais I.

"'Well then, I asked myself this here question: Can I sarve my fellow citizens best by bein' minister to Peach settlement, 'tendin' on a little village of two thousand souls, and preachin' my throat sore, or bein' special minister to Saint Jimses, and sarvin' our great Republic and its thirteen millions? Why, no reasonable man can doubt; so I give up preachin'.'

"'Well,' sais I, 'Abednego, you are a Socdolager, that's a fact; you are a great man, and a great scholard. Now a great scholard, when he can't do a sum the way it's stated, jist states it so--he _can_ do it. Now the right way to state that sum is arter this fas.h.i.+on: "Which is best, to endeavour to save the souls of two thousand people under my spiritual charge, or let them go to Old Nick and save a piece of wild land in Maine, get pay for an old steamer burnt to Canada, and uphold the slave trade for the interest of the States.'

"'That's specious, but not true,' said he; 'but it's a matter rather for my consideration than your'n,' and he looked as a feller does when he b.u.t.tons his trowsers' pocket, as much as to say, you have no right to be a puttin' of your pickers and stealers in there, that's mine. 'We will do better to be less selfish,' said he, 'and talk of our great nation.'

"'Well,' says I, 'how do we stand here in Europe? Do we maintain the high pitch we had, or do we sing a note lower than we did?'

"Well, he walked up and down the room, with his hands onder his coat-tails, for ever so long, without a sayin' of a word. At last, sais he, with a beautiful smile that was jist skin deep, for it played on his face as a cat's-paw does on the calm waters, 'What was you a sayin.' of, Mr. Slick?' saw he.

"'What's our position to Europe?' sais I, 'jist now; is it letter A, No. 1?'

"'Oh!' sais he, and he walked up and down agin, cypherin' like to himself; and then says he, 'I'll tell you; that word Socdolager, and the trade of preachin', and clockmakin', it would be as well to sink here; neither on 'em convene with dignity. Don't you think so?'

"'Sartainly,' sais I; 'it's only fit for talk over a cigar, alone. It don't always answer a good, purpose to blart every thing out. But our _po_sition,' says I, among the nations of the airth, is it what our everlastin' Union is ent.i.tled to?'

"'Because,' sais he, 'some day when I am asked out to dinner, some wag or another of a lord will call me parson, and ask me to crave a blessin', jist to raise the larf agin me for havin' been a preacher.'

"'If he does,' sais I,' jist say, my Attache does that, and I'll jist up first and give it to him atween the two eyes; and when that's done, sais you, my Lord, that's _your grace_ afore meat; pr'aps your lords.h.i.+p will _return thanks_ arter dinner. Let him try it, that's all. But our great nation,' sais I, 'tell me, hante that n.o.ble stand we made on the right of sarch, raised us about the toploftiest?'

"'Oh,' says he 'right of sarch! right of sarch! I've been tryin' to sarch my memory, but can't find it. I don't recollect that sarmont about Hope pitchin' her tent on the hill. When was it?'

"'It was afore the juvenile-united-democratic-republican a.s.sociation to Funnel Hall,' sais I.

"'Oh,' says he, 'that was an oration--it was an oration that.'

"Oh!" sais I, "we won't say no more about that; I only meant it as a joke, and nothin' more. But railly now, Abednego, what is the state of our legation?"

"'I don't see nothin' ridikilous,' sais he, 'in that are expression, of Hope pitchin' her tent on a hill. It's figurativ' and poetic, but it's within the line that divides taste from bombast. Hope pitchin' her tent on a hill! What is there to reprehend in that?'

"Good airth and seas,' sais I, 'let's pitch Hope, and her tent, and the hill, all to Old Nick in a heap together, and talk of somethin' else.

You needn't be so perkily ashamed of havin' preached, man. Cromwell was a great preacher all his life, but it didn't spile him as a Socdolager one bit, but rather helped him, that's a fact. How 'av we held our footin' here?'

"'Not well, I am grieved to say,' sais he; 'not well. The failure of the United States' Bank, the repudiation of debts by several of our States, the foolish opposition we made to the suppression of the slave-trade, and above all, the bad faith in the business of the boundary question has lowered us down, down, e'en a'most to the bottom of the shaft.'

"'Abednego,' sais I, 'we want somethin' besides boastin' and talkin'

big; we want a dash--a great stroke of policy. Was.h.i.+ngton hanging Andre that time, gained more than a battle. Jackson by hanging Arbuthnot and Anbristher, gained his election. M'Kennie for havin' hanged them three citizens will be made an admiral of yet, see if he don't. Now if Captain Tyler had said, in his message to Congress, 'Any State that repudiates its foreign debts, we will first fine it in the whole amount, and then cut it off from our great, free, enlightened, moral and intellectual republic, he would have gained by the dash his next election, and run up our flag to the mast-head in Europe. He would have been popular to home, and respected abroad, that's as clear as mud,'

"'He would have done right, Sir, if he had done that,' said Abednego, 'and the right thing is always approved of in the eend, and always esteemed all through the piece. A dash, as a stroke of policy,' said he, 'has sometimes a good effect. General Jackson threatening France with a war, if they didn't pay the indemnity, when he knew the King would make 'em pay it whether or no, was a masterpiece; and General Ca.s.s tellin'

France if she signed the right of sarch treaty, we would fight both her and England together single-handed, was the best move on the political chess-board, this century. All these, Sir, are very well in their way, to produce an effect; but there's a better policy nor all that, a far better policy, and one, too, that some of our States and legislators, and presidents, and Socdolagers, as you call 'em, in my mind have got to larn yet, Sam.'

"'What's that?' sais I. "For I don't believe in my soul there is nothin'

a'most our diplomaters don't know. They are a body o' men that does honour to our great nation. What policy are you a indicatin' of?'

"'Why,' sais he, '_that honesty is the best policy_.'

"When I heerd him say that, I springs right up on eend, like a rope dancer. 'Give me your hand, Abednego,' sais I; 'you are a man, every inch of you,' and I squeezed it so hard, it made his eyes water. 'I always knowed you had an excellent head-piece,' sais I, 'and now I see the heart is in the right place too. If you have thrown preachin'

overboard, you have kept your morals for ballast, any how. I feel kinder proud of you; you are jist a fit representat_ive_ for our great nation.

You are a Socdolager, that's a fact. I approbate your notion; it's as correct as a bootjack. For nations or individuals, it's all the same, honesty _is_ the best policy, and no mistake. That,' sais I, 'is the hill, Abednego, for Hope to pitch her tent on, and no mistake,' and I put my finger to my nose, and winked.

"'Well,' sais he, 'it is; but you are a droll feller, Slick, there is no standin' your jokes. I'll give you leave to larf if you like, but you must give me leave to win if I can. Good bye. But mind, Sam, our dignity is at stake. Let's have no more of Socdolagers, or Preachin', or Clockmakin', or Hope pitchin' her tent. A word to the wise. Good bye.'

"Yes," said Mr. Slick, "I rather like Abednego's talk myself. I kinder think that it will be respectable to be Attache to such a man as that.

But he is goin' out of town for some time, is the Socdolager. There is an agricultural dinner, where he has to make a conciliation speech; and a scientific a.s.sociation, where there is a piece of delicate brag and a bit of soft sawder to do, and then there are visits to the n.o.bility, peep at manufactures, and all that sort of work, so he won't be in town for a good spell, and until then, I can't go to Court, for he is to introduce me himself. Pity that, but then it'll give me lots o' time to study human natur, that is, if there is any of it left here, for I have some doubts about that. Yes, he is an able lead horse, is Abednego; he is a'most a grand preacher, a good poet, a first chop orator, a great diplomater, and a top sawyer of a man, in short--he _is_ a _Socdolager_."

CHAPTER XV. DINING OUT.

My visit to Germany was protracted beyond the period I had originally designed; and, during my absence, Mr. Slick had been constantly in company, either "dining out" daily, when in town, or visiting from one house to another in the country.

I found him in great spirits. He a.s.sured me he had many capital stories to tell me, and that he rather guessed he knew as much of the English, and a leetle, jist a leetle, grain more, p'raps, than they knew of the Yankees.

"They are considerable large print are the Bull family," said he; "you can read them by moonlight. Indeed, their faces ain't onlike the moon in a gineral way; only one has got a man in it, and the other hain't always. It tante a bright face; you can look into it without winkin'.

It's a cloudy one here too, especially in November; and most all the time makes you rather sad and solemncoly. Yes, John is a moony man, that's a fact, and at the full a little queer sometimes.

"England is a stupid country compared to our'n. _There it no variety where there it no natur_. You have cla.s.s variety here, but no individiality. They are insipid, and call it perlite. The men dress alike, talk alike, and look as much alike as Providence will let 'em.

The club-houses and the tailors have done a good deal towards this, and so has whiggism and dissent; for they have destroyed distinctions.

"But this is too deep for me. Ask Minister, he will tell you the cause; I only tell you the fact.

"Dinin' out here, is both heavy work, and light feedin'. It's monstrous stupid. One dinner like one rainy day (it's rained ever since I been here a'most), is like another; one drawin'-room like another drawin'-room; one peer's entertainment, in a general way, is like another peer's. The same powdered, liveried, lazy, idle, good-for-nothin', do-little, stand-in-the-way-of-each-other, useless sarvants. Same picturs, same plate, same fixin's, same don't-know-what-to-do-with-your-self-kinder-o'-lookin'-master. Great folks are like great folks, marchants like marchants, and so on. It's a pictur, it looks like life, but' it tante. The animal is tamed here; he is fatter than the wild one, but he hante the spirit.