The Attache or Sam Slick in England Part 17

"Off I sot, hot foot, into the bushes, arter the cows, and as always eventuates when you are in a hurry, they was further back than common that time, away ever so fur back to a brook, clean off to the rear of the farm, so that day was gone afore I got out of the woods, and I got proper frightened. Every noise I heerd I thought it was a bear, and when I looked round a one side, I guessed I heerd one on the other, and I hardly turned to look there before, I reckoned it was behind me, I was e'en a'most skeered to death.

"Thinks I, 'I shall never be able to keep up to the cows if a bear comes arter 'em and chases 'em, and if I fall astarn, he'll just snap up a plump little corn fed feller like me in less than half no time. Cryin','

says I, 'though, will do no good. You must be up and doin', Sam, or it's gone goose with you.'

"So a thought struck me. Father had always been a-talkin' to me about the leadin' men, and makin' acquaintance with the political big bugs when I growed up and havin' a patron, and so on. Thinks I, I'll take the leadin' cow for my patron. So I jist goes and cuts a long tough ash saplin, and takes the little limbs off of it, and then walks along side of Mooley, as meachin' as you please, so she mightn't suspect nothin', and then grabs right hold of her tail, and yelled and screamed like mad, and wallopped away at her like any thing.

"Well, the way she cut dirt was cautionary; she cleared stumps, ditches, windfalls and every thing, and made a straight track of it for home as the crow flies. Oh, she was a dipper: she fairly flow again, and if ever she flagged, I laid it into her with the ash saplin, and away we started agin, as if Old Nick himself was arter us.

"But afore I reached home, the rest of the cows came a bellowin', and a roarin' and a-racin' like mad arter us, and gained on us too, so as most to overtake us, jist as I come to the bars of the cow yard, over went Mooler, like a fox, brought me whap up agin 'em, which knocked all the wind out of my lungs and the fire out of my eyes, and laid me sprawlin on the ground, and every one of the flock went right slap over me, all but one--poor Brindle. She never came home agin. Bear nabbed her, and tore her most ridiculous. He eat what he wanted, which was no trifle, I can tell you, and left the rest till next time.

"Don't talk to me, Squire, about merits. We all want a lift in this world; sunthin' or another to lay hold on, to help us along--_we want the cow's tail_.

"Tell your friend, the female widder, she has got hold of the wrong cow by the tail in gettin' hold of you, for you are nothin' but a despisable colonist; but to look out for some patron here, some leadin' man, or great lord, to clinch fast hold of him, and stick to him like a leach, and if he flags, (for patrons, like old Mooley, get tired sometimes), to recollect the ash saplin, to lay into him well, and keep him at it, and no fear but he'll carry her through. He'll fetch her home safe at last, and no mistake, depend on it, Squire. The best lesson that little boy could be taught, is, that of _the Patron, or the Cows Tail_."

CHAPTER III. ASCOT RACES.

To-day I visited Ascot. Race-courses are similar every where, and present the same objects; good horses, cruel riders, knowing men, dupes, jockeys, gamblers, and a large a.s.semblage of mixed company. But this is a gayer scene than most others; and every epithet, appropriate to a course, diminutive or otherwise, must be in the superlative degree when applied to Ascot. This is the general, and often the only impression that most men carry away with them.

Mr. Slick, who regards these things practically, called my attention to another view of it.

"Squire," said he, "I'd a plaguy sight sooner see Ascot than any thing else to England. There ain't nothin' like it. I don't mean the racin', because they can't go ahead like us, if they was to die for it. We have colts that can whip chain lightnin', on a pinch. Old Clay trotted with it once all round an orchard, and beat it his whole length, but it singed his tail properly as he pa.s.sed it, you may depend. It ain't its runnin' I speak of, therefore, though that ain't mean nother; but it's got another featur', that you'll know it by from all others. Oh it's an everlastin' pity you warn't here, when I was to England last time. Queen was there then; and where she is, of coa.r.s.e all the world and its wife is too. She warn't there this year, and it sarves folks right. If I was an angelyferous queen, like her, I wouldn't go nowhere till I had a tory minister, and then a feller that had a "trigger-eye" would stand a chance to get a white hemp-neckcloth. I don't wonder Hume don't like young England; for when that boy grows up, he'll teach some folks that they had better let some folks alone, or some folks had better take care of some folks' ampersands that's all.

"The time I speak of, people went in their carriages, and not by railroad. Now, pr'aps you don't know, in fact you can't know, for you can't cypher, colonists ain't no good at figurs, but if you did know, the way to judge of a nation is by its private carriages. From Hyde Park corner to Ascot Heath, is twenty odd miles. Well, there was one whole endurin' stream of carriages all the way, sometimes havin' one or two eddies, and where the toll-gates stood, havin' still water for ever so far. Well, it flowed and flowed on for hours and hours without stoppin', like a river; and when you got up to the race-ground, there was the matter of two or three tiers of carriages, with the hosses off, packed as close as pins in a paper.

"It costs near hand to twelve hundred dollars a-year to keep up a carriage here. Now for goodness' sake jist multiply that everlastin'

string of carriages by three hundred pounds each, and see what's spent in that way every year, and then multiply that by ten hundred thousand more that's in other places to England you don't see, and then tell me if rich people here ain't as thick as huckleberries."

"Well, when you've done, go to France, to Belgium, and to Prussia, three sizeable places for Europe, and rake and sc.r.a.pe every private carriage they've got, and they ain't no touch to what Ascot can show. Well, when you've done your cypherin', come right back to London, as hard as you can clip from the race-course, and you won't miss any of 'em; the town is as full as ever, to your eyes. A knowin' old c.o.o.n, bred and born to London, might, but you couldn't.

"Arter that's over, go and pitch the whole bilin' of 'em into the Thames, hosses, carriages, people, and all; and next day, if it warn't for the black weepers and long faces of them that's lost money by it, and the black c.r.a.pe and happy faces of them that's got money, or t.i.tles, or what not by it, you wouldn't know nothin' about it. Carriages wouldn't rise ten cents in the pound in the market. A stranger, like you, if you warn't told, wouldn't know nothin' was the matter above common. There ain't nothin' to England shows its wealth like this.

"Says father to me when I came back, 'Sam,' sais he, 'what struck you most?'

"'Ascot Races,' sais I.

"'Jist like you,' sais he. 'Hosses and galls is all you think of.

Wherever they be, there you are, that's a fact. You're a chip of the old block, my boy. There ain't nothin' lake 'em; is there?'

"Well, he was half right, was father. It's worth seein' for hosses and galls too; but it's worth seein' for its carriage wealth alone. Heavens and airth, what a rich country it must be that has such a show in that line as England. Don't talk of stock, for it may fail; or silver-smiths'

shops, for you can't tell what's plated; or jewels, for they may be paste; or goods, for they may be worth only half nothin'; but talk of the carriages, them's the witnesses that don't lie.

"And what do they say? 'Calcutta keeps me, and China keeps me, and Bot'ney Bay keeps me, and Canada keeps me, and Nova Scotia keeps me, and the whales keep me, and the white bears keep me, and every thing on the airth keeps me, every thing under the airth keeps me. In short, all the world keeps me.'"

"No, not all the world, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell; "there are some repudiative States that _don't keep me_; and if you go to the auction rooms, you'll see some beautiful carriages for sale, that say, 'the United States' Bank used to keep me,' and some more that say, 'Nick Biddle put me down.'"

"Minister, I won't stand that," said Mr. Slick. "I won't stay here and hear you belittle Uncle Sam that way for nothin'. He ain't wuss than John Bull, arter all. Ain't there no swindle-banks here? Jist tell me that. Don't our liners fetch over, every trip, fellers that cut and run from England, with their fobs filled with other men's money? Ain't there lords in this country that know how to "repudiate" as well as ring-tail-roarers in ourn. So come now, don't throw stones till you put your window-shutters to, or you may stand a smart chance of gettin' your own gla.s.s broke, that's a fact.'

"And then, Squire, jist look at the carriages. I'll bet you a goose and trimmin's you can't find their ditto nowhere. They _are_ carriages, and no mistake, that's a fact. Look at the hosses, the harness, the paint, the linin's, the well-dressed, lazy, idle, infarnal hansum servants, (these rascals, I suspicion, are picked out for their looks), look at the whole thing all through the piece, take it, by and large, stock, lock, and barrel, and it's the dandy, that's a fact. Don't it cost money, that's all? Sumtotalize it then, and see what it all comes to.

It would make your hair stand on eend, I know. If it was all put into figure, it would reach clean across the river; and if it was all put into dollars, it would make a solid tire of silver, and hoop the world round and round, like a wheel.

"If you want to give a man an idea of England, Squire, tell him of Ascot; and if you want to cram him, get old Multiplication-table Joe H-- to cast it up; for he'll make it come to twice as much as it railly is, and that will choke him. Yes, Squire, _stick to Ascot_."

CHAPTER IV. THE GANDER PULLING.

A cunning man is generally a suspicious one, and is as often led into error himself by his own misconceptions, as protected from imposition by his habitual caution.

Mr. Slick, who always acted on a motive, and never on an impulse, and who concealed his real objects behind ostensible ones, imagined that everybody else was governed by the same principle of action; and, therefore, frequently deceived himself by attributing designs to others that never existed but in his own imagination.

Whether the following story of the gander pulling was a fancy sketch of the Attache, or a narrative of facts, _I_ had no means of ascertaining.

Strange interviews and queer conversations he constantly had with official as well as private individuals, but as he often gave his opinions the form of an anecdote, for the purpose of interesting his hearers, it was not always easy to decide whether his stories were facts or fictions.

If, on the present occasion, it was of the latter description, it is manifest that he entertained no very high opinion of the const.i.tutional changes effected in the government of the colonies by the Whigs, during their long and perilous rule. If of the former kind, it is to be lamented that he concealed his deliberate convictions under an allegorical piece of humour. His disposition to "humbug" was so great, it was difficult to obtain a plain straightforward reply from him; but had the Secretary of State put the question to him in direct terms, what he thought of Lord Durham's "Responsible government," and the practical working of it under Lord Sydenham's and Sir Charles Bagot's administration, he would have obtained a plain and intelligible answer.

If the interview to which he alludes ever did take place, (which I am bound to add, is very doubtful, notwithstanding the minuteness with which it is detailed), it is deeply to be regretted that he was not addressed in that frank manner which could alone elicit his real sentiments; for I know of no man so competent to offer an opinion on these subjects as himself.

To govern England successfully, it is necessary to know the temper of Englishmen. Obvious as this appears to be, the frequent relinquishment of government measures, by the dominant party, shows that their own statesmen are sometimes deficient in this knowledge.

Mr. Slick says, that if Sir James Graham had consulted him, _he_ could have shown him how to carry the educational clauses of his favourite bill This, perhaps, is rather an instance of Mr. Slick's vanity, than a proof of his sagacity. But if this species of information is not easy of attainment here, even by natives, how difficult must it be to govern a people three thousand miles off, who differ most materially in thought, word, and deed, from their official rulers.

Mr. Slick, when we had not met during the day, generally visited me at night, about the time I usually returned from a dinner-party, and amused me by a recital of his adventures.

"Squire," said he, "I have had a most curious capur to-day, and one that will interest you, I guess. Jist as I was a settin' down to breakfast this mornin', and was a turnin' of an egg inside out into a wine-gla.s.s, to salt, pepper and batter it for Red-lane Alley, I received a note from a Mister Pen, saying the Right Honourable Mr. Tact would be glad, if it was convenient, if I would call down to his office, to Downin' Street, to-day, at four o'clock. Thinks says I to myself, 'What's to pay now? Is it the Boundary Line, or Creole Case, or Colonial Trade, or the Burnin'

of the Caroline, or Right o' Sarch? or what national subject is on the carpet to-day? Howsundever,' sais I, 'let the charge be what it will, slugs, rifle-bullets, or powder, go I must, that's a fact.' So I tips him a shot right off; here's the draft, Sir; it's in reg'lar state lingo.

"Sir,

"I have the high honour to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of this present first of June instant and note its contents. The conference (subject unknown), proffered by the Right Honourable Mr. Tact, I accede to hereby protesting and resarving all rights of conformation and reniggin' of our Extraordinary Emba.s.sador, now absent from London, at the great agricultural meetin'. I would suggest, next time, it would better convene to business, to insart subject of discussion, to prevent being taken at a short.

"I have to a.s.sure you of the high consideration of your most obedient servant to command.

"THE HON. SAM SLICK,

"Attache".

"Well, when the time comes, I rigs up, puts on the legation coat, calls a cab, and downs to Downing Street, and looks as dignified as I cleverly knew how.

"When I enters the outer door, I sees a man in an arm-chair in the entry, and he looked like a buster, I tell you, jist ready to blow up with the steam of all the secrets he had in his byler.

"'Can I see Mr. Tact?' sais I.

"'Tell you directly,' sais he, jist short like; for Englishmen are kinder costive of words; they don't use more nor will do, at no time; and he rings a bell. This brings in his second in command; and sais he, 'Pray walk in here, if you please, Sir,' and he led me into a little plain, stage-coach-house lookin' room, with nothin' but a table and two or three chairs in it; and says he, 'Who shall I say, Sir?'

"'The Honourable Mr. Slick,' sais I, 'Attache of the American Legation to the court of Saint Jimses' Victoria.'