The Attache or Sam Slick in England Part 18

"Off he sot; and there I waited and waited for ever so long, but he didn't come back. Well, I walked to the winder and looked out, but there was nothin' to see there; and then I turned and looked at a great big map on the wall, and there was nothin' I didn't know there; and then I took out my pen-knife to whittle, but my nails was all whittled off already, except one, and that was made into a pen, and I didn't like to spile that; and as there wasn't any thing I could get hold of, I jist slivered a great big bit off the leg of the chair, and began to make a toothpick of it. And when I had got that finished, I begins to get tired; for nothin' makes me so peskilly oneasy as to be kept waitin'; for if a Clockmaker don't know the valy of time, who the plague does?

"So jist to pa.s.s it away, I began to hum 'Jim Brown.' Did you ever hear it, Squire? it's a'most a beautiful air, as most all them n.i.g.g.e.r songs are. I'll make you a va.r.s.e, that will suit a despisable colonist exactly.

"I went up to London, the capital of the nation, To see Lord Stanley, and get a sitivation.

Says he to me, 'Sam Slick, what can you do?'

Says I, 'Lord Stanley, jist as much as you.

Liberate the rebels, and 'manc.i.p.ate the n.i.g.g.e.rs.

Hurror for our side, and d.a.m.n thimble-riggers.

"Airth and seas! If you was to sing that 'ere song there, how it would make 'em stare; wouldn't it? Such words as them was never heerd in that patronage office, I guess; and yet folks must have often thort it too; that's a fact.

"I was a hummin' the rael 'Jim Brown,' and got as far as:

Play upon the banjo, play upon the fiddle, Walk about the town, and abuse old Biddle,

when I stopped right in the middle of it, for it kinder sorter struck it me warn't dignified to be a singin' of n.i.g.g.e.r-catches that way. So says I to myself, 'This ain't respectful to our great nation to keep a high functionary a waitin' arter this fas.h.i.+on, is it? Guess I'd better a.s.sart the honour of our republic by goin' away; and let him see that it warn't me that was his lackey last year.'

"Well, jist as I had taken the sleeve of my coat and given my hat a rub over with it, (a good hat will carry off an old suit of clothes any time, but a new suit of clothes will never carry off an old hat, so I likes to keep my hat in good order in a general way). Well, jist as I had done, in walks the porter's first leftenant; and sais he, 'Mr. Tact will see you, Sir.'

"'He come plaguy near not seein' of me, then,' sais I; 'for I had jist commenced makin' tracks as you come in. The next time he sends for me, tell him not to send till he is ready, will you? For it's a rule o' mine to tag arter no man.'

"The critter jist stopped short, and began to see whether that spelt treason or no. He never heerd freedom o' speech afore, that feller, I guess, unless it was somebody a jawin' of him, up hill and down dale; so sais I, 'Lead off, my old 'c.o.o.n, and I will foller you, and no mistake, if you blaze the line well.'

"So he led me up stairs, opened a door, and 'nounced me; and there was Mr. Tact, sittin' at a large table, all alone.

"'How do you do, Mr. Slick,' says he. 'I am very glad to see you. Pray be seated.' He really was a very gentlemanlike man, was Squire Tact, that's a fact. Sorry I kept you waitin' so long,' sais he, 'but the Turkish Amba.s.sador was here at the time, and I was compelled to wait until he went. I sent for you, Sir, a-hem!' and he rubbed his hand acrost his mouth, and looked' up at the cornish, and said, 'I sent for you, Sir, ahem!'--(thinks I, I see now. All you will say for half an hour is only throw'd up for a brush fence, to lay down behind to take aim through; and arter that, the first shot is the one that's aimed at the bird), 'to explain to you about this African Slave Treaty,' said he.

'Your government don't seem to comprehend me in reference to this Right of Sarch. Lookin' a man in the face, to see he is the right man, and sarchin' his pockets, are two very different things. You take, don't you?'

"'I'm up to snuff, Sir,' sais I, 'and no mistake.' I know'd well enough that warn't what he sent for me for, by the way he humm'd and hawed when he began.

"'Taking up a trunk, as every hotel-keeper does and has a right to do, and examinin' the name on the bra.s.s plate to the eend on't, is one thing; forcin' the lock and ransackin' the contents, is another. One is precaution, the other is burglary.'

"'It tante burglary,' sais I, 'unless the lodger sleeps in his trunk.

It's only--'

"'Well,' says he, a colourin' up, 'that's technical. I leave these matters to my law officers.'

"I larnt that little matter of law from brother Eldad, the lawyer, but I guess I was wrong there. I don't think I had ought to have given him that sly poke; but I didn't like his talkin' that way to me. Whenever a feller tries to pull the wool over your eyes, it's a sign he don't think high of your onderstandin'. It isn't complimental, that's a fact. 'One is a serious offence, I mean, sais he; 'the other is not. We don't want to sarch; we only want to look a slaver in the face, and see whether he is a free and enlightened American or not. If he is, the _flag of liberty_ protects him and _his slaves_; if he ain't, it don't protect him, nor them nother.'

"Then he did a leadin' article on slavery, and a paragraph on non-intervention, and spoke a little soft sawder about America, and wound up by askin' me if he had made himself onderstood.

"'Plain as a boot-jack,' sais I.

"When that was over, he took breath. He sot back on his chair, put one leg over the other, and took a fresh departur' agin.

"'I have read your books, Mr. Slick,' said he, 'and read 'em, too, with great pleasure. You have been a great traveller in your day. You've been round the world a'most, haven't you?'

"'Well,' sais I, 'I sharn't say I hante.'

"'What a deal of information a man of your observation must have acquired.' (He is a gentlemanly man, that you may depend. I don't know when I've see'd one so well mannered.)

"'Not so much, Sir, as you would suppose,' sais I.

"'Why how so?' sais he.

"'Why,' sais I, 'the first time a man goes round the world, he is plaguy skeered for fear of fallin' off the edge; the second time he gets used to it, and larns a good deal.'

"'Fallin' off the edge!' sais he; 'what an original idea that is. That's one of your best. I like your works for that they are original. We have nothin' but imitations now. Fallin' off the the edge, that's capital. I must tell Peel that; for he is very fond of that sort of thing.'

"He was a very pretty spoken man, was Mr. Tact; he is quite the gentleman, that's a fact. I love to hear him talk; he is so very perlite, and seems to take a likin' to me parsonally."

Few men are so open to flattery as Mr. Slick; and although "soft sawder"

is one of the artifices he constantly uses in his intercourse with others, he is often thrown off of his guard by it himself. How much easier it is to discover the weaknesses of others than to see our own!

But to resume the story.

"'You have been a good deal in the colonies, haven't you?' said he.

"'Considerable sum,' sais I. Now, sais I to myself, this is the rael object he sent for me for; but I won't tell him nothin'. If he'd a up and askt me right off the reel, like a man, he'd a found me up to the notch; but he thort to play me off. Now I'll sarve him out his own way; so here goes.

"'Your long acquaintance with the provinces, and familiar intercourse with the people,' sais he, 'must have made you quite at home on all colonial topics.'

"'I thought so once,' sais I; 'but I don't think so now no more, Sir.'

"'Why how is that?' sais he.

"'Why, Sir,' sais I, 'you can hold a book so near your eyes as not to be able to read a word of it; hold it off further, and get the right focus, and you can read beautiful. Now the right distance to see a colony, and know all about it, is England. Three thousand miles is the right focus for a political spy-gla.s.s. A man livin' here, and who never was out of England, knows twice as much about the provinces as I do.'

"'Oh, you are joking,' sais he.

"Not a bit,' sais I. 'I find folks here that not only know every thing about them countries, but have no doubts upon any matter, and ask no questions; in fact, they not only know more than me, but more than the people themselves do, what they want. It's curious, but it's a fact. A colonist is the most beautiful crittur in natur to try experiments on, you ever see; for he is so simple and good-natured he don't know no better; and so weak, he couldn't help himself if he did. There's great fun in making these experiments, too. It puts me in mind of "Gander Pulling;" you know what this is, don't you?'

"'No,' he said. 'I never heard of it. Is it an American sport?'

"'Yes,' sais I, 'it is; and the most excitin' thing, too, you ever see.'

"'You are a very droll man. Mr Slick,' said he, 'a very droll man indeed. In all your books there is a great deal of fun; but in all your fun, there is a meanin'. Your jokes. .h.i.t, and hit pretty hard, too, sometimes. They make a man think as well as laugh. But, describe this Gander Pulling.'

"'Well, I'll tell you how it is,' sais I. 'First and foremost, a ring-road is formed, like a small race-course; then, two great long posts is fixed into the ground, one on each side of the road, and a rope made fast by the eends to each post, leavin' the middle of the rope to hang loose in a curve. Well, then they take a gander and pick his neck as clean as a babby's, and then grease it most beautiful all the way from the breast to the head, till it becomes as slippery as a soaped eel. Then they tie both his legs together with a strong piece of cord, of the size of a halyard, and hang him by the feet to the middle of the swingin' rope, with his head downward. All the youngsters, all round the county, come to see the sport, mounted a horseback.

"'Well, the owner of the goose goes round with his hat, and gets so much a-piece in it from every one that enters for the "Pullin';" and when all have entered, they bring their hosses in a line, one arter another; and at the words, 'Go ahead!' off they set, as hard as they can split; and as they pa.s.s under the goose, make a grab at him; and whoever carries off the head, wins.

"'Well, the goose dodges his head and flaps his wings, and swings about so, it ain't no easy matter to clutch his neck; and when you do, it's so greasy, it slips right through the fingers, like, nothin'. Sometimes it takes so long, that the hosses are fairly beat out, and can't scarcely raise a gallop; and then a man stands by the post, with a heavy loaded whip, to lash 'em on, so that they mayn't stand under the goose, which ain't fair. The whoopin', and hollerin', and screamin', and bettin', and excitement, beats all; there ain't hardly no sport equal to it. It's great fun _to all except the poor goosey-gander_.

"'The game of colony government to Canady, for some years back, puts me in mind of that exactly. Colonist has had his heels put where his head used to be, this some time past. He has had his legs tied, and his neck properly greased, I tell _you_; and the way every parliament man, and governor, and secretary, gallops round and round, one arter another, a grabbin' at poor colonist, ain't no matter. Every new one on 'em that comes, is confident he is a goin' to settle it; but it slips through his hand, and off he goes, properly larfed at.

"'They have pretty nearly fixed goosey colonist, though; he has got his neck wrung several times; it's twisted all a one side, his tongue hangs out, and he squeaks piteous, that's a fact. Another good grab or two will put him out o' pain; and it's a pity it wouldn't, for no created critter can live long, turned wrong eend up, that way. But the sport will last long arter that; for arter his neck is broke, it ain't no easy matter to get the head off; the cords that tie that on, are as thick as your finger. It's the greatest fun out there you ever see, _to all except poor goosey colonist_.

"'I've larfed ready to kill myself at it. Some o' these Englishers that come out, mounted for the sport, and expect a peerage as a reward for bringin' home the head and settlin' the business for colonist, do cut such figurs, it would make you split; and they are all so everlastin'