The English Spy Part 21

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Lord Arthur Hill his Arab sports, And gentle-usher to the courts: See Horace and Kang C-k,{31} Who, with the modern Mokamna C-m-e, must ever bear the sway For ugliness of look.

A pair of ancients you may spy,{32} Sir Edward and Sir Carnaby, From Brighton just set free; The jesters of our lord the king, Who loves a joke, and aids the thing In many a sportive way.

A motley group come rattling on,{33}

31 Horace S-y-r, gentleman usher to the king, and K-g C-k, said to be the ugliest man in the British army: in the park he is rivalled only by C-c. For the benefit of all the married ladies, we would recommend both of these singularities to wear the veil in public.

32 Sir Ed-d N-g-e. His present majesty is not less fond of a pleasant joke than his laughter-loving predecessor, Charles II. The Puke of Clarence, while at the Pavilion (a short time since), admired a favourite grey pony of Sir E-d N-e's; in praise of whose qualities the baronet was justly liberal.

After the party had returned to the palace, the duke, in concert with the k-g, slily gave directions to have the pony painted and disfigured (by spotting him with water colour and attaching a long tail), and then brought on the lawn. In this state he was shown to Sir E--, as one every way superior to his own. After examining him minutely, the old baronet found great fault with the pony; and being, at the duke's request, induced to mount him, objected to all his paces, observing that he was not half equal to his grey. The king was amazingly amused with the sagacity of the good- humoured baronet, and laughed heartily at the astonishment he expressed when convinced of the deception practised upon him. Sir C-n-y H-s-ne, although a constant visitor at the Pavilion, is not particularly celebrated for any attractive qualification, unless it be his unlimited love of little ladies. He is known to all the horse dealers round London, from his constant inquiries for a "nice quiet little horse to carry a lady;" but we never heard of his making a purchase.

33 The middle order of society was formerly in England the most virtuous of the three--folly and vice reared their standard and recruited their ranks in the highest and the lowest; but the medium being now lost, all is in the extreme. The superlative dandy inhabitant of a first floor from the ground in Bond-street, and the finished inhabitant of a first floor from heaven (who lives by diving) in Fleet- street, are in kindness and habits precisely the same.

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Who ape the style and dress of ton, And Scarce are worth review; Yet forced to note the silly elves, Who take such pains to note themselves, We'll take a name or two.

H-s-ly, a thing of shreds and patches,{34} Whose manners with his calling matches, That is, he's a mere goose.

Old St-z of France, a worthy peer, From s...o...b..ard rais'd him to a sphere Of ornament and use.

The double dandy, fas.h.i.+on's fool, The lubin log of Liverpool, Fat Mister A-p-ll, Upon his cob, just twelve hands high, A mountain on a mouse you'll spy Trotting towards the Mall.

Sir *-----*-, the chicken man,{35}

34 Young Priment, as he is generally termed, the once das.h.i.+ng foreman and cutter out, now co-partner of the renowned Baron St-z, recently made a peer of France. Who would not be a tailor (St-z has retired with a fortune of 100,000. )! Lord de C-ff-d, some time since objecting to certain items in his son's bill from St-z, as being too highly charged, said, "Tell Mr. S- I will not pay him, if it costs me a thousand pounds to resist it. " St-z, on hearing this, said, "Tell his lords.h.i.+p that he shall pay the charge, if it costs me ten thousand to make him." H-s-ly with some little satisfaction was displaying to a customer the Prince of C-b-g's bill for three months (on the occasion of his Highness's new field-marshal's suit, we suppose): "Here," said he, "see what we have done for him: his quarter's tailor's bill now comes to more than his annual income formerly amounted to." Mr. H-s-ly sports a bit of blood, a dennet, and a filly; and, for a tailor, is a superfine sort of dandy, but with a strong scent of the shop about him.

35 The redoubtable general's penchant for little girls has obtained him the tender appellation of the chicken man.

Many of these _pet.i.ts amours_ are carried on in the a.s.sumed name of Sir Lewis N-t-n, aided by the skill and ingenuity of Captain *-. Youth may plead whim and novelty for low intrigue; but the aged beau can only resort to it from vitiated habit.

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With pimp *-a-t in the van, The Spy of an old Spy; Who beat up for recruits in town, Mong little girls, in chequer'd gown, Of ages rather shy.

That mild, complacent-looking face,{36} Who sits his bit of blood with grace, Is tragic Charley Young: With dowager savant a beau, Who'll spout, or tales relate, you know, n.o.bility among.

"Sure such a pair was never seen"

By nature form'd so sharp and keen As H-ds-n and Jack L-g; Or two who've play'd their cards so well, As many a pluck'd roue can tell, Whose purses once were strong: Both deal in pipes--and by the nose Have led to many a green horn's woes A few gay bucks to Surrey, Where Marshal Jones commands in chief A squadron, who to find relief Are always in a hurry.

They're folloiv'd by a merry set-- Cl-m-ris, L-n-x, young B-d-t, Whom they may shortly follow.

That tall dismember'd dandy mark, Who strolls dejected through the park, With cheeks so lank and hollow; That's Badger B-t-e, poet A-- The mighty author of "To-day,"

36 This truly respectable actor is highly estimated among a large circle of polished society; where his amusing talents and gentlemanly demeanour render him a most entertaining and agreeable companion.

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Forgotten of "To-morrow;"

A superficial wit, who 'll write For Shandy little books of spite, When cash he wants to borrow.

The pious soul who 's driving by, And at the poet looks so shy, Is parson A- the gambler;{37} His deaf-lugg'd daddy a known blade In Pandemonium's fruitful trade, 'Mong Paphians a rambler.

Augusta H-ke (or C-i) moves Along the path--her little doves-- Decoys, upon each arm.

Where 's Jehu Martin, four-in-hand, An exile in a foreign land From fear of legal charm.

A pensioner of Cyprian queen, The Bond-street tailor here is seen, The tally-ho so gay.

Next P------s,{38} who by little goes,

37 The parson is so well known, and has been so plentifully be-spattered on all sides, that we shall, with true orthodox charity, leave him with a strong recommendation to the notice of the society for the suppression of vice, with this trite remark, "_Vide hic et ubique_."

38 This man, who is now reported to be worth three hundred thousand pounds, was originally a piece-broker in Bedford- bury, and afterwards kept a low public house in Vinegar- yard, Drury-lane; from whence he merged into an illegal lottery speculation in Northumberland-street, Strand, where he realized a considerable sum by insurances and little goes; from this spot he was transplanted to Norris-street, in the Haymarket, managing partner in a gaming-house, when, after a run of ill luck, an affair occurred that would have occasioned some legal difficulty but for the oath of a pastry-cook's wife, who proved an alibi, in return for which act of kindness he afterwards made her his wife. Obtaining possession of the rooms in Pall-Mall (then the celebrated E. O. tables, and the property of W-, the husband, by a sham warrant), the latter became extremely jealous; and, to make all comfortable, our hero, to use his own phrase, generously bought the mure and coll.--Mrs. W--and her son--both since dead: the latter rose to very high rank in an honourable profession. The old campaigner has now turned pious, and recently erected and endowed a chapel. He used to boast he had more promissory notes of gambling dupes than would be sufficient to cover the whole of Pall-Mall; he may with justice add, that he can command bank notes enough to cover Cavendish-square.

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And west-end h.e.l.ls, to fortune rose By many a subtle way.

Patron of bull-baits, racings, fights, A chief of black-legg'd low delights-- 'Tis the new m------s, F-k; Time was, his heavy vulgar gait, With one of highest regal state Took precedence of rank: But now, a little in disgrace Since J-e usurp'd his m------'s place, A stranger he's at court; Unlike the greatest and the best Who went before, his feather'd nest Is well enrich'd by sport.

F-1-y disastrous, honour's child; L-t-he the giddy, gay, and wild, And sportive little Jack; The prince of dandies join the throng, Where Gwydir spanks his fours along, The silvery grays or black.

The charming F-te, and Colonel B-,{39} Snugly in close carriage see With crimson coats behind: And Mrs. C--, the Christmas belle,

39 We shall not follow the colonel's example, or we could give some extracts from the letters of a. female corespondent of his that would be both curious and interesting; but _n'importe_, consideration for the lady alone prevents the publication. In town he is always discovered by a group of would-be exquisites, the satellites of the Jupiter of B-k-y C-t-e at Gl-r; or at Ch---------m they have some name; but here they are more fortunate, for o'er them oblivion throws the friendly veil.

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With banker's clerk, a tale must tell To all who are not blind.

Ah! Poodle Byng appears in view,{40} Who gives at whist a point or two To dowagers in years.

And see where ev'ry body notes The star of fas.h.i.+on, Romeo Coates{41} The amateur appears: But where! ah! where, say, shall I tell Are the bra.s.s c.o.c.ks and c.o.c.kle sh.e.l.l?

Ill hazard, rouge et noir If it but speak, can tales relate Of many an equipage's fate, And may of many more.

Ye rude canaille, make way, make way, The Countess and the Count--------,{42}

40 This gentleman is generally designated by the name of "the whist man:" he holds a situation in the secretary of state's office, and is in particular favour with all the old dowagers, at whose card parties it is said he is generally fortunate. He has recently been honoured with the situation of grand chamberlain to their black majesties of the Sandwich isles.

41 Poor Borneo's brilliancy is somewhat in eclipse, and though not quite a fallen star, he must not run on black too long,--lest his diamond-hilted sword should be the price of his folly.

42 The Countess of ---------------is the daughter of Governor J-----------; her mother's name was Patty F-d, the daughter of an auctioneer who was the predecessor of the present Mr. Christie's father. Patty, then a very beautiful woman, went with him to India, and was a most faithfull and attentive companion.--On the voyage home with J------- -----and her three children, by him, the present countess, and her brothers James and George, they touched at the Cape, where the old governor most ungratefully fell in love with a young Portuguese lady, whom he married and brought to England in the same s.h.i.+p with his former a.s.sociate, whom he soon after completely abandoned, settling 500L. a year upon her for the support of herself and daughter; his two sons, James and George, he provided with writers.h.i.+ps in the company's service, and sent to India. James died young, and George returned to England in a few years, worth 180,000 pounds.--He lingered in a very infirm state of health, the effects of the climate and Mrs. M-, alias Madame Haut Gout; and at his death, being a bachelor, he left the present countess, his sister who lived with him, the whole of his property. There are various tales circulated in the fas.h.i.+onable world relative to the origin and family of the count, who has certainly been a most fortunate man: he is chiefly indebted for success with the countess to his skill as an amateur on the flute, rather than to his paternal estates. The patron of foreigners, he takes an active part in the affairs of the Opera-house.--Poor Tori having given some offence in this quarter, was by his influence kept out of an engagement; but it would appear he received some amends, by the following extract from a fas.h.i.+onable paper of the day.

A certain fas.h.i.+onable------l, who was thought to be _au comble de bonheur_, has lately been much tormented with that green-eyed monster, Jealousy, in the shape of an opera singer. _Plutot mourir que changer_, was thought to be the motto of the pretty round-faced English------------s; but, alas! like the original, it was written on the sands of disappointment, and was scarcely read by the admiring husband, before his joy was dashed by the prophetic wave, and the inscription erased by a favoured son of Apollo.

_L'oreille est le chemin du cour_: so thought the ------l, and forbade the ----------s to hold converse with Monsieur T.; but _les femmes peuvent tout, parce-qu'elles gouvernent ceux qui gouvernent tous_. A meeting took place in Grosvenor-square, and, amid the interchange of doux yeux, the ---------l arrived: a desperate scuffle ensued; the intruder was banished the house, and, as he left the door, is said to have whistled the old French proverb of _Le bon temps viendra_. This affair has created no little amus.e.m.e.nt among the _beau monde_. All the dowagers are fully agreed on one point, that _l'amour est une pa.s.sion qui vient souvent sans qu'on s'en appercoive, et, qui s'en va aussi de meme_.

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Who play _de prettee_ flute, Who charm _une pet.i.t_ English ninnie, Till all the Joueur J------'s guinea Him _pochee en culotte_.

Who follows? 'tis the Signor Tori, 'Bout whom the gossips tell a story, With some who've gone before: "The bird in yonder cage confined Can sing of lovers young and kind,"

But there, he'll sing no more.

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Lord L------looks disconsolate,{}43 No news from Spain I think of late, Per favour M--------i.

Ne'er heed, my lord, you still may find Some opera damsel true and kind, Who'll prove less coy and naughty.

"Now by the p.r.i.c.king of my thumbs, There's something wicked this way comes,"

'Tis A-'s false dame,{44} Who at Almack's, or in the park, With whispers charms a clucal spark, To blight his wreath of fame.

Observe, where princely Devons.h.i.+re,{45}

43 His lords.h.i.+p, though not quite so deeply smitten as the now happy swain, had, we believe, a little __penchant for the charming little daughter of Terpsich.o.r.e. "What news from Spain, my lord, this morning?" said Sir C. A. to Lord L------"I have no connexion with the foreign office,"

replied his lords.h.i.+p.--"I beg pardon, my lord, but I am sure I met a Spanish messenger quitting your house as I entered it." On the turf, his lords.h.i.+p's four year old (versus five) speculations with Cove B-n have given him a notoriety that will, we think, prevent his ruining himself at Newmarket.

Like the immortal F-e, he is one of the opera directors, and has a great inclination for foreign curiosities. Vide the following extract.--

"The New Corps de Ballot at the Opera this season, 1823, is entirely composed of Parisian elegantes, selected with great taste by Lord L---------, whose judgment in these matters is perfectly con amore. In a letter to a n.o.ble friend on this subject, Lord L--------says that he has seen, felt, and (ap-) proved them all------to be excellent artistes with very finished movements."

Certain ridiculous reports have long been current in the fas.h.i.+onable world, relative to a mysterious family affair, which would preclude the n.o.ble duke's entering into the state of matrimony: it is hardly necessary to say they have no foundation in truth. The duke was certainly born in the same house and at nearly the same time (in Florence) when Lady E. F-st-r, since d.u.c.h.ess of D-, was delivered of a child--but that offspring is living, and, much to the present duke's honour, affectionately regarded by him. The duke was for some years abroad after coming to his t.i.tle, owing, it is said, to an unpleasant affair arising out of a whist party at a great house, which was composed of a Prince, Lords L------and Y------th, another foreign Prince, and a Colonel B-, of whom no one has heard much since.--A n.o.ble mansion in Piccadilly was there and then a.s.signed to the colonel, who at the request of the -e, who had long wished to possess it as a temporary residence, during some intended repairs at the great house, re-conveyed it to the------. On the receipt of a note from Y- the next morning, claiming the amount of the duke's losses, he started with surprise at the immense sums, and being now perfectly recovered from the overpowering effects of the bottle, hastened with all speed to take the opinions of two well-known sporting peers, whose honour has never been questioned, Lords F-y and S-n; they, upon a review of the circ.u.mstances, advised that the money should not be paid, but that all matters in dispute should be referred to a third peer, Earl G-y, who was not a sporting man: to this effect a note was written to the applicant, but not before some communication had taken place with a very high personage; the consequence was that no demand was ever afterwards made to the referee. Lord G- C- afterwards re- purchased the great house with the consent of the duke from the fortunate holder, as he did not like it to be dismembered from the family. We believe this circ.u.mstance had a most salutary effect in preventing any return of a propensity for play.

44 Charley loves good place and wine, And Charley loves good brandy, And Charley's wife is thought divine, By many a Jack a dandy.