The English Spy Part 22

PARODY ON AN OLD NURSERY RHYME.

{45} A CHARACTER OF DEVONs.h.i.+RE.

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In action, heart, and mind, a peer, Avoids the public gaze; Graceful, yet simple in attire, You'd take him for a plain esquire; "His acts best speak his praise."

That queer, plain, yellow chariot, mark, Which drives so rapid through the park, The servants clothed in gray-- That's George, incog.--George who? George-king,{46} Of whom near treason 'tis to sing, In this our sportive lay.

Kings like their subjects should have air And exercise, without the stare Which the state show attends; I love to see in public place The monarch, who'll his people face, And meet like private friends.

So may the crown of this our isle Re ever welcomed with a smile, And, George, that smile be thine!

Then when the time,--and come it must, That crowns and sceptres shall be dust, Thou shalt thy race outs.h.i.+ne, Shalt live in good men's hearts, and tears, From age to age, while mem'ry rears The proud historic shrine.

46 FROM THE DIARY OF A POLITICIAN.

"Through Manchester-square took a canter just now, Met the old yellow chariot, and made a low bow; This did of course, thinking 'twas loyal and civil, But got such a look,--oh! 'twas black as the devil.

How unlucky!--incog, he was traveling about, And I like a noodle must go find him out!

Mem. When next by the old yellow chariot I ride, To remember there is nothing princely inside."

Tom Moore,

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What rueful-looking knight is that,{47} With sunken eye and silken hat,

47 Lord P-r-m, the delicate dandy.

Laced up in stays to show his waist, And highly rouged to show his taste, His whiskers meeting 'neath his chin, With gooseberry eye and ghastly grin, With mincing steps, conceited phrase, Such as insipid P- displays: These are the requisites to s.h.i.+ne A dandy, exquisite, divine.

Ancient Dandies.--A Confession.

The Doctor{*}, as we learn, once said, To Mistress Thrale-- Howe'er a man be stoutly made, And free from ail, In flesh and bone, and colour thrive, "He's going down at 35."

Yet Horace could his vigour muster And would not till a later l.u.s.tre f One single inch of ground surrender To any swain in Cupid's calendar.

But one I think a jot too low, And t'other is too high, I know.

Yet, what I've found, I'll freely state-- The thing may do till.-- But that's a job--for then, in truth, One's but a clumsy sort of youth: And maugre looks, some evil tongue Will say the Dandy is not young:-- For 'mid the yellow and the sear, {**} Though here and there a leaf be green No more the summer of the year It is, than when one swallow's seen.

* Johnson.

t---------------------fuge suspicari Cujus octavum trepidavit otas Claudere l.u.s.trum.--Od. 4.1. ii.

Now tottering on to forty years, My age forbids all jealous fears.

** "My May of life is fallen into the sear and yellow leaf."--Macbeth.

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Pinch'd in behind and 'fore?

Whose visage, like La Mancha's chief, Seems the pale frontispiece to grief, As if 'twould ne'er laugh more: Whose dress and person both defy The poet's pen, the painter's eye, 'Tis _outre tout nature_.

His Arab charger swings his tail, Curvets and prances to the gale Like Death's pale horse,-- And neighing proudly seems to say, Here Fas.h.i.+on's vot'ries must pay Homage of course: Tis P-h-m, whom Mrs. H-g-s At opera and play-house dodges Since he gain'd Josephine; Tailors adorn a thousand ways, And (though Time won't) men may make Slays; The dentist, barber, make repairs, New teeth supply, and colour hairs; But art can ne'er return the Spring-- And spite of all that she can do, _A Beau's_ a very wretched thing At 42!

The late Princess Charlotte issued an order, interdicting any one of her household appearing before her with frightful fringes to their leaden heads. In consequence of this cruel command, P-r-m, being one of the lords of the bed-chamber, was compelled to curtail his immense whiskers. A very feeling ode appeared upon the occasion, ent.i.tled My Whiskers, dedicated to the princess; it was never printed, but attributed to Thomas Moore. The Kiss, or Lady Francis W- W-'s Frolic, had nearly produced a fatal catastrophe. How would poor Lady Anne W-m have borne such a misfortune? or what purling stream would have received the divine form of the charming Mrs. H-d-s? But alas! he escaped little W-'s ball, only to prove man's base ingrat.i.tude, for he has since cut with both these beauties for the interesting little Josephine, the protegee of T------y B-t, and the sister of the female Giovanni.

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Ye madly vicious, can it be!

A mother sunk in infamy, To sell her child is seen.

Let Bow-street annals, and Tom B-t,{48} Who paid the mill'ner, tell the rest, It suits not with our page; Just satire while she censures,--feels,-- Verse spreads the vice when it reveals The foulness of the age.

'Tis half-past five, and fas.h.i.+on's train No longer in Hyde Park remain, Bon ton cries hence, away; The low-bred, vulgar, Sunday throng, Who dine at two, are ranged along On both sides of the way; With various views, these honest folk Descant on fas.h.i.+ons, quiz and joke, Or mark a shy c.o.c.k down{49}; For many a star in fas.h.i.+on's sphere Can only once a week appear In public haunts of town, Lest those two ever watchful friends, The step-brothers, whom sheriff sends, John Doe and Richard Roe, A taking pair should deign to borrow, To wit, until All Souls, the morrow, The body of a beau;

48 Poor Tom B-t has paid dear for his protection of the Josephine: fifteen hundred pounds for millinery in twelve months is a very moderate expenditure for so young a lady of fas.h.i.+on. It is, to be sure, rather provoking that such an ape as Lord ------should take command of the frigate, and sail away in defiance of the chartered party, the moment she was well found and rigged for a cruize. See Common Plea Reports, 1823

49 The Sunday men, as they are facetiously called in the fas.h.i.+onable world, are not now so numerous as formerly: the facility of a trip across the Channel enables many a shy c.o.c.k to evade the scrutinizing eye and affectionate attachment of the law.

But Sunday sets the pris'ner free, He shows in Park, and laughs with glee At creditors and b.u.m.

Then who of any taste can bear The coa.r.s.e, low jest and vulgar stare Of all the city sc.u.m, Of fat Sir Gobble, Mistress Fig, In buggy, sulky, coach, or gig, With Dobbin in the shay?

At ev'ry step some odious face, Of true mechanic cut, will place Themselves plump in your way.

Now onward to the Serpentine, A river straight as any line, Near Kensington, let's walk; Or through her palace gardens stray, Where elegantes of the day Ogle, congee, and talk.

Here imperial fas.h.i.+on reigns, Here high bred belles meet courtly swains By a.s.signation.

Made at Almack's, Argyle, or rout, While Lady Mother walks about In perturbation, Watching her false peer, or to make A Benedict of some high rake, To miss a t.i.tled prize.

Here, cameleon-colour'd, see Beauty in bright variety, Such as a G.o.d might prize.

Here, too, like the bird of Juno, Fancy's a gaudy group, that you know, Of gay _marchands des modes_.

Haberdashers, milliners, fops From city desks, or Bond-street shops, And belles from Oxford-road, Crowds here, commingled, pa.s.s and gaze, And please themselves a thousand ways;

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Some read the naughty rhymes Which are on ev'ry alcove writ, Immodest, lewd attempt at wit, Disgraceful to the times.

Here Scotland's dandy Irish Earl,{50} With n.o.blet on his arm would whirl, And frolic in this sphere; With mulberry coat, and pink cossacks, The red-hair'd Thane the fair attacks, F-'s ever on the leer; And when alone, to every belle The am'rous beau love's tale will tell, Intent upon their ruin.

Beware, Macduff, the fallen stars!

Venus aggrieved will fly to Mars; There's mischief brewing.

What mountain of a fair is that, Whose jewels, lace, and Spanish hat, Proclaim her high degree, With a tall, meagre-looking man, Who bears her reticule and fan?

That was Maria D-, Now the first favourite at court,

50 His lords.h.i.+p is equally celebrated in the wars of Mars and Venus, as a general in the service of Spain. When Lord M-d-ff, in the desperate bombardment of Matagorda (an old fort in the Bay of Cadiz), the falling of a fragment of the rock, struck by a sh.e.l.l, broke, his great toe; in this wounded state he was carried about the alameda in a cherubim chair by two bare-legged gallegos, to receive the condolations of the grandees, and, we regret to add, the unfeeling jeers of the British, who made no scruple to a.s.sert that his lords.h.i.+p had, as usual, "put his foot in it." The n.o.ble general would no doubt have added another leaf to bis laurel under the auspices of the ex-smuggler, late ill.u.s.trissimo general Ballasteros, had not he suddenly become a willing captive to the soul-subduing charms of the beauteous Antonia of Terrifa, of whose history and melancholy death we may speak hereafter. On a late occasion, he has been honoured with the star of the Guelphic order (when, for the first time in his life, he went on his knees), as some amends for his sudden dismissal from the bed-chamber. n.o.blet, who has long since been placed upon the pension list, has recently retired, and is succeeded by a charming little Parisian actress who lives in the New Road, and plays with the French company now at Tottenham-street theatre. Lord L---------has also a little interest in the same concern. His lords.h.i.+p's _affaires des cour_ with Antonia, n.o.blet, and M---------, though perfectly platonic, have proved more expensive than the most determined votary to female attractions ever endured: for the gratification of this innocent pa.s.sion, Marr's{*} mighty pines have bit the dust, and friendly purses bled.

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And, if we may believe report, She holds the golden key Of the backstairs, and can command A potent influence in the land, But K------N best can tell; Tis most clear, no ill betide us, Near the Georgium sidus This planet likes to dwell.

Lovely as light, when morning breaks{51} Above the hills in golden streaks, Observe yon blus.h.i.+ng rose, Uxbridge, the theme of ev'ry tongue, The sylph that charms the ag'd and young, Where grace and virtue glows.

Gay Lady H-e her lounge may take,{52} Reclining near the Indian lake., And think she's quite secure;

51 The beautiful little countess, the charming G.o.ddess of the golden locks, was a Miss Campbell, a near relation of the Duke of Argyll. She is a most amiable and interesting elegante.

52 Although Lord L-e is the constant attendant of Lady H-, report says the attachment is merely platonic. His lords.h.i.+p was once smitten with her sister; and having thero suffered the most cruel disappointment, consoles himself for his loss in the sympathizing society of Lady H------.

* Marr Forest, belonging to his lords.h.i.+p, producing the finest mast pines in the empire; the n.o.ble earl has lately cut many scores of them ami some old friends, rather than balk his fancy.

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As well might C-1-ft hope to pa.s.s Upon the town his C-----r la.s.s For genuine and pure.

See Warwick's charming countess glide,{53} With constant Harry by her side, Along the gay _parterre_; And look where the loud laugh proclaims The cits and their cameleon dames, The gaudy Cheapside fair, Drest in all colours o' the shop, Fas.h.i.+on'd for the Easter hop, To grace the civic feast, Where the great Lord Mayor presides O'er tallow, ribands, rags, and hides, The sultan o' the east.