The English Spy Part 46

to which Mr. Philotus Wantley demurred, not on account of the s.e.x, for he could a.s.sure us he was a fervent admirer, but having studied the wise maxims of Pythagoras, and being a disciple of the Brahma school, abominators of flesh and strong liquors, he hoped to be excused, by drinking the ladies in _aqua pura_.--" Water is a monstrous drink for Christians!" said the alderman, "the sure precursor of coughs, colds, consumptions, agues, dropsies, pleurisies, and spleen. I never knew a water-drinker in my life that was ever a fellow of any spirit, mere morbid anatomies, starvelings and hypochondriacs: your water-drinkers never die of old age, but melancholy."--"Right, right, alderman," said Mr. Pendragon; "a cup of generous wine is, in my opinion, excellent physic; it makes a man lean, and reduces him to friendly dependence on every thing that bars his way: sometimes it is a little grating to his feelings, to be sure, but it generally pa.s.ses off with an hic-cup.

According to Galen, sir, the waters of _Astracan_ breed worms in those who taste them; those ~104~~of _Verduri_, the fairest river in Macedonia, make the cattle who drink of them black, while those of Peleca, in Thessaly, turn every thing white; and Bodine states that the stuttering of the families of Aquatania, about Labden, is entirely owing to their being water-drinkers: a man might as well drink of the river Styx as the river Thames, '_Stygio monstrum conforme paludi_,' a monstrous drink, thickened by the decomposition of dead Christians and dead brutes, and purified by the odoriferous introduction of gas water and puddle water, joined to a pleasant and healthy amalgamation of all the impurities of the common sewers.

'As nothing goes in so thick, And nothing comes out so thin, It must follow, of course, That no-thing can be worse, As the dregs are all left within.'"

"Very well, Mr. Pendragon, very well, indeed," said Mr. Galen Cornaro, an eccentric of the same school, but not equally averse to wine; "'temperance is a bridle of gold; and he who uses it rightly is more like a G.o.d than a man.' I have no objection to a cup of generous wine, provided nature requires it--but 'simple diet,' says Pliny, 'is best;'

for many dishes bring many diseases. Do you know John Abernethy, sir? he is the _ma.n.u.s dei_ of my idolatry. 'What ought I to drink?' inquired a friend of mine of the surgeon. 'What do you give your horse, sir?' was the question in reply. 'Water.' 'Then drink water,' said Abernethy.

After this my friend was afraid to put the question of eatables, lest the doctor should have directed him to live on oats. 'Your modern good fellows,' continued John, 'are only ambitious of rivalling a brewer's horse; who after all will carry more liquor than the best of them.'

'What is good to a.s.sist a weak digestion?' said another patient. 'Weak food and warm clothing,' was the reply; 'not, ~105~~however, forgetting my _blue pill_.' When you have dined well, sleep well: wrap yourself up in a warm watch-coat, and imitate your dog by basking yourself at full length before the fire; these are a few of the Abernethy maxims for dyspeptic patients." I had heard much of this celebrated man, and was desirous of gleaning some more anecdotes of his peculiarities. With this view I laid siege to Mr. Galen Cornaro, who appeared to be well acquainted with the whims of the pract.i.tioner. "I remember, sir," said my informant, "a very good fellow of the name of Elliot, a ba.s.s-singer at the concerts and theatres of the metropolis; a man very much resembling John Abernethy in person, and still more so in manner; one who under a rough exterior carried as warm a heart as ever throbbed within the human bosom. Elliot had fallen ill of the jaundice, and having imbibed a very strong dislike to the name of doctor, whether musical or medical, refused the solicitations of his friends to receive a visit from any one of the faculty; to this eccentricity of feeling he added a predilection for curing every disease of the body by the use of simples, decoctions, and fomentations extracted from the musty records of old Culpepper, the English physician. Pursuing this principle, Elliot every day appeared to grow worse, and drooped like the yellow leaf of autumn in its sear; until his friends, alarmed for his safety, sent to Abernethy, determined to take the patient by surprise. Imagine a robust-formed man, sinking under disease and _ennui_, seated before the fire, at his side a table covered with phials and pipkins, and near him his _vade mec.u.m_, the renowned Culpepper. A knock is heard at the door. 'Come in!' vociferates the invalid, with stentorian lungs yet unimpaired; and enter John Abernethy, not a little surprised by the ungraciousness of his reception. 'Who are you?' said Elliot in thorough-ba.s.s, just inclining his head half round to recognize his visitor, ~106~~without attempting to rise from his seat: Abernethy appeared astonished, but advancing towards his patient, replied, 'John Abernethy.'

'Elliot. Oh, the doctor!

'Abernethy. No, not the doctor; but plain John Abernethy, if you please.

'Elliot. Ay, my stupid landlady sent for you, I suppose.

'Abernethy. To attend a very stupid patient, it would appear.

'Elliot. Well, as you are come, I suppose I must give you your fee.

(Placing the gold upon the table.)

'Abernethy (looking rather cross.) What's the matter with you?

'Elliot. Can't you see?

'Abernethy. Oh yes, I see very well; then tasting some of the liquid in the phials, and observing the source from whence the prescriptions had been extracted, the surgeon arrived at something that was applicable to the disease. Who told you to take this?

'Elliot. Common sense.

'Abernethy putting his fee in his pocket, and preparing to depart. Good day.

'Elliot (reiterating the expression.) Good day! Why, you mean to give me some advice for my money, don't you?

'Abernethy, with the door in his hand. Follow common sense, and you'll do very well.'

"Thus ended the interview between Abernethy and Elliot. It was the old tale of the stammerers personified; for the professional and the patient each conceived the other an imitator. On reaching the ground-floor the surgeon was, however, relieved from his embarra.s.sment by the communication of the good woman of the house, who, in her anxiety to serve Elliot, had produced this extraordinary scene. Abernethy laughed heartily--a.s.sured her that the patient would do well--wrote a prescription for him--begged ~107~~he might hear how he proceeded--and learning he was a professional man, requested the lady of the mansion to return him his fee."

"Ay," said the alderman, "that was just like John Abernethy. I remember when he tapped poor Mrs. Marigold for the dropsy, he was not very tender, to be sure, but he soon put her out of her tortures. And when on his last visit I offered him a second twenty pound note for a fee, I thought he would have knocked me down; asked me if I was the fool that gave him such a sum on a former occasion; threw it back again with indignation, and said he did not rob people in that manner." No professional man does more generous actions than John Abernethy; only it must be after his own fas.h.i.+on.

"Come, gentlemen, the bottle stands still," said Mr. Pendragon, "while you are running through the merits of drinking. Does not Rabelais contend that good wine is the best physic?' because there are more old tipplers than old physicians.' Custom is every thing; only get well seasoned at the first start, and all the rest of life is a summer's scene. Snymdiris the

Sybarite never once saw the sun rise or set during a course of twenty years; yet he lived to a good old age, drank like a centaur, and never went to bed sober."

And when his gla.s.s was out, he fell Like some ripe kernel from its sh.e.l.l.

"I was once an anti-gastronomist and a rigid antisaccharinite; sugar and milk were banished from my breakfast-table, vegetables and puddings my only diet, until I almost ceased to vegetate, and my cranium was considered as soft as a custard; and curst hard it was to cast off all culinary pleasures, sweet reminiscences of my infancy, commencing with our first spoonful of pap, for all young protestants are papists; to this day my heart (like Wordsworth's) ~108~~overflows at the sight of a pap-boat--the boat a child first mans; to speak naughty-cally, as a nurse would say, how many a row is there in the pap-boat--how many squalls attend it when first it comes into contact with the skull! But I am now grown corpulent; in those days I was a lighter-man, and I believe I should have continued to live (exist) upon herbs and roots; but Dr.

Kitchener rooted up all my prejudices, and overturned the whole system of my theory by practical ill.u.s.trations.

"Thus he that's wealthy, if he's wise, Commands an earthly paradise; That happy station nowhere found, But where the gla.s.s goes freely round.

Then give us wine, to drown the cares Of life in our declining years, That we may gain, if Heav'n think fitting, By drinking, what was lost by eating: For though mankind for that offence Were doom'd to labour ever since, Yet Mercy has the grape impower'd To sweeten what the apple sour'd."

To this good-humoured sally of Pendragon succeeded a long dissertation on meats, which it is not _meet_ I should relate, being for the most part idle conceits of Mr. Galen Cornaro, who carried about him a long list of those prescribed eatables, which engender bile, breed the _incubus_, and produce spleen, until, according to his bill of fare, he had left himself nothing to subsist upon in this land of plenty but a mutton-chop, or a beef-steak. What pleased me most was, that with every fresh bottle the two disciples of Pythagoras and Abernethy became still more vehement in maintaining the necessity for a strict adherence to the theory of water and vegetable economy; while their zeal had so far blinded their recollection, that when the ladies returned from their walk to join us at tea, they were both "_bacchi plenis_," as Colman has it, something inclining from ~109~~a right line, and approaching in its motion to serpentine sinuosities. A few more puns from Mr. Pendragon, and another story from the alderman, about his friend, young Tattersall, employing Scroggins the bruiser, disguised as a countryman to beat an impudent Highgate toll-keeper, who had grossly insulted him, finished the amus.e.m.e.nts of the day, which Mrs. Marigold and Miss Biddy declared had been spent most delightfully, so rural and entertaining, and withal so economical, that the alderman was induced to promise he would not dine at home again of a Sunday for the rest of the summer. To me, at least, it afforded the charm of novelty; and if to my readers it communicates something of character, blended with pleasure in the perusal, I shall not regret my Sunday trip with the Marigold family and first visit to the

GATE HOUSE, HIGHGATE.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page109]

THE STOCK EXCHANGE.

~110~~

Have you ever seen Donnybrook fair?

Or in a _caveau_ spent the night?

On Waterloo's plains did you dare To engage in the terrific fight?

Has your penchant for life ever led You to visit the Finish or Slums, At the risk of your pockets and head?

Or in Banco been fixed by the b.u.ms?

In a smash at the h.e.l.ls have you been, When pigeons were pluck'd by the bone?

Or enjoy'd the magnificent scene When our fourth George ascended his throne?

Have you ever heard Tierney or Canning A Commons' division address?

Or when to the gallery ganging, Been floor'd by a rush from the press?

Has your taste for the fine arte impell'd You to visit a bull-bait or fight?

Or by rattles and charleys propell'd, In a watch-house been lodged for the night?

In a morning at Bow-street made one Of a group just to bother sage Birnie?

Stood the racket, got fined, cut and run, Being fleeced by the watch and attorney?

Or say, have you dined in Guildhall With the mayor and his corporate souls?

Or been squeezed at a grand civic ball, With dealers in tallow and coals?

Mere nothings are these, though the range Through all we have noticed you've been, When compared to the famed Stock Exchange, That riotous gambling scene.

~111~~

The unexpected Legacy--Bernard Blackmantle and Bob Transit visit Capel Court--Characters in the Stocks--Bulls, Bears and Bawds, Brokers, Jews and Jobbers--A new Acquaintance, Peter Princ.i.p.al--His Account of the Market--The Royal Exchange--Tricks upon Travellers--Slating a Stranger--The Hebrew Star and his Satellites--Dividend Hunters and Paragraph Writers--The New Bubble Companies--Project Extraordinary--Prospectus in Rhyme of the Life, Death, Burial, and Resurrection Company--Lingual Localisms of the Stock Exchange explained--The Art and Mystery of Jobbing exposed--Anecdotes of the House and its Members--Flying a Tile--Billy Wright's Brown Pony--Selling a Twister--A Peep into Botany Bay--Flats and Flat-catchers--The Rotunda and the Transfer Men--How to work the Telegraph--Create a Rise-- Put on the Pot--Bang down the Market--And waddle out a Lame Duck.

A bequest of five hundred pounds by codicil from a rich old aunt had most unexpectedly fallen to my friend Transit, who, quite unprepared for such an overwhelming increase of good fortune, was pondering on the best means of applying this sudden acquisition of capital, when I accidentally paid him a visit in Half-moon Street. "Give me joy, Bernard," said Bob; "here's a windfall;" thrusting the official notice into my hand; "five hundred pounds from an old female miser, who during her lifetime was never known to dispense five farthings for any generous or charitable purpose; but being about to _slip her wind_ and make a _wind-up_ of her accounts, was kind enough to remember at parting that she had a poor relation, an ~112~~artist, to whom such a sum might prove serviceable, so just hooked me on to the tail end of her testamentary doc.u.ment and booked me this legacy, before she booked herself inside for the other world. And now, my dear Bernard," continued Bob, "you are a man of the world, one who knows

'What's what, and that's as high As metaphysic wit can fly.'

I am puzzled, actually bewildered what to do with this acc.u.mulation of wealth: only consider an eccentric artist with five hundred pounds in his pocket; why it must prove his death-warrant, unless immediate measures are taken to free him from its magical influence. Shall I embark it in some of the new speculations? the Milk company, or the Water company, the Flesh, Fish, or Fowl companies, railways or tunnel-ways, or in short, only put me in the right way, for, at present, I am mightily abroad in that respect." "Then my advice is, that you keep your money at home, or in other words, fund it; unless you wish to be made fun of and laughed at for a milksop, or a bubble merchant, or be taken for one of the Gudgeon family, or a chicken butcher, a member of the Poultry company, where fowl dealing is considered all fair; or become a liveryman of the wors.h.i.+pful company of minors (i.e. miners), where you may be fleeced a la Hayne, by legs, lawyers, bankers and brokers, demireps and contractors'; or, perhaps, you ~113~~will feel disposed to embark in a new company, of which I have just strung together a prospectus in rhyme: a speculation which has, at least, much of novelty in this country to recommend it, and equally interests all orders of society.

1 It is not surprising, we see, that lawyers, bankers, and brokers are found at the bottom of most of the new schemes.

Their profits are certain, whatever the fate of the Gudgeon family. The brokers, in particular, have a fine harvest of it. Their charges being upon the full nominal amount of the shares sold, they get twice as much by transferring a single 100L. share in a speculation, although only 1L. may have been paid on it, as by the purchase or sale of 100L.

consols, of which the price is 94L. Or, to make the matter plainer to the uninitiated, suppose an individual wishes to lay out 500L. in the stock-market. If he orders his broker to purchase into the British funds, the latter will buy him about 535L. three per cent, consols; and the brokerage, at one-eighth per cent, will be about 13s. But if the same person desires to invest the same sum in the stock of a new Mine or Rail-road company, which is divided into 100L. shares, on each of which say 1L. is paid, and there is a premium of 1L. (as is the case at this moment with a stock we have in our eye) his broker's account will then stand thus:--

Bought 250 shares in the ---- Company.

First instalment of 1L. paid 250 0 0