The English Spy Part 47

Premium L. per share 250 0 0

500 0 0

Brokerage per cent, on 25,000L. stock 62 10 0

562 10 0

Which will leave Mr. Adventurer to pay 62L. 10s. to his broker, and to pay 99L. more on each of his 250 shares, when the------company "call" for it!

Or, let us reverso the case, and suppose our speculator, having been an original subscriber for 100 shares in the ---- company, and having consequently obtained them for nothing, wishes to sell, finding them at a premium of 6s.

per share, and either fearing they may go lower, or not being able to pay even the first instalment called for by the directors. If he is an humble tradesman, he is perhaps eager to realise a profit obtained without labour, and hugs him-self at the idea of the hundred crowns and the hundred s.h.i.+llings he shall put into his pocket by this pleasant process. Away he posts to Cornhill, searches out a broker, into whose hands he puts the letter ent.i.tling him to the 100 shares, with directions to sell at the current premium. The broker takes a turn round 'Change, finds a customer, and the whole affair is settled in a twinkling, by an entry or two in the broker's memorandum-book, and the drawing of a couple of cheques. Our fortunate speculator, who is anxiously waiting at Batson's the return of his man of business, and spending perhaps 3s. 6d. in bad negus and tough sandwiches, on the strength of his good luck, is then presented with a draft on a banker for 5L. neatly folded up in a small slip of foolscap, containing the following satisfactory particulars:--

Sold 100 shares in the------company--nothing paid--prem. 6s. 30

Brokerage, 1/4 per cent, on 10,000L. stock 25

By cheque 5

He stares wildly at this doc.u.ment, utterly speechless, for five minutes, during which the broker, after saying he shall be happy to "do" for him another time, throws a card on the table, and exit. The lucky speculator wanders into 'Change with the account in his hand, and appeals to several Jews to know whether he has not been cheated: some abuse him for the insinuation against so "respectable" a man as Mr.----- the broker; others laugh in his face; and all together hustle him into the street. He goes home richer by 4L.. 16s. 6d.

than when he went out, and finds that a wealthy customer, having called three times in his absence to give him a particular order, had just left the shop in a rage, swearing he would no longer encourage so inattentive a tradesman.-- _Examiner_.

THE LIFE, DEATH, BURIAL, AND RESURRECTION COMPANY.

CAPITAL.--ONE HUNDRED MILLIONS SHARES.--ONE POUND.

~115~~

In this age of projectors, when bubbles are spread With illusive attractions to bother each head, When bulls, bears, jews, and jobbers all quit Capelcourt To become speculators and join in the sport, Who can wonder, when interest with intellect clashes, We should have a new club to dispose of our ashes; To rob death of its terrors, and make it delightful To give up your breath, and abolish the frightful Old custom of lying defunct in your shroud, Surrounded by relatives sobbing aloud?

We've a scheme that shall mingle the "grave with the gay,"

And make it quite pleasant to die, when you may.

First, then, we propose with the graces of art, Like our Parisian friends, to make ev'ry tomb smart; And, by changing the feelings of funeral terrors, Remove what remain'd of old Catholic errors.

Our plan is to blend in the picturesque style Smirke, Soane, Nash, and Wyatville all in one pile.

So novel, agreeable, and grateful our scheme, That death will appear like a sweet summer's dream; And the horrid idea of a gloomy, cold cell, Will vanish like vapours of mist from a dell.

~116

Thus changed, who'll object a kind friend to inhume, When his sepulchre's made like a gay drawing-room 1 A diversified, soothing commixture of trees, Umbrageous and fann'd by the perfumed breeze; With alcoves, and bowers, and fish-ponds, and shrubs, Select, as in life, from intrusion of scrubs; While o'er your last relics the violet-turf press Must a flattering promise afford of success.

"Lie light on him, earth," sung a poet of old; Our earth shall be sifted, and never grow cold; No rude weight on your chest--how like ye our scheme {1} Where your grave will be warm'd by a process of steam, Which will boil all the worms and the grubs in their holes, And preserve from decay ev'ry part but your souls.

Our cemetery, centred in fancy's domain, Shall by a state edict eternal remain To all parties open, the living or dead; Or christian, or atheist, here rest their head, In a picturesque garden, and deep shady grove, Where young love smiles, and fas.h.i.+on delighteth to rove.

To render the visitors' comforts complete, And afford the grieved mourners a proper retreat, The directors intend to erect an hotel, Where a _table d'hote_ will be furnished well; Not with the "cold meats of a funeral feast,"

But a banquet that's worthy a nabob at least; Of _lachryma christi_, and fine _vin de grave_, And cordial compounds, a choice you may have.

Twice a week 'tis proposed to illumine the scene, And to waltz and quadrille on the velvety green; While Colinet's band and the Opera Corps Play and dance with a spirit that's quite _con amore_, A committee of taste will superintend The designs and inscriptions to each latter end.

~117~~

Take notice, no cross-bones or skulls are allowed, Or naked young cherubims riding a cloud; In short, no allusions that savour of death, Nor aught that reminds of a friend's parting breath.

The inscriptions and epitaphs, elegies too, Must all be poetical, lively, and new; Such as never were heard of, or seen heretofore, To be written by Proctor, Sam. Rogers, or Moore.

In lieu of a sermon, glee-singers attend, Who will chant, like the cherubims, praise without end.

Three decent old women, to enliven the hours, Attend with gay garlands and sacred flowers, The emblems of grief--artificial, 'tis true, But very like nature in a general view.

Lord Graves will preside, and vice-president Coffin Will pilot the public into the offing.

The College of Surgeons and Humane Society Have promised to send a delightful variety.

The Visitors all are physicians of fame; And success we may, therefore, dead certainty name.

To the delicate nervous, who'd wish a snug spot, A romantic temple, or moss-cover'd grot, Let them haste to John Ebers, and look at the plan; Where the grave-book lies open, its merits to scan.

Gloves, hatbands, and essence of onions for crying, White 'kerchiefs and snuff, and a cordial worth trying, The attendants have ready; and more--as time presses, No objection to bury you in fancy dresses.

Our last proposition may frighten you much; We propose to reanimate all by a touch, By magic revive, if a century old, The bones of a father, a friend, or a scold.

In short, we intend, for all--but a wife, To bring whom you please in a moment to life; That is, if the shares in our company rise,-- If not 'tis a bubble, like others, of lies.

--Bernard Blackmantle.

~118~~The recitation of this original _jeu d'esprit_ had, I found, the salutary effect of clearing my friend Transit's vision in respect to the _speculation mania_; and being by this time fully accoutred and furnished with the possibles, we sallied forth to make a purchase in the public funds. There is something to be gleaned from every event in this life, particularly by the eccentric who is in search of characteristic matter. I had recently been introduced to a worthy but singular personage in the city, Mr. Peter Princ.i.p.al, stock broker, of the firm of Hazard and Co.--a man whose probity was never yet called in question, and who, having realized a large property by the most honourable means, was continually selected as broker, trustee, and executor by all his acquaintance. To him, therefore, I introduced my friend Bob, who being instantly relieved from all his weighty troubles, and receiving in return the bank receipts, we proceeded to explore the regions of Pluto (i.e. the money market), attended by Peter Princ.i.p.al as our guide and instructor. On our entrance into Capel Court we were a.s.sailed by a motley group of Jews and Gentiles, inhabitants of Lower Tartary (i.e.

Botany Bay{2}), who, suspecting we came there on business, addressed us in a jargon that was completely unintelligible either to Transit or myself. One fellow inquired if I was a bull,{3} and his companion wished to know if Transit was a bear{4}; another eagerly offered to give us _five eighths_, or sell us, at the same price, for the account'{5}; while a fourth thrust his

2 A place so named, without the Stock Exchange, where the lame ducks and fallen angels of Upper Tartary a.s.semble when expelled the house, to catch a hint how the puff's and bangs succeed in the private gambling market; when if they can saddle their neighbour before he is up to the variation, it is thought good jobbing.

3 Persons that purchase with a view for a rise in the funds.

4 One who sells with a view to a fall in the price of stock.

5 A certain future day, fixed upon by the Committee of the Stock Exchange, for the settlement of _time bargains_--they are usually appointed at an interval of six weeks, and the price of stocks on this given day determines the speculator's gain or loss.

~119~~copper countenance into my face, and offered to do business with me at a fiddle.{6} "Tush, tush," said Peter Princ.i.p.al to the increasing mult.i.tude which now barred our pa.s.sage, "we are only come to take a look, and watch the operation of the market." "_Dividend hunters_{7} I suppose," said a knowing looking fellow, sarcastically, "ear wigging{8}--Hey, Mr. Princ.i.p.al, something good for the pull out{9}?

Well, if the gentlemen wish to put on the pot, although it be for a pony,{10} I'm their man, only a little rasping,{11} you know." To this eloquent appeal succeeded a similar application from a son of Israel, who offered to accommodate us in any way we wished, either for the _call_{l2} or _put_{13}; to which friendly offer little Princ.i.p.al put his direct negative, and, after innumerable

6 When a broker has got money transactions of any conse- sequence, as there is no risk in these cases, he will fiddle one finger across the other, signifying by this that the jobber must give up half the turn of the market price to him, which he pockets besides his commission.

7 Those who suppose by changing stock they get double interest, by receiving four dividends in one year instead of two; but in this they are deceived, as the jobber, when he changes stock, gains the advantage; for instance, if he buys consols at sixty, when he sells out there will be deducted one and a half per cent. for the dividend.

8 When bargains are done privately by a whisper, to conceal the party's being a bull.

9 Buying or selling for ready money.

10 Pony, 25,000L.

11 Giving greater turns to the jobbers than those regulated in the market.

12 _Call_. Buying to call more at one-eighth or one-fourth above the price on a certain day, if the buyer chooses, and the price is in his favour.

13 _Put_. Selling to put more to it on a certain day, at one-eighth or one-fourth under the market price.

~120~~attacks of this sort, we reached the upper end of the court, and found ourselves upon the steps which lead to the regions of Upper Tartary, (i.e.) the Stock Exchange. At this moment our friend Princ.i.p.al was summoned by his clerk to attend some antique spinster, who, having sc.r.a.ped together another hundred, had hobbled down to annex it to her previous amount of consols. "You must not attempt to enter the room by yourselves," said Princ.i.p.al; "but accompany me back to the Royal Exchange, where you can walk and wait until I have completed the old lady's _job_." While Princ.i.p.al was gone to invest his customer's stock, we amused ourselves with observing the strange variety of character which every where presents itself among the groups of all nations who congregate together in this arena of commerce. Perhaps a more fortunate moment for such a purpose could not have occurred: the speculative transactions of the times had drawn forth a certain portion of the Stock Exchange, gamblers, or inhabitants of Upper Tartary, who, like experienced sharpers of another description, never suffer a good thing to escape them. Capel Court was partially abandoned for exchange bubbles,{14} and new companies opened a new system of fraudulent enrichment for these sharks of the money market.

14 The speculative mania, which at this time raged with un- precedented violence among a large portion of his Majesty's liege subjects, gave the "John Bull" a glorious opportunity for one of their witty satires, in which the poet has very humorously described the

BUBBLES OF 1825.

Tune--"Run, neighbours, run."