The Foolish Almanak Part 19

FRIDAY

SAt.u.r.dAY

SEPTEMBER

It's a long lane that hides no lovers.

SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS

HAY A-LA-MODE

Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right.

NUT CUTLET

Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind them into a paste of about the consistency of the average politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a veal cutlet.

IMITATION POTTED HARE

Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation hare, to be used for decorative purposes only.

STEWED RUBBER PLANT

Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic.

[Sidenote: _Ticker Note_: Bull movements are carefully watched in Mexico and Spain.]

[Sidenote: _Fas.h.i.+on Note_: Many a hose is worn to be seen.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: It's always harvest time for me.]

SUNDAY (1,10,000 B.C.) Aphrodite born from the "foam of the sea."

(1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of too many "schooners."

MONDAY

TUESDAY General opening of Public Schools.

General opening of Oysters.

WEDNESDAY (1777) Brandywine proves a bad mixture for the colonial troops.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries established in England. Marriage encouraged.

SAt.u.r.dAY

SEPTEMBER

That love is blind accounts for so many miscues.

HEALTH HINTS

To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and hang it over the rail of the s.h.i.+p where the salt spray can drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time of going ash.o.r.e.

Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how to increase the same by consulting the editor of their favorite Sunday newspaper.

Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They are highly recommended for strengthening the breath.

For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND sleep.

To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish gra.s.s widow.

Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble should they all break out at once.

[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: For "dust" in the house, ask hubby.]

[Sidenote: _Art Note_: An artists' model is not necessarily a model of good behavior.

[Ill.u.s.tration]