The Foolish Almanak Part 20

[Ill.u.s.tration]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a submarine.

TUESDAY (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo Cristofori. His a.s.sa.s.sination soon follows.

SAt.u.r.dAY

SEPTEMBER

It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it.

LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY

_How to Trim Rich Relations._

This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the subjects can only be approached when they are asleep.

Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and any jewels or trinkets that you may find.

Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the subject before you can do the tr.i.m.m.i.n.g.

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: While sleeping it is best to lie on the right side; also while awake.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: It's always harvest time for me. The trusts.]

SUNDAY (1629) First theater in America established in Boston. Patti opened theater with first farewell performance.

MONDAY

TUESDAY "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm sure I can't imagine where they buy such long stockings."

--Aunt Mary's letter from the seash.o.r.e.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis.

SAt.u.r.dAY

SEPTEMBER

Those who live in gla.s.s houses should conduct themselves accordingly.

RARE RECIPES

_TO MAKE A LIVING_: To one old woman with money add "soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

_TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD_: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight.

_TO PRESERVE MONEY_: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent part in church affairs.

[Sidenote: _Entomological Note_: In Was.h.i.+ngton the Katy-dids now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.]

[Sidenote: _Home Hint_: Servant girls should be picked early this month. If picked green they often last the whole winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

SUNDAY (1296) Society of "Merchant Adventurers"

established by John, of Biabaut.

(1901) Steal Trust organized by Morgan, of New York.

MONDAY

TUESDAY "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal without having to read it."

--Kudyard Ripling.