The Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter Part 24

rejoined the waiter, "is snale patte, a dish so rare and savory that it is all eaten up: but if your excellency will be patient we will have some more prepared expressly for him."

"Heavens, sir! spare yourself the trouble; for if it be such meat I have been eating, why then, to the priests with it; for I shall soon need a doctor." The priests overheard this remark, and thereupon arose, returned thanks, and retired. The chairman rose as soon as they were gone and made a speech, which he addressed to our hero, and with such clever irony that he sent the whole company into a t.i.tter. He congratulated our country on the possession of so famous a diplomatist as General Potter, a gentleman whose name would be a gem in our history, and whose wonderful achievements as a statesman had shed l.u.s.tre upon our country's fame. "We have accompanied him here in safety; we regret to part with him; but feeling that he will prove himself a faithful sentinel of our country's interests, we devoutly pray that his mission may be an unprecedented round of successes," said he. Indeed, he astonished every one present with his facility for paying compliments, and so confused the general that he was at a loss what to say in reply. In short, he declared government had a rich inheritance in such persons, and was moved by a wise policy in sending abroad gentlemen not enc.u.mbered with a whole Babylon of tongues.

When the chairman had finished his speech the general rose with great pomp and circ.u.mstance to reply. He cast a wild and confused look about him, and then paused as if to collect his thoughts. "It must not be said of me that making speeches is not one of my functions, for, as your honor knows, I have made a score of them recently; but that which I just now had so pat at my tongue's end, and was just the speech for you, has got right out of my head, which just now feels like a split mountain. What you say of my services to my country is true enough; for I am none of your thieving politicians, but a man who acts under the patronage of honesty, which heaven knows is enough for any patriot. Faith of my father!

and I can tell you that these expressions of sincerity and esteem gratify me much, for they are like so many suns and stars in the firmament of my glory-"

"If your excellency would only throw in a little of the Latin,"

interrupted Mr. Tickler, in a whisper; "such another chance will not offer these three years." But he resumed, heedless of the admonition: "And I would have every man who goes abroad carry his country in his pocket, not forgetting to take it out now and then for the purpose of wors.h.i.+p." The speaker here became confused, and after making several ineffectual efforts to continue, settled into his chair and held his peace, as the commander and most of the guests took their departure, much gratified with the evening's entertainment. The general was now left with the officers and his secretary. And these fine young gentlemen were so bent on mischief that they pledged the "amba.s.sador" and Mr. Tickler in b.u.mpers, and with such rapidity that both were soon in a state of stupefaction.

And for the nonce they laid the general full length upon the table.

Mr. Tickler they placed in a sort of pillory with his hands and feet secured, his face painted most hideously, and the stuffed image of a huge Indian of savage aspect, fronting him, his spear poised.

And now, when it was pa.s.sed midnight; when every snake in Buzabub had coiled himself up, shut his eyes and gone quietly to sleep; when pestering centipedes, lizards, and c.o.c.kroaches were gone peaceably to their holes; and not even a monkey winked, lest he disturb the elements, which were hushed into perfect silence,-there might have been seen at the door of the inn no less an animal than old Battle, harnessed to a vehicle quite resembling those hea.r.s.es used in the villages of New Jersey, and presenting in the pale moonlight a figure both forlorn and ludicrous. And this was further increased by a figure representing Death, mounted upon the poor animal, with his scythe and gla.s.s adjusted-the whole presenting a picture of death very like that described in Revelations as seated upon the pale horse. The face of the figure was deathly pale, his raiment was a sheet, and a tall, white cap was on his head; and for the rest he was in his buff. On the hinder part of the vehicle a figure of Time was mounted; while still another, representing the devil, was gravely mounted on a seat in front. Four mischievously-inclined gentlemen now made their appearance, staggering under the weight of our great and wonderful "amba.s.sador," whom they thrust, head-foremost, into the vehicle. Never was minister plenipotentiary handled with so little ceremony: never was so famous a war-horse made to perform such shabby service, to the serious damage of his master's great reputation.

At the word, this curiously-equipped cortege drove rapidly to a great grotto, in which the distinguished dead of Nezub were placed, preparatory to being prayed through purgatory by the priests. And here, having safely secured and barricaded the entrance, General Roger Potter--statesman, philosopher, warrior, and politician--was left to sleep in the company of his faithful horse and the dead.

CHAPTER XLIX.

WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARY GAINED THEIR UNDERSTANDINGS.

LIKE one slowly regaining from a state of stupor, with a generally disordered system and grievously sore bones, the general came to his understanding on the following morning, and to his utter astonishment found himself in a position where he could neither move to the right nor the left. All was dark, and a silence as of the tomb reigned. He had a dim recollection of the banquet; the vagaries of his past life flashed through his mind; the grand achievements he had fancied marking his future dwindled into disappointment. "As I'm a sinner," said he, struggling in vain to extricate himself, "this mission of mine is not all suns.h.i.+ne and feather beds." He now heard the kicking and frisking of his horse, and becoming somewhat alarmed, bawled out at the top of his voice for Father Segong and his secretary. But as his wily secretary was in no condition to come to his relief, even had he been within hearing distance, and the good priest was fast asleep in his chamber, the only reply he got was the echoes of his own bawlings. Mistaking the nature of the sounds, he came to the conclusion that the good priest had turned joker, and was trifling with his misfortunes. Losing his patience, then, he called his elbows into service, and succeeded after much perturbation in escaping feet-foremost from his sh.e.l.l. And as he stood erect upon his feet, a thousand queer fancies again crowded upon his mind and so haunted his imagination that all his courage vanished, and he began to feel in his heart that he had fallen into a trance, and been buried alive by the priests, who had left him in a state of probation until they could find time to pray him through purgatory. He felt and felt about the vehicle and the horse, who was so high of bone that he at once recognized him. "Battle! Battle! my trusty friend!" he exclaimed, almost dissolved in tears, "could I have seen that this was to be our end!" And with these words of condolence he patted him upon the neck until the animal was so deeply moved that he acknowledged the kindness with a neigh that sent all the bats in the grotto to fluttering; the noise of which was like distant thunder, and sent such a thrill of terror to the heart of our warrior that he opened not his mouth for several minutes. Indeed, as his courage had run out, he was upon the eve of giving himself up to despair. But discovering the cause, and suddenly calling to mind that he was a military man, as well as a politician, he regained his courage for the nonce, and feeling for his sword, which, fortunately, he had left at home, declared he would be the death of every bat in the cave.

The writer of this history, duly mindful of the value of truth, and moved by the great regard for that high honor and sincerity which rules at this day, feels constrained here to confess that the general was not without a suspicion that there might be a joke at the bottom of it all. He therefore commenced searching for an opening, but had not proceeded far when a faint gleam of light flashed through a crevice near the entrance, and, to his horror, discovered rows of rude coffins, standing upright, but with the ghastly faces of their inmates exposed, and made more unnatural by a pale glow of light playing over them. "Protect me, O father, protect me, for I am but a weak sinner, at thy mercy," he muttered, and fell upon his knee, as every ounce of his courage left him; several times he essayed to continue his prayer, but as praying was no part of his political creed, and was little practised by military men, his tongue failed to serve him. Sure now that he had been buried alive, he gave out several loud shrieks, and regaining his thoughts, said in a low, supplicating tone, "I acknowledge, O forgiving Lord, to have committed manifold sins, and to have merited the devil and his punishment, since, being a politician, I have told lies enough to sink a kingdom. Forgive me for the many stories I have told. I never was in Mexico, and solemnly declare that if you will be merciful to me, and restore me to my family, that I may not die in this charnel house, to forsake the life of a politician, and so devote myself to doing your will that when the end comes I shall surely be fit for the kingdom of heaven. Yes, merciful and forgiving Lord, there's that story of my first adventure in New York; draw near and forgive me, for I solemnly declare there is not a grain of truth in the whole of it, as you will see by comparing it with the facts of history." Again his tongue failed to serve him in prayer; again he yielded to his doubts; again he commenced shrieking at the very top of his voice. And this proved a most fortunate expedient, for an Indian girl, straying that way, overheard these distressing cries, and surmising that they proceeded from the grotto, hastened to the door, and letting down a little trap, a stream of light was admitted into the cave, when she discovered the general, who as suddenly started to his feet, and forgetting his promises to the angels, ran to the trap, and looking out into a sort of trench, demanded of the girl, (she was running terrified unto death,) that she stop and relieve him from his perilous position. But the girl ran screaming to the inn, and bid the host get to the grotto, "for"

said she, in her own tongue, "I saw the devil in it, and he is surely the devil, for my eyes are good, and he looks exactly as father Segong describes him."

The host and several of the officers, swearing to have vengeance of the perpetrators of so foul a deed, hastened to the grotto, tore away the barricades, and affecting great indignation at the insult offered their representative, set him free. Indeed he had no sooner sallied forth than they beset him with offers of a.s.sistance to ferret out and hang the robbers, who they had not a doubt were the authors of this grave attempt on his life. They also vied with each other in offering him their regrets, which were bestowed with so much apparent sincerity that he was almost moved to tears, and at once set himself down as a man in no want of warm and true-hearted friends. "Verily, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but my courage was not shaken a whit; I just resigned myself, for the soldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, pray Mr.

Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a place do you call that! And if you say it was robbers who played me this dirty trick, why, I am content; but I have a notion that the priests know something about it, and in truth took this method of being rid of me, as well as getting a job at praying me into a better world." The general said this with so much simplicity of manner that the officers were astonished at his self-complacency. As to the host, he replied with becoming gravity, a.s.suring the general that it was no trick of the priests, who were good and holy men, but of the Tutack robbers, who came from a neighboring country, and were much given to carrying off travellers of distinction, for whose ransom they demanded large sums. "If you will but give me the name of this country," interposed one of the officers, "we will sail there with the frigate, and take revenge for this insult offered to our representative; yes, we will blow down every town on the seaboard."

"If there be towns to blow down, the order must come from me, gentlemen. But we will let that matter rest until I get my army,"

rejoined the general, rubbing his eyes, and continuing to disfigure his face by mixing the colors with which they had painted it.

They had now reached the inn when they a.s.sisted him in was.h.i.+ng his face, which they swore the bats had sadly disfigured. They also convinced him that they had been since grey dawn, searching the country round for him, which increased his confidence in their sincerity. And when he was restored to his natural brightness, and felt within himself that his dignity had not received the slightest damage, and indeed that such small misfortunes in no way interfered with his capacity to make great treaties in behalf of his country, the officers escorted him to the house of good father Segong, and then took a final leave of him. Not a word did they lisp concerning what had befallen his secretary.

On entering the house, which he did with a slight misgiving as to the quality of reception he would meet, the priest greeted him warmly, and made known to him the anxiety he had felt at his absence. "For," said he, "prayers were postponed, and breakfast has waited your excellency nearly an hour." Being told that his secretary was in the next room, he immediately repaired thither, and was much concerned to find him in great grief of mind. "If your excellency will but discharge me here, and put me in a way to get the trifle that is due me, that I may not starve while seeking my way home, he shall have my prayers all the rest of his life," spoke the secretary, looking up with so solemn a countenance that no man of heart could have withheld his pity.

"Pray, friend Tickler, what has befallen you?" inquired the general, with an air of astonishment.

"Yes! what has befallen me? That's neither here nor there! If instead of a.s.sisting you in making treaties, going to court, and enjoying ladies of distinction, the functions of a secretary consist in his being the victim of everybody's jokes, and getting trundled about like a Connecticut b.u.mpkin, then I have no love for the office, and am resolved to return to my profession of critic; for I hold it better a man starve to death, than to be killed outright by these tortures." Not satisfied with this explanation, the general demanded that he should proceed. Tickler thereupon gave him an account of what had occurred; saying that when he came to his senses, he found the Indian facing him, with a poised spear; and indeed everything that took place, except the fury exited by his fears, and the manner in which he alternately shouted and prayed until he was released; to all of which the general listened attentively, but lisped not a word concerning his own troubles. In short, it was no difficult matter to see that Mr. Tickler had been harshly dealt with. "Friend Tickler!" exclaimed the general, "being a man of strong understanding, it is not becoming of you to take these trifles so to heart. And you are mistaken if you set it down to those young gentlemen, for I can swear it was done by the Tutack robbers, who were bent on having your money. But remember, that the more fort.i.tude you display during the a.s.saults of your enemies, the better will you be prepared to enjoy the luxuries that are in store for us both. Pray remember what glory there is in being a great diplomatist, which I warrant to make you. As to money, why, your pockets shall be full when we get to Nezub. Drive these trifles from your mind, let your thoughts be on your country, and when the time comes, I will make you a major, for I see you have gallantry!"

"It is well your excellency says that, since no man can say aught against my gallantry. And if it be to put it to this test, then I stick to your excellency, if he go to the devil." They now returned and took breakfast with the priest, receiving his blessing when it was over, and then proceeded to make preparations for the journey.

CHAPTER L.

IN WHICH THE READER WILL FIND THE MOST FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF THE JOURNEY TO NEZUB; AND ALSO WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER WAS PRESENTED TO THE KING.

WHEN it was high noon, the usually quiet town of Buzabub was suddenly thrown into a state of great commotion. Horns were sounded, reeds blown, and bells jingled. In fine, so many and various were the ways in which homage was paid to the departure of the "great amba.s.sador," that it would be impossible to enumerate them in this history.

A messenger now entered the priest's house to announce the readiness of the train; and as his reverence had prepared his saddle-bags and umbrella, and laid in a good stock of provisions, he led the way into the street, followed by the general and his secretary. Here they found the renegades, both clad in loose robes, already mounted on their mules, which displeased the good father, for he was a man of courtesy, and knew what was due to rank. After some debate as to the position old Battle should take, it was agreed that he follow next the palanquin, and be led by a native; and this so delighted the general, that he promised to remember it all the rest of his life. He then took his seat, satisfied with himself and all the rest of mankind. And the priest having mounted his a.s.s, and Mr. Tickler his mule, this wonderful train of cattle, so remarkably mounted, set off under a burning sun, the general in the van, and the priest bringing up the rear, with his broad umbrella spread. As for the provision bearers, they shouldered their packs, and were followed by a tumultuous throng, sounding horns and cheering until they had reached some distance beyond the town.

For seven days they journeyed in this pleasant manner, resting to take refreshments three times a day, pitching their tents at night beneath palm trees, or in mango groves, interspersing ma.s.s and prayers with various amus.e.m.e.nts for the diversion of the general and the priest, who was a good lover of jokes, and indeed had no very high opinion of those of his order who go about with doleful countenances. And when they were halted, the general got of the priest much concerning the differences existing between his order and the renegades, between whom a deadly fued existed, both struggling for an ascendancy in the government. Tickler also found excellent companions in the renegades, with whom he discussed matters of ancestry and books, of which both professed to know much, though truely they were ignorant men, and as great knaves as ever left their own country to pester the authorities of another. They were also curious to learn of Tickler what had brought his master to Kalorama; but on that score he was as ignorant as themselves, though of his master's influence at home he a.s.sured them no man had more.

He also gave them a wonderful account of his many achievements in war.

Thus they journeyed, the simple-minded inhabitants of each village through which they pa.s.sed welcoming them with salutations of joy, paying great reverence to the priest and his a.s.s, and regaling them with fruits and such other refreshments as their humble plantations afforded.

Starting early on the morning of the eighth day, they had proceeded some four miles up a gradually inclining slope, when the City of Nezub appeared in sight, on the brow of a hill, almost buried in a grove of palms, and surrounded by picturesque scenery, over which the clear atmosphere threw a charm not easily described. Clumps of mango, palm, and olive trees gave a beautiful contrast to the softer herbage on the slopes; while the earth seemed teeming with the richest flowers, impregnating the air with their sweet odors.

When they were within a mile of the city, numerous shabby-looking dignitaries, and a great concourse of half-naked people, came out to meet them, and amidst music and rejoicing accompanied them to the city, and indeed, seemed anxious to carry the priest and his a.s.s on their shoulders, though they were inclined to make derision of old Battle's shabby appearance. And now, when the bearers had carried the general to a little cottage, provided for him at the expense of the king, and he was safely lodged in his quarters, the good priest took leave of him with a prayer for his soul, and went to his home feeling that he had rendered all the service required of him. "Upon my soul," said the general, when the priest was gone, "but they would not make all this ceremony if they knew the drift of my mind.

Take notice, Tickler, that they have here a fine country, which is so scurvily governed, that to my mind there would be no harm in taking it away from them."

"Your excellency knows best about that," replied Mr. Tickler, "but the devil take me if I want to share the hanging you might get in playing at that game. Please run your eye over the instructions, and see what they say on that head."

"I see, friend Tickler, that you are not skilled in these matters, for you cannot tell what is in the egg until you break it. And as it is customary with the best of our ministers to look over instead of into their instructions, you will not find me behind any of them, for I intend to astonish with the audacity of my undertakings. Mark that well. And if you have not courage to join me in these things, why, the quicker you get home the better, for I hold that a man of your metal is always best off where his gallantry and such other graces as heaven has blessed him with will attract most adorers."

"Faith of my mother! but your excellency talks queerly. I have not a dollar in my pocket, and you bid me get home over a road lined with robbers" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Now that I am here, and owe a service to the country of my adoption, it shall not be said that I left your excellency, who will see my courage come out when he affords me an opportunity." They now spent three days in close consultation on the precise language necessary in addressing the king at the first audience, which he had signified his readiness, to grant on the morning of the fourth day. The general insisted that it be interpersed with so much latin as to confuse both the king and the interpreter, though both were profound scholars. "I have rare skill in mixing latin, as your excellency knows but you grind it up so in the delivery that neither the king nor the devil can understand a word of it. And as your English is good enough for the best of them, I would advise you to stick to it, since no great military man ever gained anything by dabbling in cla.s.sics." This so touched the chord on which all the general's weaknesses hung that he went right into a rapsody of delight. "I begin to be of your way of thinking, friend Tickler," said he, tossing his head approvingly. "I have speeches enough in my head, and am resolved to make the first that comes to my tongues end."

And now, when the morning on which they were to have an audience with the king was come, the general arrayed himself in his best uniform, not forgetting his three cornered hat and white gloves; and mounting old Battle as Mr. Tickler mounted his mule, they proceeded to the king's palace, a rude building of palm logs, situated in a pretty square, and surrounded by shade trees and cl.u.s.tering vines.

Here they were received with the blowing of horns and jingling of bells; which continued to keep up a deafening sound while they were being conducted into the presence of his majesty, who wore a bright red cloak, and a hat quite resembling that of a Beadle. In complexion his majesty was a shade darker than ebony, and as to figure, he was as stalwarth a sovereign, though perhaps not as clean a one, as could be found in all the kingdoms round about: in short, if his majesty was none of the cleanest, he at least wore a contented air, which is rare with kings. And as he sat on his throne of ingeniously woven palm-leaves, he seemed more intent on viewing his pipes and holding a parley with various priests than listening to the address of the famous representative. Indeed I very much doubt if a wiser king ever lived, for he evinced a happy indifference for anything but his own comfort. A fellow of ponderous belly and face, calling himself Don Perez Goneti, but whose real name was Peletiah Anseeth, a renegade, and as arrant a rascal as ever left Georgia to save his neck, now came forward, and addressing the general, informed him that he was the king's keeper, and lawgiver to the nation. This announcement surprised the general, for the man was dressed in a yellow tunic, with blue tights, and a red ruffle about his neck. In fine, it must be confessed that this Don Perez Goneti bore a much stronger resemblance to an escaped convict, or a street juggler, than to a great lawgiver. A consultation now took place between this great lawgiver and the general, as to whether the speech of the latter would be acceptable to his majesty.

"For," said the lawgiver, "his majesty is no fool." "And if he takes me for one, it will not be wise of him!" replied the general. The lawgiver now presented the general, with uncommon ceremony. And although the king bowed, it was evident he regarded the plenipotentiary with inward suspicion, and would have thanked heaven to be rid of both him and his secretary. The general tugged up his breeches, and with an air of self-complacency truly admirable, spoke as follows, the lawgiver acting as interpreter. "May it please your majesty, to whose gracious consideration I commend myself, I am general Roger Sherman Potter, of whom I make no doubt your majesty has heard enough said. And this gentleman (here he turned to Mr.

Tickler) is my secretary, perhaps not so well known, but, nevertheless, a man of reputation."

The king yawned and inquired of his minister what the queer looking man said.

"He says your majesty is a great potentate, which is true enough.

But he requests that you acknowlege him the greatest living amba.s.sador! Honestly, your majesty, he has great skill as a jester, which I take it is why he was sent here."

"Let him proceed, for if he be a fool, what he says touching our greatness may be turned to profit. Let him proceed, that he prove the wisdom of his government in sending him." The lawgiver now bid the general proceed.

"Here are my credentials," resumed the general, "and if your majesty will run his eye over them, he will see that the president of the United States accredits me minister extraordinary to your majesty's court. That being a proof of his good will, he hopes you will return it with similar testimony. Of the good nature of our president no man can say a word but in praise; and I can swear he entertains a high opinion of your royal person, is earnestly desirous of preserving peace between us, and resolved to respect that comity which should rule among nations so distinguished, and without which neither of us can get along, seeing that we have so many sympathies in common. As for myself, all I have to say is that your majesty will find my conduct so squared as to be acceptable in your eyes, for Heaven is with the peacemakers." Here the general paused as Don Perez Goneti proceeded to the interpretation.

"The man talks so strangely, that may the priests hang me if I know what to make of it. But this I do know: he says many things that would not be pleasing to your majesty's refined ears; such for instance, as that your majesty governs so badly, and has so little knowledge for turning the vast resources of his country to advantage, that the president of the United States seriously contemplates taking the matter in hand, for he knows it would be acceptable to the saints as well as your ill-governed people." At this, his sable majesty went right into a pa.s.sion and so conducted himself, ordering the queer strangers, as he called them, taken into the plaza and hanged, without further ceremony, that General Potter and Mr. Tickler (neither of whom could understand a word he said) set him down for a madman, inquired of the lawgiver what it all meant, and began to have fears for their safety. Indeed the state of confusion that reigned in the audience chamber came well-nigh putting an end to this remarkable mission. "Pray Mr. Lawgiver, what is the matter with the king, for he acts like a man who has lost his understanding?" inquired the general.

"It is only a freak of his; and if you would have the truth of it, I can tell you, that he is berating these vagabond priests, who give him no peace of his life." Don Perez Goneti then turned to the king, and said: "If your majesty will but listen another minute, he may hear something more pleasing, for the amba.s.sador says he has something good in store."