The Etiquette of To-day Part 21

_The Home Wedding_

The home wedding may be made in every way quite as ideal as the church wedding, and is much more simple, its privacy appealing to many. The house will be decorated with flowers in good taste and not too great profusion. Usually a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage is erected at the head of the drawing-room. This should not be too ma.s.sive, as only a special grouping of the flowers is preferable to an arrangement which is too crowded or shaded.

As the guests arrive the mother and sisters of the bride receive them.

The father of the bride does not appear, nor, of course, does the bride, until they enter together. A room is placed at the disposal of the bridegroom, the best man, and the clergyman.

At the stroke of the hour appointed, the clergyman enters and takes his stand facing the company. The bridegroom and best man also enter and stand at the left of the clergyman, the best man somewhat behind.

As in a church wedding, the broad white ribbon is used to mark the aisle. If bouquets are attached to the ends of it, they will hold it in place.

Then from the farthest corner of the room enters the bridal procession, formed as for a church wedding.

At a simple house wedding there are often no attendants, the bride and bridegroom entering the room together, the bride's father having taken his position near at hand, where he can readily respond at the right moment.

Another way of forming the procession, which has all the advantages of the more elaborate one, is for the best man to follow the ushers, then the one bridesmaid to enter immediately preceding the bride and bridegroom.

Music is often dispensed with at a home wedding.

When the ceremony is over the clergyman congratulates the couple and withdraws, and they, turning, face their friends, who then come to wish them happiness.

Whether the wedding take place in the home or at the church, the bridal pageant has only one object in view,--it is wholly for the sake of the bridegroom. Every woman desires to come to her husband in all the glory of her womanhood and of her social position. By all custom the bridegroom does not see his bride upon the wedding day until she approaches him as he stands at the altar. So, with her family doing her the utmost honor that they can, she comes to him, bringing all that she has and is, and placing herself and her future in his care. The coming is just as real, however, though the utmost simplicity prevail.

Back of all the minute detail of wedding custom there is a symbolism.

With the constant elevation of the standards of marriage, this symbolism and these customs grow purer and more in accord with the ideals. Just as it is always taken for granted that a marriage ceremony is uniting loving hearts, so little by little all that is at variance with that thought will drop away, as have already several minor details, and new forms and customs more in harmony with the new ideals take the place of the old. These changes, however, come very gradually, and should not be hastened, but should only keep pace with the new conceptions. Nevertheless, there should not be too tenacious a clinging to the old forms, which expressed lower conceptions, when the masterly thought of the day is forging out higher and purer ideals of marriage.

_The Wedding Breakfast_

The wedding breakfast is the name given to the refreshments which follow the noon wedding. It is usually given when there are but few relatives and intimate friends, because it is an expensive feast if large numbers are invited. It is really a dinner, served in courses, at numerous small tables, each with a complete dinner service. One large table, placed in the center of the room or elsewhere conspicuously, is reserved for the bridal party.

The menu usually consists of "fruit, raw oysters, bouillon, fish or lobster in some fancy form, an entree, birds and salad, ices, cakes, bonbons, and coffee," according to one recognized authority. Or it may be much simpler, and include only oysters or bouillon, sandwiches and salad, ices, cakes, and coffee.

Usually some punch is served in which to pledge the bride and bridegroom. If wine is used, champagne is customary for weddings.

The caterer usually supplies all the necessities for the wedding feast, even to china, linen, silver, candelabra, and flowers, should the bride's parents so wish.

At the wedding reception, after the congratulations and greetings are over, and the breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead the way to the dining-room. Then comes the bride's father with the groom's mother. The bridegroom's father follows with some member of the bride's family, then come the best man and the maid of honor. The ushers and bridesmaids pair off, and other members of the bridal party or of the two families follow in pairs. Lastly, as hostess of the occasion, comes the bride's mother, with the officiating clergyman, or the senior and highest in rank of the clergymen, if there be more than one, as guest of honor.

The rest of the guests, who are not seated at the bridal table, find their seats as they choose, with friends, no place cards being used.

For an afternoon or evening reception the refreshments are served as for any reception. A large table in the dining-room is decorated with flowers and piled with the edibles, which are served by the waiters to the guests as they enter. The variety of food depends wholly upon the resources of the bride's parents and the size and elaborateness of the wedding. Many prefer a simple repast as the hour is unusual for a meal, and a dinner is not to be served.

When the bride and bridegroom enter and are served, the best man proposes a toast to their health and happiness, and all present stand, gla.s.s in hand, and pledge them.

At a wedding breakfast the English custom is to have toasts and speeches, but it is not followed largely in this country. Where it is, usually at a small wedding party, the father of the bridegroom or the best man proposes the health of the bride and bridegroom. The father of the bride responds. Sometimes the bridegroom is called on to respond to this toast, which he does, proposing in turn the health of the bridesmaids. To this the best man responds.

The wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake, which is at its best only when made months in advance and kept in a stone crock well covered.

This is finely frosted and ornamented.

At the close of the wedding breakfast the wedding cake is set before the bride, who cuts the first slice from it. It is then pa.s.sed to the others.

At a large wedding, where no breakfast is served, the wedding cake is usually cut into small pieces and placed in white boxes, which are decorated with the initials of the bride and bridegroom and are tied with white ribbon. These are placed upon a table in the hall near the door and the guests either each take one as he leaves, or one is handed him by a servant.

Sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put away in a tin box and sealed, to be opened by the couple on some future anniversary.

The wedding cake is distinct from the bride's cake, which may be served by the latter at a dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more before the wedding, and in which a thimble, a coin, and a ring are hidden. The superst.i.tion is that the young women who by chance receive the slices containing these are respectively destined for a future of single blessedness, wealth, or domestic bliss.

At a reception the larger number of the guests depart before the bridal couple go to the dining-room. As soon as refreshments are served them, and the toast to them has been drunk, they retire to don suits for traveling. The bridegroom waits for the bride at the foot of the staircase, and the bridesmaids gather there too, as when she comes, she throws her bridal bouquet among them, and the bridesmaid who catches it will be the next bride, according to an old superst.i.tion.

As the outer door is opened to let the couple out, all the friends and relatives present throw flowers or confetti or rice after them, for good luck, and an old white slipper is thrown after the carriage as they drive off. The custom of thus showering the departing couple has been sometimes carried to such an extreme that many refrain from it.

Rice is somewhat dangerous, and confetti is so distinctive as frequently to cause embarra.s.sment when in a public train or station.

Flowers may appropriately be used, and are always at hand in the decorations of the home.

_The Wedding Journey_

The wedding journey is the bride and bridegroom's affair, and the knowledge of it is kept their secret and divulged only to the best man, who probably helps arrange for it, and to the father and mother of the bride, and they all are silent about it. The intrusion of even intimate friends upon such a trip is not considered good form.

The custom of taking a journey at this time is not so rigidly observed as it used to be, many young couples preferring to go direct to their new home, or to a quiet country house for the honeymoon.

The real wishes of the couple should be followed out at this time, because they are now more free from social obligations than they will be later, and a wise start upon married life is of all things most desirable and necessary.

_Wedding Fee_

The fee should be placed in an envelope or purse, and given to the clergyman by the best man or some friend of the bridegroom, just before or just after the ceremony, as may be most convenient. It is sometimes handed to the clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of the ceremony and before the couple turn away from the altar. It should be always given quietly, privately, and with no display or comment.

The clergyman does not examine the fee or comment upon it, other than indicating his acceptance.

The size of the fee is a matter of individual taste. Because it is unostentatiously given, its size is known only to the bridegroom and the clergyman, and to none others unless they wish to tell. There are some people in fas.h.i.+onable circles who employ a minister only at marriages and funerals, and who labor under the impression that they are objects of charity and that by them even the small favor is always thankfully received. No one thing so denotes the degree of real refinement in a man as the fee he offers the clergyman for marrying him. The clergyman is one of the three princ.i.p.als in the marriage ceremony. The great majority of brides desire that their marriage should have the sanction and benediction of the religious body with which they wors.h.i.+p, or which has standing in their community and among their people. At the very least, in the civil marriage, without a third party to represent either church or state a marriage ceremony and therefore a legalized marriage is impossible. The third princ.i.p.al is therefore an important part of the affair. To treat him shabbily in any way denotes no real appreciation of his presence. So it is that the true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome fee to him, if his means permit it, as he is to give to his bride something which shall delight and please her, and which shall symbolize his appreciation of the gift of herself. The bridegroom's offering to the clergyman is indeed the touchstone of his refinement. Wedding fees vary from five to a thousand dollars, the usual amount being twenty-five dollars for the fairly affluent.

_Wedding Presents_

So extreme has become the custom of sending wedding presents that it is perhaps necessary to remind those who really desire to do the correct thing, that a perfunctory service, or gift, or courtesy has no intrinsic value, and the omission of it would often be far more satisfactory than its bestowal.

The usual form of wedding gift is something of use and ornament for the new house. Silver, linen, cut gla.s.s, or china for the dining-room, furniture, rugs, lamps, clocks, vases, books, and pictures, or bric-a-brac for the rest of the house, are all appropriate.

If silver is given, it should not be marked, as the bride may have duplicates and prefer to exchange some pieces for others, or as she may have a special form of engraving which she prefers. The exchange of a gift, however, removes from it the personal thought of the giver, and makes its acceptance more a matter of mercenary than of friendly interest. If, however, such exchange is made at the suggestion or with the approval of the giver, it still remains a personal gift. The indefinite way in which many people choose wedding gifts for their friends, following only the conventional ideas of what is suitable, has taken a great deal of personal interest from the gift at the very first.

The wedding gift should be a real gift in spirit, something expressive of the giver's good wishes, and something which the bride and bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its worth to them. Foolish things, whether expensive or not, have no real utility or beauty, and have always the atmosphere of insult about them, or else always reflect upon the intelligence of the giver.

A bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon as they are received, and before her wedding day if possible. Spontaneous rather than stereotyped notes of thanks are preferable. They should show appreciation of the gift, and include the name of the bridegroom-elect in her expression of their grat.i.tude. A bride should remember that too elaborate notes, which are a grave tax on her strength or time in the busy days preceding a wedding, are unwise, as is any other unnecessary expenditure of energy.

It is never obligatory to send a wedding present. The wedding announcement and wedding invitation are equally suggestive of such gifts, for in either case, whether one is invited to the ceremony or not, one is perfectly free to do as he pleases about conferring a gift.

_The Country Wedding_

There is an especial attractiveness and simplicity about the out-door wedding in the country, for those who desire to get rid of the conventional and artificial. Such a wedding is, of course, a day wedding. The late afternoon might be chosen, but the twilight never.