Mr. Punch's Life in London Part 10

8 A.M.--Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back of the first policeman you meet.

9 A.M.--Breakfast. First taste of London milk and b.u.t.ter. a.n.a.lyse, if not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist.

10 A.M.--To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman.

11 A.M.--Take penny steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time to arrive at Scotland Yard, and inspect the police as they start on their various beats. For any information, inquire of the inspector.

12 P.M.--Hansom cab races. These can be viewed at any hour by standing still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a s.h.i.+lling.

An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the nearest policeman.

1 P.M.--Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park.

Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper.

2 P.M.--Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal Academicians. Note what he says.

3 P.M.--Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and purchase the dummy goods disposed of at an awful sacrifice.

4 P.M.--See the stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium. If nervous at being alone, ask the policeman in waiting to accompany you over the building.

5 P.M.--Find a friend still in town to give you five o'clock tea in her back drawing-room--the front of the house being shut up.

6 P.M.--Back to the park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in Rotten Row (now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom and the two daughters of a riding-master in full procession.

7 P.M.--Wake up the waiters at the Triclinium Restaurant, and persuade them to warm up dinner for your benefit.

8 P.M.--Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the various theatres. Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London actors. You will find it as good as a play.

9 P.M.--A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors.

10 P.M.--Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may be obtained in this way.

11 P.M.--Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "_Poor_ little thing! Is it hurt?"

[_But it was only the week's was.h.i.+ng._

[Ill.u.s.tration: AMENITIES OF THE ROAD.--_Robert._ "Now then, four-wheeler, why couldn't you pull up sooner? Didn't you see me 'old up my 'and?" _Cabby_ (_suavely_). "Well, constable, I _did_ see a kind of shadder pa.s.s acrorst the sky; but my 'orse 'e s.h.i.+ed at your feet!"]

_Q._ WHAT is the best sort of cigar to smoke in a hansom?

_A._ A Cab-ana.

THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.--It must have belonged originally to an omnibus, for it is continually "taking up" and "putting down" people.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Groom_ (_whose master is fully occupied with unmanageable pair which has just run into rear of omnibus_). "Well, anyway, it wasn't the guv'nor's fault."

'_Bus Conductor._ "No--it was _your_ fault, for letting 'im drive!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE WAY WE BUILD NOW."--_Indignant Houseowner_ (_he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your house_).

"Wh' what's the--what am I!--wha' what do you suppose is the meaning of this, Mr. Scampling!"

_Local Builder._ "'T' tut, tut! Well, sir, I 'spects some one's been a-leanin' agin it!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: GETTING HIS ANSWER

_Important Old Gent_ (_from the country, who thinks the lofty bearing of these London barmaids ought to be "taken down a bit"_). "Gla.s.s of ale, young woman; and look sharp, please!"

_Haughty Blonde_ (_blandly_). "Second-cla.s.s refreshments lower down, sir!!"]

THE MEAT MARKET

Legs were freely walked off, and there was a pressure on ribs owing to the rush of beggars; but knuckles came down, while calves'-heads were looking-up steadily. At Smithfield, there was a rush of bulls, but the transactions were of such a hazardous nature as to appear more like a toss-up than firm business. Any kind of security was resorted to, and the bulls having driven a well-known speculator into a corner, he was glad to get out as he could, though an attempt was made to pin him to his position.

Pigs went on much at the old rates; and briskness could not be obtained, though the _coupons_ were freely offered.

The weather having been favourable to slaughtering, calves have not been brought to the pen--but there is something doing in beef, for the "_Last of the Barons_" is advertised.

THE ORIGINAL CAB RADIUS.--A spoke of Phoebus's chariot-wheel.

MOTTO FOR THE L.G.O.C.--_Bus_ in urbe.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENt.i.tY