The Theater (1720) Part 2

I cannot better conclude the Triumph of this Promise, than by the Speech, in which _Adam_ expresses his Joy and Wonder at these glad Tidings.

_'O Goodness infinite! Goodness immense, That all this Good of Evil shall produce, And Evil turn to Good; more wonderful Than that, which by Creation first brought forth Light out of Darkness! Full of doubt I stand, Whether I should repent me now of Sin By me done and committed, or rejoice Much more, that much more Good thereof shall spring._

Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertis.e.m.e.nts and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.

Numb. XX.

THE

THEATRE.

By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.

_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Sat.u.r.day.

Price Two-pence.

_Tristius baud illis monstrum, nec saevior ulla Pestis, & ira Deum_, Stygiis _sese extulit oris._

Virg.

Sat.u.r.day, _April 23. 1720._

It is very odd to consider, yet very frequently to be remark'd, that tho'

we have all so many Pa.s.sions and Appet.i.tes pus.h.i.+ng for the Government of us, and every one of us has a Portion of Reason, that, if permitted, would regulate our Conduct: yet we are obstinate not to be directed by that Reason, and give the Rein and Regulation of our Actions over to the Pa.s.sions and Appet.i.tes of other People. This is putting our selves upon the Foot of _Epicurus's_ Deities, who were too indolent to look after the World themselves, and left the Task of Providence to Chance and Second Causes.

I grant, it is very necessary that our Misconduct should be a.s.sisted, and set right by wiser Judgment; but the Danger is, and especially among the Female s.e.x, into what Hands this Power of Direction is committed. The Trust of Friends.h.i.+p is so often betrayed, and the Duty of the Office postponed to private Interest, that it is a Question whether we are not safer, while we give a Loose to our own extravagant Excursions. The Inst.i.tution of _Douegnas_, or Governesses in _Spain_, we do not doubt, was a Design well befitting the Caution of that wise and reserved Nation; but the Corruption of the Persons intrusted, soon brought them into so much Disreputation, that they became the Objects of hatred and Scandal.

Don _Francisco de Quevedo_, in his general Satires, has set these Vermin in such a Light, as gives a shrewd Suspicion of their having been mischievous in his own Family. He dreams that he is got within the Confines of Death, and, among the other visionary Figures presented, he is encountred by an old _Governante_. _How's this_! says he, in a great Amazement, _Have ye any of those Cattle in this Country? Let the Inhabitants pray heartily for Peace then; and all little enough to keep them quiet_. In short, he makes the old Gentlewoman acquaint him, that she had been Eight Hundred Years in h.e.l.l, upon a Design to erect an Order of the _Governantes_; but the Right Wors.h.i.+pful _Satanic_ Commissioners were not as yet come to any Resolution upon the Point: For, they said, if your _Governantes_ should come once to settle there, there would be no Occasion for any other Tormentors, and the Devils themselves would be but so many _Jacks out of Office_. _I have been_, says she, _too in_ Purgatory _upon the same Project, but there so soon as ever they set Eyes upon me, all the Souls cried out unanimously_, Libera nos, Domine. _And as for_ Heaven, _That's no Place for Quarrels, Slanders, Disquiets, Heart-burnings, and consequently none for_ Me.

These are the _Douegna's_ which the Suspicions of the _Spaniards_ at first intended as Spies upon the Conduct of their Wives and Daughters. We have a Species of _Governantes_ among us in _England_, who being admitted into a Familiarity in Families, by Policy improve it into Friends.h.i.+p: this Friends.h.i.+p lets them into a Degree of Trust, which they are diligent to turn into the best Advantage; and having always little servile Ends of their own to obtain, their surest Step is to sow Dissention, and strengthen their own Interest, by alienating the Affections of the Wife from her Husband; whose _Bread_ they are eating at the same Time, that they are undermining his _Quiet_ in the nearest Concerns of Life.

Making a Visit the other Day to my Friend _Gellius_, who happened to be abroad, I found the Partner of his Bosom _Clarissa_, and her eternal Companion _Drusilla_, all in Tears. I was not received with that open Familiarity, which was used to be shewn me; and I observed something in them of that kind of Reserve, which is common with People who are under some great Affliction. I at first apprehended, that some fatal Accident had happen'd to the Person or Circ.u.mstances of my Friend; but, upon Inquiry, I was set easy as to these Fears, tho' they would give me no Hint, by which I might guess at the Cause of their Disquietude. Finding them in a Disposition so unapt for Mirth, I took my Leave; judging, it could be no worse than some little domestick Misunderstanding, occasion'd, perhaps, by a disagreeable Command on the Side of the Husband, or some Contradiction on the Side of the Wife. But my Man, who is very intimate with all the Servants, has since let me into the Secret. It seems, there is a strange Union of Souls between these two Ladies; from what Affinity of Disposition, or mysterious Impulse, is a Secret only known to Nature and themselves.

They love and hate alike; their Sympathies and Antipathies are the same; and all Joys are tasteless to the One, without the Company and Partic.i.p.ation of the Other. Their Affection is of that tender, that delicate Nature, that the smallest Jealousie, the least Unkindness blasts it. It happen'd one Day, that _Clarissa_ was more than commonly civil to her Husband: There was something past between them, that look'd like Fondness, and this in the Presence of _Drusilla_: Who can express the Pa.s.sions that struggled in the Female Rival's Soul? Despair, Rage, Jealousie, and Anguish at once possess'd her; and it was now Time to retire to Sleep; the Lady with her Husband withdrew to Bed, and the jealous Friend likewise committed her self to her Pillow, tho' not to Rest. Her Soul was busied with the bitter Reflexion of what had past, and what further Endearments might be practis'd. Unable to compose her self, she resolves to rise, and pretends Sickness: _Clarissa_ is disturbed from the Embraces of her Husband; nor is suffer'd to go back to the Bed of Wedlock, till she has promis'd her disgusted Friend, by a forc'd Indifference to restrain the Liberties of the inamour'd _Gellius_.

The learned Times, I find, were not unacquainted with these _Female Intimacies_: And by the Names they affix'd to the Persons practising them, which I shall forbear to mention, 'tis plain they put none of the best Constructions on their Familiarities.

_Plato_, I remember, offers at a Reason in Nature for such Conversations.

He tells us, that at first Mankind were made with _Two_ Heads, _Four_ Arms, _Four_ Legs, and so every Way double: that of these, there were _three_ Sorts; some, double Men; some, double Women; and some Hermaphrodites.

_Jupiter_, upon an Offence committed, split them all into _Two's_; from whence arises in Mankind that Desire of a Companion, as his other half to perfect his Being. The Consequence of this Division was, that they, who in their original State were _double Men_, are still fond of the _Ganymede's_ with smooth Chins; and they, who were at first _double Women_, are at this Day enamoured of their own s.e.x, and _Platonicks_ as to any Commerce with Ours.

I have heard so much to the Disadvantage of these _Inamorata's_, that I consider a Man, who is link'd to such a Wife, in the State of the _Lover_ and his _Two Mistresses_ in the _Fable_. The one, who was a little turned in Years, pulled out all his _black_ Hairs, to make him look nearer to her Standing: and the other, who was in her Bloom, pick'd out all the _grey_ ones, that the World might not suspect she had an Old Man; 'till between them, they made him as bald as Father _Time_ himself.

I shall conclude with the Story of an unfortunate Gentleman, who had suffer'd heavily in this Way, and went abroad to avoid his Slavery. As he was travelling from _Madrid_ to _Valladolid_, he found himself belated, and wanted to take up his Night's Quarters in some middle Place. He was informed, the nearest Way would bring him to a small Village, call'd _Douegnas_; which with us would be the Village of _Governesses_. _But is there no other Place_, said he, _within some reasonable Distance, either short of, or beyond it_? They told him, No, unless it were at a _Gallows_.

_Nay, there shall be my Quarters then_, said he, _I am resolved; for a Thousand_ Gibbets _are not so bad to me as One_ Douegna.

Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertis.e.m.e.nts and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.

Numb. XXI.

THE

THEATRE.

By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.

_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Sat.u.r.day.

Price Two-pence.

[Greek: Kronides phrenas exeleto Zeus].

Homer.

Tuesday, _April 26. 1720._

The Writer who attempts either to divert, or instruct the Town, has, perhaps, a worse Chance of succeeding now, than in any Age before. The Conversation of the World is changed, Gaiety and Mirth are banished from Society, and the buisy Affair of Avarice has taken up the Thoughts of every Company; if a Man in a Coffee-House takes up a _News-Paper_, the first Thing he turns to is the Price of the _Stocks_; if he looks over the _Advertis.e.m.e.nts_, it is in Quest of some new _Project_; when he has finished his Enquiry, and mixes in Conversation, you hear him expatiate upon the Advantage of some favourite Project, or curse his Stars for missing the lucky Moment of buying as he intended at the Rise of the South-Sea. Another complains of the Roguery of some Broker or Director, whom he intrusted; this I have heard canva.s.s'd over and over, with so many Aggravations of Meanness and Knavery against each other, that, I confess, I shall never see a poor Malefactor go to suffer Death for robbing another of ten Pounds upon the High-Way, but I shall look with Compa.s.sion on his Condition, and perhaps reflect secretly upon the Partiality of publick Justice. I know so many little infamous Frauds, so many Breaches of Honour, and Friends.h.i.+p, in the Conduct of these Persons, that I should think it a Piece of Justice to expose them, could I imagine it would bring them to Shame or Amendment; but I shall leave them to work their Way to _Wealth_ and _Contempt_, which I presume they will be very well contented with; nor envy any Man the Merit of his Poverty and good Nature. But I cannot forbear admiring the Nature of Projects, and by what furious Impulse Mankind is carried into them: No Person asks the Question, whether they be for the Good of the Nation; for, it seems to me, that no Man cares, provided he gets by them himself.

We use our Country like our Step-Mother, we have no natural Affection for her, we are Foreigners to her Blood, and when we have sucked her dry, we make no Returns of Grat.i.tude in her Necessities, but turn her loose to s.h.i.+ft for her self; I think this the Case, if you consider the Condition of a rising Project, which every Man that's concerned in, intends to get out of, and declares he will not trust too long.

I have very little Capacity, or Inclination, to argue upon this Subject; and being a little indolent withal, I shall take the Liberty of entertaining to Day with a Story, that lies ready at my elbow; and which I declare before-hand, has no significant Meaning in it, that I know of: If the Sagacity of my Readers can make more of it than my self, in G.o.d's Name, let them please themselves with the Application.

There is a small _Island_ on the Coast of _Denmark_, in which there are five Towns; the Lord of this Place was very poor, rather because he coveted much, than that he wanted any Thing. G.o.d has afflicted the Inhabitants with a general Inclination in them all to be _Projectors_, so that the Land seemed to be infested with as many Monsters as there were Men: So prodigious was the natural p.r.o.neness to projecting in that Country, that the very sucking Babes cried out _Project_, before they could say _Papa_ or _Mamma_; the whole island was a confused Chaos, for Man and Wife, Father and Son, Neighbour and Neighbor, were ever jangling about their Projects, and they were as intoxicated with them as if they had been drunk with Wine.

The Lord of this Place ordered a general Examination of all _Projects_.

Legions of _Projectors_ a.s.sembled before his Palace with Skrips and Scrolls of Paper stuck in their Girdles, run through their b.u.t.ton-holes, and peeping through their Pockets. The Lord having made known his Wants, demanded their a.s.sistance; and they all at once laying hold of their Papers, and crowding till they had almost stifled one another, in an Instant heap'd up four Tables with their Memoirs. The first Paper he cast his Eyes on was, _How to raise an unmeasurable Treasure by Subscription of all that Men are worth, and yet inrich them by taking it away. The first Part_, quoth the Lord, _of taking from all Men, I like; but as to the second, which is to inrich them by taking it away, I am dubious of, yet let them look to that_. He looked over a Mult.i.tude of others. In the mean Time the Projectors quarrelled, each approving his own Scheme, and condemning the rest; and they grew so Scurrilous, they called one another _Sons of Projectors_ instead of _Sons of Wh.o.r.es_. The Lord commanded Peace, and being tempted with their Offers, receiv'd and allow'd several of their Proposals: Whereupon they all swore they would stand by him in all Extremities. A few Days after, the Lord's Servants came out, and cried the Palace was on Fire in three several Places, and the Wind blew high. The Lord was in a great Consternation; the Projectors gathered about him, bid him sit still, and be easy, and they would set all to Rights in a Moment; Upon which they fell to Work, and laid their Hands on all they found in the House, casting every Thing of Value out at the Windows; others with Sledges threw down a Tower; others cried the Fire would cease, as soon as it had Vent, and fell to unroofing the House; and so destroy'd the whole Structure they were called to save. None endeavoured to extinguish the Fire; they were all busy in confounding every Thing they could grasp. At length the Smoak decreased, and the Lord, going out, perceived that the common People had master'd the Fire, while the Projectors had demolished his Palace, and destroyed his Furniture: Incens'd and raging at this Sight, he cried out, _Rogues, you are worse than the Fire, and so are all your Projects; it were better I had been burnt, than to have given Ear to your destructive Counsels. You overturn a whole House, least a Corner of it should fall; you feed a Prince with his own Limbs, and pretend to maintain him, when he is devouring himself. Villains, justly did the Fire come to burn me, for suffering you to live; but, when it perceived me in the Power of Projectors, it ceased, concluding I was already consumed. Fire is the most merciful of Projectors, for Water quenches it; but you increase in spight of all the Elements_. Princes may be poor; but when they once have to do with Projectors, they cease to be Princes, to avoid being poor.

Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertis.e.m.e.nts and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.

Numb. XXII

THE