The Theater (1720) Part 3

THEATRE.

By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.

_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Sat.u.r.day.

Price Two-pence.

_Quos_ Jupiter _vult perdere, dementat prius._

Sat.u.r.day, _April 30. 1720._

It is common with Authors of my Rank to give themselves Airs of Consequence, when they a.s.sume a Right of correcting, or reforming, the Vices, or Follies of the Age. The late Sir _John Edgar_, of obscure Memory, pretended to define a Sort of Men whom he called _wrong-headed_, and has told two or three Stories by Way of Examples, from whence he wou'd have you think, that a Slip of Memory, is an Error in Judgment; as you may see in his Instance of the Foot Soldier, who robbed the Gentleman, and forgetting that he had put the Things into his own Pockets, afterwards changed Coats with the Gentleman, and by that Means put him again in Possession of whatever he before had robbed him. Without any Malice to Sir _John's_ Remaines, I shall beg Leave to observe, that the Term _wrong-headed_ more properly belongs to him, who has an ill Turn of thinking, and judging, than to him who commits a careless Oversight, which is common to Men of the best Parts. My Reason for introducing this, is, from some Reflections that I have made on the Subject of my last Paper; by which it appears to me that there are Mult.i.tudes of this Sort of People in the World, pursuing Fortune in a very giddy Way. I suppose it will be thought ridiculous, to call him _wrong-headed_, who by any Artifice shall improve his Estate; yet when the Misfortunes of others, and those by much the greater Number, and a Decay of Trade are put in Ballance against that Artifice, I doubt this Charge must be somewhere, tho' I am not cunning enough to tell where. As I see but little Company, and retire for my Ease and the Improvement of my Studies; I was deeply ingaged in Thought the other Night upon this Topick, and in made such a strong Impression upon me, that it produced a very odd Dream. As it is the Weakness of Women, and old Men, to be fond of telling their Dreams to their Friends, I hope my Readers will excuse me this Infirmity of my Age.

Methought, I saw a Lady of a middle Age, large Stature, and in the Fulness of her Beauty, stand before me, magnificently dress'd; I had not Leisure to peruse her, before she began to walk about, skip and dance, and used so many odd Gestures, that she appeared to me little better than mad. I had the Curiosity to approach, to observe what she might be, when upon contemplating her Features, her Dress, and her Air, I fancied, I had seen her exact Likeness in several Maps and Drawings in _Metzo-Tinto_, where her Form was made use of to express _Britannia_. This gave me a Tenderness and Compa.s.sion for her Condition; I ask'd her many Questions, by her Replies to which I perceived her Head was a little turned, and her Notions of Things extravagant. She owned, she had forsaken all those ingenious and industrious Arts, which she had practised long to the Wonder of her Neighbours, with the Reputation of a discreet and vertuous Matron, and now was resolved to turn _Rope-Dancer_. This was no sooner said, but she falls to work, to setting up her Tackle with proper Supporters; and to my very great Astonishment fixed one End of her Rope in _France_, and t'other in _Holland_. The Inhabitants of these Countries flock'd to behold her, watching and wis.h.i.+ng for her Fall, and every one ready to receive her; she tottered strangely, and seemed ready to come down every Minute; upon which those below stretch'd out their Hands in Order to pull her down, and shewed Joy, and Disappointment, in their Looks alternately, as often as she stumbled or recovered. She begg'd for a Pole to poise her, but no body wou'd lend her one; and looked about in vain for help. There appeared at some Distance a Man in a broad Hat, and short Cloak, with a swarthy Complexion, and black Whiskers, who seemed altogether unconcern'd at what shou'd happen; to her in her Frights she gave him many a Look, as if she silently begg'd his a.s.sistance, but whether she had done him any Injury, or that her Pride would not suffer her to turn Pet.i.tioner, she seemed ashamed to call to him for Help. Thus she went on tottering, 'till she tore all her Garments, so that her Robes appeared like the ragged Colours in _Westminster-Hall_; at length seeing her Danger, he reached her out a Pole, and then she shewed a tolerable Skill and Agility; which the People perceiving, who were towards France, they resolved to let go the Rope that she might slip down to their Side, and this gave me such Pain for her Safety, that I waked with a Start of Consternation.

Tho' there was nothing in this but a Dream, it cannot be imagined how concerned I was, that it did not last till I could be satisfied whether she fell, or no. I was grave for at least an Hour after, and reflected on the Policy of those, who forsake a safe and profitable Path, for vain and dangerous Flights; I fancied my self a Politician too, and imagined I knew what a Nation of _Projectors_ must bring their Country to. I shall here make a Digression, without giving any Reason for it; for since I am not bound to the Unities of Time, and Place, as we are in Poetry, I stand in no Awe of the peevish Criticks.

Three _French_ Men were travelling into _Spain_, over the Mountains of _Biscay_: One of them trundled before him a _Wheelbarrow_, with Implements for grinding _Knives_ and _Scissors_; another carried a Load of _Mouse-Traps_ and _Bellows_; and the third had a Box of Combs and _Pins_. A poor _Spaniard_, who was travelling into _France_ on Foot, with his Cloak on his Shoulder, met them half Way on the Ascent of a craggy Hill. They sate down to rest in the Shade, and began to confer Notes. They asked the _Spaniard_, whither he was going? He replied, into _France_. What to do?

says one of the _Frenchmen_: To seek my Fortune, replies the _Spaniard_: He was asked again, what Trade he was of? He answered, of no Trade at all: of late, says he, we _Spaniards_ have been bred to no Trades; but those of us that are poor, and honest, either beg or borrow; those, that are not, rob or cheat, as they do in other Countries. How did you live in your own Country? says one of the _Frenchmen_. Oh! says the _Spaniard_, very well for a while; I had a great many thousand Pistoles left me by my Ancestors.

What have you done with them? says one of the _Frenchmen_: I put them into a _Policy_, says the _Spaniard_, where I was to have a great Interest for them. And what became of that Policy? says one of the _Frenchmen_. The _Spaniard_ replied, that at first the Interest was paid, and then Things went merrily enough; but that in a little Time the Body _Politick_ became _Bankrupt_, and paid neither Princ.i.p.al nor Interest. And did all the Adventurers lose their Money? says one of the _Frenchmen_. All, replies the _Spaniard_, except those that were concerned in the Management: and is Money plenty in _Spain_ now? says one of the _Frenchmen_. Never so scarce, answers the _Spaniard_; for all Degrees of Men, all Artificers, and Mechanicks left off their Trades, and put their Effects into this Policy, that they might live at their Ease; and now they're all ruined; and of all the immense Sums that were put into this d.a.m.ned Policy, there is not the hundredth Part to be found, and that is in the Hands of those few that cheated the rest; but whether it be sunk again into the Bowels of the Earth, or where it is gone, we cannot tell. At this one of the _French_ Men smiled, and told the _Spaniard_, he could let him into the Secret; _while your Nation was in Pursuit of this imaginary Mountain of Gold_, says he, _and all your People neglected their Employments; we, with such Trumpery as these, have drawn away the Wealth of your_ Indian _Mines; we sell our Ware in your Country, and carry your Money back to our own; By which Means we inrich our own Country, and impoverish yours: Of all the Treasures that come into_ Spain, _you enjoy only the Name; for while you are busy in Chimera's, our Industry drains all the Treasure from you; and take this with you, that_ all Projects must end like the Searches for the Philosopher's Stone, that is, in Smoke, where the _Interest_ is paid out of the _Princ.i.p.al Stock_, and is not supported by any industrious _Traffick_.

Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertis.e.m.e.nts and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.

Numb. XXIII

THE

THEATRE.

By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.

_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Sat.u.r.day.

Price Two-pence.

_Est genus hominum, qui esse primos se omnium rerum volunt, Nec sunt:--_

Ter.

Tuesday, _May 3. 1720._

I find by a long Conversation with the World, and from Remarks I have made on different Times and s.e.xes, that there is a Desire, or rather an Ambition, implanted in all humane Creatures of being thought agreeable; but 'tis no unpleasant Study to observe what different Methods are taken of obtaining this one universal End. The Ladies seem to have laid it up as a Maxim on their Side, that their Beauty is to be the greatest Merit; for which Reason no Art, or Industry, is wanting to cultivate that Jewel; and there is so great an Adoration paid to it by all Mankind, that 'tis no Wonder they should neglect the Qualifications of the Mind, Things merely speculative, for those Graces and Ornaments which command Respect, and whose Dominion is owned as soon as seen. Upon the Foot of this Observation, some of our s.e.x, who are of the Order of the _Beau Garcons_, being equal to the Ladies in their Understandings, employ all their Care and Capacity in decorating the Outside; and have a Notion that he's the most ingenious Man, who makes the cleanest Figure, and is best dress'd for the a.s.sembly or Drawing-Room. Among these pretty Triflers, a good Embroidery on their Clothes, or a Sword Knot of a new Invention, raises more Emulation than a Piece of new Wit does among the bad Poets; in their View of Things, a Man of Sense is a very insignificant Creature; and if, with the _Eclat_ of their Dress, or Equipage, they can draw the Eyes of the Vulgar, they are in That arrived at the Top of their Glory; since all they wish for is to be taken Notice of.

There is another Order of _fine Gentlemen_ among Us, who study other Accomplishments than That of Dress, by which they labour to recommend themselves to Company. The prevailing Artifice of their Conduct is, in every Stage of Action, to appear Great, and insinuate themselves to be thought the _Favourites_ only of the _Great_. These nice Oeconomists, being equipped with one Thread-bare Suit, a _German_ Wig, guilty of few or no Curls, and happy in a single Change of Linnen, seem to despise all superfluous Ornaments of Garniture, and have no Time on their Hands, but what is spent in devising how to get rid, as they would have you suppose, of a Mult.i.tude of Engagements. There is a certain veteran Beau of my Acquaintance, who is highly caressed upon the Credit of his Intimacy with Persons of Quality whom he never spoke to; he has a Knot of vain young Fellows attendant upon him, whom he is to introduce into great Company; and he has dropt some Hints, as if he would use his Interest to recommend some of them to Employments at Court. These are, for the most part, young Men stept into suddain great Fortunes, whose Rank and Conversation being at a such a Distance from t.i.tle, they fancy that Men of Quality are not made of the same Materials with other Men. This industrious merry old Gentleman has a peculiar Happiness in telling, and making, a Story; and, in the winding up or Catastrophe of it, never fails to surprize and please you, therefore he diverts, as well as amuses his Company. It is to these Talents that he chiefly owes his Subsistance, for he is very little beholding to Fortune, or his Family. I am pleased to hear him relate the Adventures, that his very good Friend King _Charles_ the _Second_ and He have met with together; the Sword he wears (which, it must be confessed, looks something _antique_) was given to him on the Day of the Battle at _Worcester_ by that Monarch.

This Weapon being reverenced by the Youths his Followers, one of them sollicited hard to purchase it. For ten Guineas, and to oblige a Friend, our Humorist was prevailed upon to part with it. Next Day he purchas'd exactly such another Peice of Antiquity for _Eighteen Pence_ in _Monmouth_ Street, and has been so obliging, from Time to Time, to sell at least ten of these Weapons to young Fellows well affected to the Royal Family, and all presented to him by the same Monarch with whom he was so conversant.

The Furniture of his Apartment is not very costly, as may be judged by his Circ.u.mstances; a Gentleman visiting him one Morning, sat down upon a Stool, which being decrepit and crazy, he was apprehensive of a Fall; and therefore throwing it aside with so much Negligence that its whole Frame had like to have been dissolved, the old Gentleman begged him to use it with more Respect, for he valued it above all he was worth beside, it being made out of a Piece of the _Royal Oak_. His Visitant, who was a Man of Fortune, immediately had a Desire to be in Possession of such a Treasure: Over a Bottle he let him know his Inclination, and the good-natur'd old Gentleman, who could refuse nothing to so dear a Friend, was prevailed upon to accept of a _Gold Watch_ in Exchange for his _Stool_. It was immediately sent down to the Mansion-house in the Country, where it is to be seen finely incased, and is shewn to all Strangers as the most valuable Rarity of the Family. _Tom Varnish_, who is a Pupil of our old Humourists, is a good Proficient in his Way of Conversation: Whenever you see him, he's just come from visiting some great Person of Quality. If a Game at _Hombre_ be proposed, and you are settling your Way of Play, he says, _We never play it so at the Dutchess's_. If you ask him to take a Gla.s.s of Wine at a Tavern with you, he is always engaged in a _Parti quarre_; and then he speaks all the _French_ he is Master of. If he has an Amour, it is with a Woman of Quality. He sits in the Side Box the first Act of the Play, and stays no longer, for some Reasons best known to himself. It happened once, that a Person sat next to him, who, by his Star and Garter, he knew to be of the first Rank: _Tom_, seeing some of his Acquaintance in the middle Gallery, thought it would be for his Reputation to be seen to talk with this Gentleman; therefore, observing when the Eyes of his Acquaintance were upon him, he drew his Lips near my Lord's Ear, and asked him _what a Clock it was_; my Lord answered him; then _Tom_ look'd up again, and smiled; and when he talked with his Friends next, told them, that his Lords.h.i.+p had informed him of some Changes designed at Court, not yet made publick; and therefore they must pardon him if he did not communicate. He did not come off so well upon another Occasion; for having boasted of a great Intimacy with a certain Foreign Minister, _Tom_ was asked by some Gentlemen to go one Evening to his a.s.sembly: He willingly accepted the Party, thinking by their Means to get Admittance: They, on the contrary, expected to be introduced by him; when they came into his Excellency's House, the Porter, who had dress'd himself in his great Coat, which was richly laced, and having a good Wig, well powder'd, was coming down to take his Post; _Tom_ seeing the Richness of the Habit, fancied it was a Robe worn by Foreigners, mistook the _Porter_ for the Emba.s.sador, and, making several low Bows, began to address him with, _May it please your Excellency_. The Fellow answered, Sir, if you'd speak with my Lord, I'll call one of his Gentlemen to you; this raised a Laugh against him by his Companions, and _Tom_ walked off defeated in his Vanity, tho' he would fain have laid the Mistake on a sudden Absence of Thought, and a.s.serted, that he had frequently conversed with the Amba.s.sador.

My old Friend, the Humourist, who is liberal of Talk in his Wine, I must confess, sometimes lets his Vain-Glory bring his Discourse under some Suspitions; especially, when upon the Strain of his Intimacy with King _Charles_. He tells how that Prince, seeing him one Morning in the Park, obliged him to take a Breakfast with him at _Whitehall_: As soon as they were got into the Lodgings, the King called for _Kate_, meaning the Queen, made her salute his Friend, and asked her how she could entertain them. The Queen, he says, seeing a Stranger, made some little Hesitations: But at last, _My Dear_, says she, _we have nothing but a Rib of cold Beef at present, for yesterday, you know, was Was.h.i.+ng-Day_. In short, he tells this Story with so much Gravity, that you must either consent to believe it, or be obliged to fight him, for suspecting the Truth of it.

Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertis.e.m.e.nts and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.

Numb. XXIV

THE

THEATRE.

By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.

_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Sat.u.r.day.

Price Two-pence.

_Hic est quem quaeris, ille quem requiris_, Tota _notus in_ Urbe.

Mart.

Sat.u.r.day, _May 7. 1720._

I have more than once declar'd, that, as I set up for a publick Spirit, and am for countenancing every Thing which may give either Profit or Delight to my Countrymen, no Essay, tending to the Improvement of any Art or Science, shall want my Approbation or Encouragement. This may seem a very inconsiderable a.s.sistance from a Person, whose Fortune, and Figure in Life, have not made him Great enough to be a profitable Patron to the Ingenious: But I have found, in many Instances, that the Approbation of a _grave_ Man, and such I am esteemed, has some Weight with the _Many_; since, it is observ'd, that, in Works of Learning, not Half of Mankind judge for themselves, and of Those who do, we may presume to say, that at least Half judge amiss.

It is a trite Observation, but not unserviceable in Life, that _a Man had as good be out of the World, as out of the Fas.h.i.+on_. This lays me under an Obligation and Necessity of looking out for every Thing _new_, that starts into the Publick. The Papers, which are mighty Helps to Intelligence of this Kind, have been big with advertising the History of the _Life_ and _Adventures_ of Mr. _Duncan Campbell_: And finding, by the Information of these Diurnal Oracles, that his Majesty _has received it very graciously_, I was induced to subscribe for this _remarkable_ Treatise. I must confess, I think it a Work of immense Erudition, full of curious Disquisitions into speculative Philosophy, comprehending a large Fund of Philological Learning, and furnished with some Remarks, that have escaped the Pens of former Authors, who have writ in any Faculty whatsoever.

Man's Life is so short, it has been the settled Opinion of the Wise, that this Prosecution of any single Subject would be sufficient to take up all his Time. For this Reason, and especially in the Summer Season, when I make s.h.i.+ft to retire from this Metropolis of Noise and Business, I contract my Speculations and Studies under one Head. To this End my great Care is, to collect a small Parcel of useful Books, that may all contribute to one and the same Purpose. As my Pleasure lies chiefly in searching after Truth, and Authors, whose Aim is to inform the Mind, or reform the Morals, I have determined carefully to peruse once more these _Memoirs_, relating to the celebrated Mr. _Campbell_. They are penn'd with a particular Air of Sincerity, and such a strict Regard to Truth and Matter of Fact, that they seem a Copy, in this Point, from _Lucian's true History_. I have therefore, to satisfy my Readers of the Judgment which I make of Books, concluded to accompany my Reflections over this Author, with reading, at proper Intervals, the Surprizing Adventures of _Robinson Crusoe_, the Travels of _Aaron Hill_ Esq., into _Turkey_, the History of the _Empires_ in the _Sun_ and _Moon Worlds_, _Psalmonaazar's_ History of the Island of _Formosa_, and, that great Promoter of Christien Piety, the _Tale of a Tub_.

As I have taken upon me to animadvert upon this Treatise, containing the Adventures and profound Skill of Mr. _Campbell_, I shall continue to do it with the Impartiality of a true Critick. I have allowed the Author's Excellencies, and am therefore at Liberty to observe upon his Errors. He tells us, that _Lapland_ receives its Name from the _Finland_ Word _Lapp_, that is _Exiles_, and from the _Swedish_ Word _Lap_, signifying _Banished_.

I am very loath my Countrymen should be deceived in such Matters of Language: And therefore I think my self obliged to let them know, that this Region derives its Name from the _Lappi_ or _Lappones_, the original Inhabitants of it, who were People of a rude and blockish Behaviour: The Word _Lappon_, being equivalent to _barbarous_, and _ignorant_, without the Knowledge of _Arts_ or _Letters_: And hence it comes, that this Clime has been ever so proper for the Reception of _Witches_, and Propagation of the _Conjuring_ Trade.

There is likewise one Circ.u.mstance, that, I own, a little shocks my Belief, in Relation to a young Lady, who, he says, was _bewitch'd_: nor do I think told it with that clean Regard to the Lady's Character, which Occurrences of this Nature require. He says, she was in as bad a Condition, as He who was possessed with a _whole Legion of Devils_: (An Account, which must of course alarm her Lovers, and may, possibly, prevent her of good Match.) When he has related the miraculous Cure made upon Her, by Mr. _Campbell's_ taking her up into his _Bed-chamber_, he adds, that she stood upright, drank a Gla.s.s of Wine, and evacuated a great deal of Wind. This Charge of Immodesty upon a young Lady unmarried, is what I can by no Means allow: nor does the _uncleanly_ Term become the Pen of a _chast_ and _polite_ Writer.

But the Lady shall be vindicated from this Aspersion; for if you consult all Authors, both Ancient and Modern, no _Virgin_ was ever thought capable of such an _Indecency_. Nor can I forbear condemning his Want of Judgment, in refering you to the Lady for the Truth of this: since it is putting his Reputation upon a Circ.u.mstance, which is not consistent with her Modesty to admit.

There is another Pa.s.sage in his Book of singular Mystery: he is pleased to observe that Things are sometimes foretold by _smelling_, and That by Persons who are endued with a _Second-Sight_. This smelling of Futurity would be of notable Use to Statesmen: which brings to my Mind, that somewhere in an Old Play, the Politician cries, _I smell a Plot_. The Vulgar too have an Expression, when they speak of a Man they don't like, of _smelling the Rogue_, and _smelling him out_. These Phrases, no doubt, had their Original from this Kind of Prediction; and the terms remain, tho' the Gift be in great Part lost among Men. If this Gentleman could again teach the Learned to arrive at it, it would be attended with its Inconveniences, as well as Benefits; for we should have our _Politicians_ running their Noses into every private Circ.u.mstance of Life, and a _Set of State Beagles_ ever upon the Scent for new Treasons and Conspiracies: on the contrary, this Advantage might be derived, that an Invasion, which was never intended, seen, or heard of, might be _smelt out_ by their _unerring Sagacity_.

Our Author proceeds to observe that Children, _Horses_, and _Cows_, have the _Second Sight_ as well as Men and Women; yet at the same Time takes no Notice of _Hogs_, whom a great Part of the World have allowed to be gifted with Second Sight, and to be able to foretel Storms, and _windy Weather_.

This appears to me like Prejudice, and does not consist with the Candour of an unbias'd Author: it looks as if he were carried away with the Humour of his Country, who are observed to be no Favourers of _Pork_, and therefore will allow _Hogs_ no Share in _Divination_.