Olla Podrida Part 36

_An Ornamental Shrubbery near the Lodge of the Hall._

_Enter Peter Bargrove._

_Peter._ What a stupid old woman not to confess, after the stars had told the truth! As to old Bargrove, I will have my revenge upon him.

Beat me! me, Sir Peter's heir to the property! How confounded strong he is! the old brute! Out of respect to his age, I did not strike him again; but I should like to see, just like to see the next man who will venture to lay his stick across _my_ back. Now I'll to the Hall, and make myself known to Lady Etheridge. How affected she will be! I'll lay my life there will be a scene. Who comes here? O, the fict.i.tious heir to the property, Captain Bargrove, as he will find himself in a very short time. I must hold myself rather high; it will prepare him, as it were, for the bad news. Poor fellow!

_Enter Captain Etheridge and Mertoun, from the gates of the Lodge._

_Capt. Eth._ (_holding out his hand_). Hail! Peter, my good fellow! how are you all at home?

_Peter._ (_turning away, and folding his arms_). Pretty well, Captain.

_Capt. Mer._ (_aside_). I say, Etheridge, that's a dead cut; who is your friend?

_Capt. Eth._ (_astonished_). What's the matter now? I think, Mr Peter, when I offer my hand, it is not very courteous in you to refuse it.

_Peter._ (_ostentatiously_). Property, Captain, is property. You'll allow that. My hand is my own, and I have it in possession. You'll allow that. But there is other property, which at present is not in my possession, but which you will allow to be hereafter. (_Aside._) That's a hard hit.

_Capt. Mer._ Property is property, Etheridge, and to judge by his manners, your friend must have an excess of it in possession.

_Capt. Eth._ Property is property, but I doubt if my friend has much of it in possession.

_Peter._ No, but I hope to have.

_Capt. Eth._ Well, I hope so too. But what's the matter with you, Peter?

_Peter._ Excessively familiar!

_Capt. Mer._ Upon my word, Etheridge I wonder at your patience. Who is the brute?

_Peter._ Brute, sir, did you say brute?

_Capt. Mer._ Yes, sir, I did.

_Peter._ Then, sir, if you say brute, I beg to observe to you, sir, that--that----

_Capt. Mer._ What? Well, sir!

_Peter._ That, sir, a brute is a beast, sir----

_Capt. Mer._ Exactly.

_Peter._ And if that's what you meant, there's no offence. Now, if you say brute beast----

_Capt. Mer._ Well, sir, I do say so.

_Peter._ You do--you do say so? Well, then, sir, allow me to tell you, in very positive terms, sir, that you have been guilty of--of tautology.

_Capt. Mer._ Your friend is very harmless, Etheridge.

_Capt. Eth._ I am aware of that; but still I was not prepared for this impertinence, considering the obligations he is under to my family.

_Peter._ Obligations, sir, what obligations? Do you refer to the advantages that you had in being educated with me?

_Capt. Eth._ I have ever considered the reverse; and that it was you who had the advantages, had you had sense enough to profit by them.

_Peter._ Now, observe, there's your mistake.

_Capt. Eth. to Capt. Mer._ The fool is mad.

_Peter._ Mad, Captain what's your name?

_Capt. Eth._ Captain what's-your-name, Peter, don't stand insult.

_Peter._ There is no insult. I repeat again, Captain what's-your-name.

Do you know your name?

_Capt. Eth. to Capt. Mer._ Why, he's as mad as a March hare.

_Capt. Mer._ Yes, but not so hot as a Welsh rabbit.

_Peter._ A rabbit--that's a boroughmonger! Now I ought to take that up, it is a downright insult; but perhaps he did not mean it. Captain what's-your-name, I tell you a secret; you don't know your own name, no, nor you don't know your station in life.

_Capt. Eth._ I'm sure you forget yours, Mr Peter. How long has this change taken place?

_Peter._ Ask your nurse. (_Aside._) That was a hard hit; he must smell a rat now.

_Capt. Eth._ Ask my nurse!

_Capt. Mer._ Ask your granny, Etheridge; upon my soul, it's as good as a play.

_Capt. Eth._ To the audience, perhaps; but I feel rather inclined to be in earnest. Hark you, Mr Peter, do you know I am very particular in payment, and always give every man his due.

_Peter._ That's it exactly. All that I wish is, that you would give me mine; but if you don't--I shall oblige you, depend upon it.

_Capt. Mer._ I rather expect he will, Etheridge, if he goes on much longer.

_Peter._ Thank you for taking my part. That's handsome. Perhaps you will persuade him to do me justice.

_Capt. Mer._ If you had been in my hands, I should have done you justice long before this.

_Peter._ "There's virtue still extant," as the play has it. Sir, as you have joined my side, I'll permit you to shake hands with me.

_Capt. Mer._ O certainly! we always do preparatory to a set-to. Now, then, take my advice--on your guard!

_Peter_ (_aside_). Now I don't fear him. (_Aloud._) Captain what's-your-name, shall I tell you your fortune?

_Capt. Eth._ O certainly! you look like a conjuror.