Olla Podrida Part 37

_Peter._ It is your fortune, sir, to be under the baleful influence of the stars, Georgium Sidum and Copernic.u.m. In a few days you will find your name to be _Bargrove_, and you will have to change situations with me.

_Capt. Eth._ Indeed!

_Peter._ Yes, Captain Bargrove, so it is. A wicked woman changed us in our cradles; but the secret is come out, and evidence is at hand. You must return to obscurity, whilst I emerge from mine. The stars will have it so. Your fortune's told.

_Capt. Eth._ Nonsense! the fool has been imposed upon. Now, Mr Peter, I'll tell your fortune.

_Peter._ I thank you. It has been already told to my satisfaction.

_Capt. Eth._ Nevertheless, it must be told again, although, perhaps, not to your satisfaction. Mr Peter, I can put up with folly, but never with impertinence. Mars and Saturn are about to be in strong opposition, and heavy Saturn will soon jump about like Mercury. The stars will have it so.

_Peter._ I don't comprehend that.

_Capt. Eth._ It shall be explained. You, Peter Bargrove, have been excessively insolent to me, Edward Etheridge; in consequence, I shall now take the liberty of giving you a little wholesome correction.

[_Seizes Peter by the collar._

_Capt. Mer._ Don't use violence to the natural. He offends more in ignorance than malice.

_Peter._ Thank you, sir. I see that you are a well-behaved gentleman. O sir! sir! 'tis a vile, ungrateful world. I intended to do something for that young man. (_Captain Etheridge shakes him._) Why, yes, I did. I not only intended to allow you forty pounds a year, but to do what would be more agreeable to your sister Agnes.

_Capt. Eth._ Agreeable to Miss Etheridge! What do you mean, sir?

_Peter._ Mean--why, I'm not quite sure--recollect, I don't promise; but I was thinking of marrying her. (_Captain Mertoun flies at him, and seizes him by the collar on the other side. They both shake him violently._)

_Capt. Eth._} {my sister, } } You marry { } you scoundrel!

_Capt. Mer._} {Miss Etheridge, }

_Capt. Mer._ (_letting him go_). I am sorry that I was provoked to lay hands on him. Etheridge, I'll leave his chastis.e.m.e.nt entirely to you.

_Peter._ Thank you, sir; I always thought ye were on my side. I suppose that was a mistake just now.

_Capt. Mer._ I certainly had no right to interfere between you and Captain Etheridge.

_Capt. Eth._ (_still holding Peter by the collar_). But, Mr Peter, we do not part yet. You may have made your peace with Captain Mertoun, but not with me. How dare you insult me thus?

_Peter._ I insult you! (_To Captain Mertoun._) Arn't you of my side?

_Capt. Mer._ (_laughing_). Yes; if you are knocked down, I, as your second, will help you up again, no more.

_Peter._ Well--but I'm not a nine-pin. Why not prevent him from knocking me down?

_Capt. Mer._ The stars won't permit that.

_Capt. Eth._ And the stars ordain this. (_Lifting his cane._)

_Peter._ Captain Etheridge, one word; let go my collar, behave like a reasonable man, and I now promise, upon my word of honour, that I will elevate your sister to my--nuptial bed. (_Captain Mertoun shakes his cane, and makes signs to Captain Etheridge to thrash him._)

_Capt. Eth._ I can bear no more. (_Beats Peter round the stage._)

_Peter._ Oh! oh! My stars again. Why don't you help me, sir?

_Capt. Mer._ You are not down yet, Peter. (_Captain Etheridge continues striking._)

_Peter_ (_throwing himself down, and panting_). Now I am.

_Capt. Mer._ Yes, and now I may help you up. Then you may go at it again.

_Peter._ What! am I to have more of it if I am up?

_Capt. Mer._ I rather suspect so.

_Peter._ Then I prefer lying here. You need not wait, Captain Bargrove.

I sha'n't get up this half-hour. (_Rubbing his shoulders._)

_Capt. Eth._ You observe, Peter, I told you your fortune correctly. The stars would have it so. I hope, when next we meet, you will be a little more reasonable, and also a little more respectful. If not, I hold your fortune in my hands. (_Holding up his cane._)

_Peter._ Didn't I tell you that you did? Why don't you return it like an honest man? As I said before, I'll make you an allowance.

_Capt. Eth._ That's more than I will for you, if I have any more impertinence. Come, Mertoun, he'll not come to time, that's clear.

_Capt. Mer._ No, nor to his fortune or t.i.tle either, I'm afraid. Good morning, Peter. Ha! ha! ha!

_Capt. Eth._ Farewell, Sir Peter! Ha! ha! ha! [_Exeunt Captains Mertoun and Etheridge._

_Peter_ (_sitting up_). _Come to time_--nor to my t.i.tle and fortune.

Well, I hope they'll both come to the gallows. I thought of that as a repartee when they were here, but it was too good to be thrown away upon them. (_Rises._) It _is_ very odd that n.o.body will believe me when the facts are so plain. As Shakespeare says, the "ladder of my ambition is so hard to climb." I presume these are all the sticks I am to get up by.

I'm almost tired of it already; but, however, after two misses comes a hit; and I'll try the last. Now to Lady Etheridge, discover myself to her, sob upon her bosom, as the gipsy foretold I should; and then if she is but on my side, why I defy all the men in the family. [_Exit._

_Scene III._

_A parlour in the homestead._

_Enter Old Bargrove and Mrs Bargrove._

_Old Bar._ Why, dame, I can make nothing out of it. I have questioned Lucy as closely as possible, and it appears that it was a gipsy woman who told their fortunes. But still, as Lucy told me the story, there is something very strange about it.

_Mrs Bar._ Lucy appears to take it very much to heart, poor thing!

_Old Bar._ She does, dame, but in the right way. She thinks of others, and not of herself. I tell you this, dame, if I thought that Lucy was not my daughter, it would almost break my heart.

_Mrs Bar._ She's a good girl, and content with her father and mother. I only wish that Peter was the same.

_Old Bar._ Peter was born a fool, dame, and he'll never be anything else. But I hope this may prove of service to him. I hear that he has already been up to the Hall.

_Mrs Bar._ Had we not better go there, too, Bargrove, and see Sir Gilbert, or they may suppose we be parties to the report.

_Old Bar._ Why should they, and who knows the report as yet?