Baboo Jabberjee, B.A Part 17

_The Judge._ No one has ever suggested that you are an animal of that description, Sir. Have the goodness to keep to the point. (_Reads as he writes._) "I was so intimidated by threats of plaintiff's mother that she would have me severely kicked by third parties if I refused, that I consented to become engaged to plaintiff." Is _that_ what you say?

_Jab._ (_beaming_). Your lords.h.i.+p's acute intellect has comprehended my _pons asinorum_ with great intelligence.

_The Judge_ (_looking at him under his spectacles_). Umph! Well, go on.

What next?

[_So old ~JAB~ goes on ga.s.sing away, at such a deuce of a rate that the Judge gives up all idea of taking notes, and sits staring at ~JAB~ in resigned disgust._ (_It was spell-bound attentiveness._--H. B. J.) _~JAB~ WILL spout and WON'T keep to the point; but, all the same, I fancy, somehow, he's getting round the Jury. He's such a jolly innocent kind of old a.s.s, and they like him because he's no end of sport. The plaintiff's a devilish fine girl, and gave her evidence uncommonly well; but, unless ~WITHERINGTON~ turns up again, I believe old ~JAB~ will romp in a winner, after all! I haven't taken down anything else, except his wind-up, when of course he managed to get in a speech._

_Jab._ Believe me, gentlemen of the jury, this is simply the barefaced attempt to bleed and mulct a poor impecunious Indian. For it is incredible that any English female, of genteel upbringings and the lovely and beauteous appearance which you have all beheld in this box, it is incredible, I say, that she should seriously desire to become a mere unconsidered unit in a bevy of Indian brides! How is she possibly to endure a domestic existence exposed to the slings and arrows of a perpetual gorilla warfare from various native aunts and sisters-in-law, or how is she to reconcile her dainty and fastidious stomach, after the luscious and appetising fare of a Bayswater boarding-house, to simple, unostentatious, and frequently repulsive Indian eatables? No, Misters of the jury, as warm-hearted n.o.ble-minded English gentlemen, you will never condemn an unfortunate and industrious native graduate and barrister to make a cripple of his career, and burden his friends and his families with such a bone of contention as a European better half, who will infallibly plunge him into the pretty pickle of innumerable family jars!

I shall now vacate the witness-box in favour of my intimate friend and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND c.u.mMERBUND, who will tell you----

_The Judge_ (_rising_). Before we have the pleasure of seeing Sir CHETWYND here, Mr JABBERJEE, there is a little formality you appear to have overlooked. The plaintiff's counsel will probably wish before you leave the box to put a few questions to you in cross-examination, and that must stand over till to-morrow. (_At this, old Jab's jaw falls several holes._)

NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--_Hereford Road, Bayswater._--I am excessively gratified by the result of my first day's trial, being already the established favourite and chartered libertine of the whole Court, who split their sides at my slightest utterances. So I am no longer immeasurably alarmed by the prospect of being crossly examined--especially since WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has abandoned his brief in despair to a tongue-tied junior, who is incompetent to exclaim Bo! to a goose. Indeed, I have some thoughts of declining haughtily to be interrogated by a mere underling.

The only fly in the ointment of my success is the utter indifference of JESSIMINA to my aforesaid triumphs. At the termination of the hearing to-day, I beheld her so deeply engrossed in smiling and cordial converse with the smartly-attired curly-headed young solicitor who is acting on her behalf that she was totally unconscious of my vicinity!

Alackaday! _varium et mutabile semper foemina!_

x.x.x

_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (part heard.) Mr Jabberjee finds cross-examination much less formidable than he had antic.i.p.ated._

It is now the second day of my celebrated case, which is such a transcendental success that already the Court is tight as a drum, while a vast disappointed crowd is barricading imploringly at the doors!

I was about to harangue these unfortunates, a.s.suring them I was not responsible for their exclusion, and promising to exert my utmost influence with the Hon'ble Judge that they were all to be admitted.

But my solicitor, seizing me by the forearm, hurried me through the entrance with the friendly recommendation that I was not to be the bally-fool.

In the trough I perceive JESSIMINA seated, in a hat even more resplendently becoming than her yesterday head-dress, and I am not a little puffed with pride to be proceeded against by a plaintiff of such a stylish and elegant appearance.

[Ill.u.s.tration: WITHERINGTON, Q.C.]

10.25 A.M.--After all, WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has paid me the marked compliment of turning up to personally conduct my cross-examination. At which SMARTLE, Esq., becomes lugubrious, averring that he is capable of turning my inside out in no time unless I am preciously careful. But, knowing that such inhuman barbarities are not feasible in civilised regions, I enter the box with a serene and smiling countenance....

_Later._--I am unspeakably delighted with the urbanity (on the whole) with which I have been cross-examined. For, to my wonderment, WITHERINGTON, Q.C., commenced with displaying a respectful and sympathetic interest in my career, &c., which rendered me completely at my ease, and though on occasions he did suddenly manifest inquisitorial severity, I soon discovered that his anger was mere wind from a tea-pot, and that he was in secret highly gratified by the nature of my replies.

And for the most part he had the great condescension to treat me with a kind and facetious familiarity.

I had privately commissioned a shorthanded acquaintance of mine with instructions to take down nothing but my answers, but with inconceivable doltishness he has done the exact converse, and transcribed merely the utterances of Mister WITHERINGTON! However, as I do not accurately recall my responses, I am to insert the report here _pro tanto_, trusting to the ingenuity of the public to read between the lines.

HERE FOLLOWS THE REPORT.

_Mr Witherington, Q.C._ Well, Mr JABBERJEE, so it seems that it is all a mistake about your being a Prince, eh?... And, however such an idea may have originated, _you_ never represented yourself as a Rajah, or anything of the kind?... I was sure you would say so. You have such a high regard for truth, and such a deep sense of the obligation of an oath, that you are incapable of a deliberate falsehood at any time--may I take that for granted?... Very glad to hear it. And of course, Mr JABBERJEE, it was no fault of yours if people chose to a.s.sume, from a certain magnificence in your appearance and way of living and so on, that you must be of high rank in your own country?... But, though you don't set up to be a Prince, you are, I believe, a recent acquisition to the honourable profession of which we are both members?... And also a journalist of some distinction, are you not?... Indeed? I congratulate you--a highly respectable periodical. And no doubt the proprietors have shown a proper appreciation of the value of your services, in a pecuniary sense?... Really? You are indeed to be envied, Mr JABBERJEE!

Not many young barristers can rely upon making such an income by their pen while they are waiting for the briefs to come in. May I ask if you intend to practise in this country?... The Calcutta Bar, eh? Then I suppose you can count upon influence out there?... Your father a _Mooktear_, is he? I'm afraid I don't know what that is exactly.... A solicitor? _Now_ I understand. So he will give you cases--in which I am sure you will distinguish yourself. But you'll have to work hard, won't you?... I thought so. No more pig-sticking or tiger-shooting, eh?...

That's a drawback, isn't it? You're pa.s.sionately devoted to tiger-shooting, aren't you? Unless I'm mistaken, you first won the plaintiff's admiration by the vivid manner in which you described your "moving accidents by flood and field"--another parallel between you and OTh.e.l.lO, eh? Well, tell me, I'm no sportsman myself--but it's rather a thrilling moment, isn't it, when a tiger is trying to climb up your elephant, and get inside the--what do you call it--howlah?--oh, _howdah_, to be sure; thank you, very much.... So I should have imagined. Still, I suppose, when you're used to it, even that wouldn't shake your nerve to any appreciable extent. You would bowl over your tiger at close quarters without turning a hair, would you not?... Just so. A great gift, presence of mind. And pig-sticking, now--isn't a boar rather an awkward customer to tackle?... "You never found him so"? But suppose you miss him with your spear, and he charges your horse?... Ah, you're a mighty hunter, Mr JABBERJEE, I perceive! Ever shoot any elephants?... _No_ elephants? That's a pleasure to come, then. Now, about your relations with the plaintiff prior to your engagement--you were a good deal in her company, weren't you?... Well, you constantly escorted her to various places of amus.e.m.e.nt, come?... Yes, yes; I am quite aware a _chaperon_ was always present. We are both agreed that my client has acted throughout with the most scrupulous propriety--but you liked being in her society, didn't you?... Exactly so, and, at that time at all events, you admired her extremely?... "Merely as a friend," eh?

no idea of proposing? Well, just tell us once more how it was you came to engage yourself.... You were afraid your landlady would summon a boarder and ask him to give you a kicking?... And the prospect of being kicked terrified you to such an extent that you were willing to promise anything--is _that_ your story?... But you are a man of iron nerve, you know, you've just been giving us a description of your performances in the jungle. How did you come to be so alarmed by a boarder, when the attack of the fiercest tiger or wild boar never made you turn a hair?...

But that is what you gave us to understand just now, wasn't it?... Then do you tell his lords.h.i.+p and the jury now that, as a matter of fact, you never shot a solitary tiger or speared a single boar in your life? Why didn't you say so at once, Sir.... Do you consider a misrepresentation of that kind a mere trifle?... In spite of the fact that you have solemnly sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?... Very well, Sir, I will take your answer. Now, just look at this letter of yours. (Your lords.h.i.+p has a copy of the correspondence.... Yes, it is all admitted, my lord.) I'll read it to you. (_Reads it._) Now, Sir, is it the fact that you ever actually consulted the gentleman who enjoys the distinction of being astrologer to your family upon your marriage with the plaintiff? Be careful what you say.... And did he ever forbid you to contract such an alliance?...

Then was there a word of truth in all that?... I thought as much. Let me read you another letter. (_He reads._) Here, you see, you make quite another excuse. You are already married, and can only offer the plaintiff the position of a rival wife, or "_sateen_," as you call it.

Have you ever contracted an infant marriage in India?... Oh, that _is_ true, is it? But why, when you were paying these attentions to the plaintiff, did it never occur to you to mention the fact that you were a married man?... "You don't know?" May it not have been because you were a widower? Was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this letter?... Then why did you write of her as if she were alive?... I quite believe _that_--but why were you so anxious to break it off just then?... Well, when you were cross-examining the plaintiff you asked her about a certain china ornament you had given her, which seems to have been originally intended for another young lady. We needn't mention her name here--but you made her acquaintance some time after your engagement, didn't you?... And since you left Porticobello House, you have seen a good deal of her, eh?... You were a great admirer of hers, weren't you?... I'm not asking you whether she is engaged to a Scotch gentleman at the present moment--I'm putting it to you that, at the time you were writing these letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed the conclusion that this other young lady was more deserving of the honour of being the second Mrs JABBERJEE.... I am not suggesting that you could help it--but wasn't it so?... Very well--that is all I have to ask you Mr JABBERJEE. You can go....

I must not omit to record that my replies and the reading of my letters did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, and in other respects I have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor informs me it is not worth a candle to call any further witnesses--especially as Hon'ble c.u.mMERBUND has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen, and as for Baboo CHUCKERb.u.t.tY RAM, he, it seems, has of course been seized by such violent indisposition that he was compelled to leave the Court.

So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will infallibly secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to the skies as c.o.c.k of the Roost.

Only I regret that JESSIMINA'S visage is now completely invisible to me, being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also that she should carry on such protracted confabulations with her curly-headed professional adviser--which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL!

x.x.xI

_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply._

My aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the literal transcript of my concluding oration, which will afford a feeble idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity.--H. B. J.

VERBATIM REPORT (_unofficial_).

_Baboo Jab._ May it please your mighty honour and great notorious gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the _locus standi_ of barrister-at-law, crawling humbly towards your footstools as a suppliant, and already I perceive from your benevolent and smirking visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbued with serpentine wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the _ad captandum_ charms of feminine cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir c.u.mMERBUND, he would infallibly have testified--

_The Judge._ As you did not think proper--no doubt for excellent reasons--to put Sir CHETWYND in the box when you could have done so, Mr JABBERJEE, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now upon the evidence he might or might not have given.

_Baboo J._ I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lords.h.i.+p's argument. The fact is, that the said Sir c.u.mMERBUND, on hearing my answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my friend WITHERINGTON'S cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks--until I encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the Polar Star to my compa.s.s-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and solicitude between two stools! (_Roars of laughter._) Misters, like the frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:--"for you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I made cordial approaches to her, but she pa.s.sed me by with a superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely engrossed in flirtatious converse with her curlypated juvenile solicitor!

(_Sensation._)

_Witherington, Q.C._ (_rising_). My lord, I really must protest. There is absolutely _no_ justification for the defendant's outrageous insinuation. I am informed by Miss MANKLETOW that she simply asked the gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts!

_The Judge._ I fail to see, Mr JABBERJEE, what advantage you can hope to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is under my immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the trial of which you have the smallest right to complain.

_Bab. J._ I am highly satisfied by your lords.h.i.+p's _obiter dictum_. Not being in such a coign of vantage as your honour's excellency, I was misled by the propinquity of heads viewed from the rear. Now, before again becoming a sedentary, I am to propose a decisive test of plaintiff's _bona fides_ in desiring my insignificant self as a spouse.

Herewith I beg humbly to have the honour of renewing my formal proposal of marriage, and moreover will pledge myself in most solemn and business-like style never on any account, whether so permitted by laws of country or _vice versa_, to take to myself a single additional native wife in her lifetime. This handsome offer is genuine and without prejudice, and I will take leave to remind plaintiff, in the terms of a rather musty adage, that she is not too closely to inspect the mouth of such a gifted horse as myself. (_Great laughter, and some sensation in Court as ~JABBERJEE~ sits down._)

_Witherington, Q.C._ Your lords.h.i.+p will see that this--ah--rather unforeseen development renders it necessary that I should ascertain the plaintiff's views before proceeding to reply. (_The Judge nods: breathless excitement in Court while the plaintiff's solicitor carries on an animated conversation with ~Mr W.~ in undertones._)

_Witherington_ (_rising once more_). Gentlemen, I have, as it was my duty to do, consulted the plaintiff respecting the unusual course which the defendant has thought proper to take. Her answer to his proposal is the answer which I am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the circ.u.mstances. (_~JAB.~ beams._) The plaintiff, gentlemen, has undergone the severest ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be called upon to endure (_"Hear, hear!" from ~JAB.~_), and out of that ordeal I think you will all agree she has come absolutely unscathed.

I need hardly say that she is incapable now of harbouring any unworthy sentiments of rancour or revenge. (_~JAB.~ beams more effulgently still._)

_But_, gentlemen, there are some injuries which, as you know, a woman may find herself able to excuse, to palliate, even to condone; but which she feels nevertheless must operate as an insuperable and impa.s.sable barrier between herself and the individual who could be capable of them!

(_~JAB.'S~ smile becomes a trifle less a.s.sured._)

[Ill.u.s.tration: "JABBERJEE'S FACE GRADUALLY LENGTHENS."]

After the disgraceful and unmanly attempts the defendant has made to evade his obligations; his disingenuous defences; his insulting innuendoes; after the deplorable exhibition he has made of himself in that box; and especially after the sombre picture he himself has painted of the domestic future he has to offer; after all this, I ask you, gentlemen, is it likely, is it possible, is it even conceivable that the plaintiff can retain any respect or affection for him, or have sufficient courage and confidence to entrust her happiness to such hands? (_~JAB.'S~ face gradually lengthens._)