Puppets at Large Part 18

_At the Close of the Last Race--Three horses have started; the favourite has led to the turn and then bolted up the s.h.i.+ngle, but, as the tide has come in and almost covered the course, and the other two horses by declining to face the water have let him in again, he wins after an exciting finish, up to the girths in sea-water; and such bookmakers as have succeeded in obtaining patronage are paying up with as much cheerfulness as they can command._

FIRST BOOKMAKER (_to eager backer_). "Wait a bit, my boy, wait _a bit_, the number hasn't gone up yet, my son. Where's your ticket--forty-two?

(_His Clerk refers to book._) That's _Squibbs_. I pay over _winners_--not losers. (_To the public._) Come along and fetch your money, the bullion's 'ere! (_To another backer._) What was yours--threes? ("Fours _I_'ve got," _from his Clerk._) Why don't yer arst for what you're ent.i.tled to, instead o' makin' me arst my clurk what your bet was? There's your money--take it and go."

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Why the blazes don't ye take it?"]

[_The backer departs wealthier but abashed._

SECOND B. I'm payin' over that 'ard-run race, gentlemen, men and 'orses exhorsted! I'm payin' over _Susan_--dear ole Susey-hanner! who wants their money? The Bank o' England's 'ere, gentlemen, Mr. Frankie Fairprice and his ole friend, who's always by his side and never looses 'im!

THIRD B. (_who has had to borrow largely from his brethren to meet his engagements_). Are you all done now? (_To the crowd._) Then I'll wish yer good afternoon, thank ye all for yer comp'ny, but you've bin bloomin' bad fun to-day, and you don't ketch me playin' Patience on a monument at any more o' yer blanky sand 'oppin' 'andicaps, that's all!

[_However, the local newspapers report next day that "A number of the sporting fraternity were in attendance to do business and apparently carried on a brisk and profitable trade"--which only shows how difficult it is for the casual observer to form an accurate opinion._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

'IGHER UP!

(A SKETCH OUTSIDE AN OMNIBUS.)

_The Omnibus is on its progress from Piccadilly to the Bank; the weather is raw and unpleasant, and the occupants of the garden-seats on the roof of the vehicle are--for once in a way--mostly men._

FIRST Pa.s.sENGER (_to SECOND, an acquaintance_). I see young Bashaway the other day. (_Significantly._) Jest been to see his father, so he told me.

SECOND Pa.s.sENGER (_with interest_). _'Ad_ he though? And 'ow did he _find_ him?

FIRST P. Fustrate, young JIM said; didn't know when he'd seen him lookin' better--(_with sentiment_)--quite like his old self!

SECOND P. (_heartily_). That _is_ good 'earin', that is!

(_Reflectively._) Seems _rum_, though, come to think of it.

FIRST P. 'Ow d'yer _mean_--rum? It's no more than what yer'd expect, bein' where he is. Look at the _air_ o' the place--there ain't a 'elthier situation all round London, to my mind!

SECOND P. No, that's right enough; and, from all I 'ear, the food's well cooked and served reg'lar, if it _is_ plain.

FIRST P. Ah, and Bill _enjoys_ his meals now, he does--the work gives him a appet.i.te, and it's years, to my certain knowledge, since he done a stroke, and o' course he ain't allowed no drink----

SECOND P. And _that's_ enough, of itself, to be the savin' of 'im, the way he was!

FIRST P. Then, yer see, there's the reg'lar hours, and the freedom from worry, and the like, and nothink on his mind, and the place with every sanitary improvement and that--why, he owns his own self it's bin the makin' of 'im. And from what young Jim was a tellin' me, it appears that if Bill goes on gittin' good-conduck marks at the rate he's doin', there'll be a nice little sum doo to 'im when he's done his time at Wormwood Scrubs.

SECOND P. (_sympathetically_). Well, and that makes suthin' to look forward to, don't it, when he _does_ git let out. Talkin' o' that, you've known 'im longer 'n what I 'ave. Do you 'appen to know what it was as he got inter trouble _for_?

FIRST P. (_with the consciousness of superior delicacy_). Lor' bless yer, I never thought o' arskin' 'im the question.

SECOND P. (_with feeble self-a.s.sertion under this implied rebuke_).

Well, it all depends on 'ow yer _put_ a question o' that sort.

[_He is silent for the remainder of the journey._

A CHATTY Pa.s.sENGER (_to a CONTRADICTIOUS Pa.s.sENGER, as the 'bus pa.s.ses Trafalgar Square_). Pretty these 'ere fountains look, with the water playin', don't they?

The CONTRADICIOUS Pa.s.sENGER. The fountings are well enough, if it wasn't fur the water--norsty messy stuff, I call it.

The CHATTY P. (_abandoning the fountains_). It's wonderful what an amount o' traffic there is in the Strand, ain't it?

CONTRAD. P. Nothink to what it was forty years ago!

[_His neighbour, not feeling in a position to deny it, subsides._

The DRIVER (_to a Pa.s.sENGER WITH A BADGE, immediately behind him_). 'Ow is it you're orf yer keb to-day, Bob? Taking a day orf, or what?

The Pa.s.sENGER WITH A BADGE. Not much. Goin' up to Bow Street to gimmy evidence in a collision case--that's all.

DRIVER (_dubiously_). Bow Street! Ain't that rorther shovin' yer 'ed in the lion's mouth, eh?

The P. WITH A B. (_with virtuous serenity_). Not _it_! What ha' they got agen me all the time I bin licensed? Only three drunks and a loiter!

The CHATTY P. (_returning to the charge_). Orful state the roads are in with all this mud! I s'pose that's the London County Council, eh?

The CONTRAD. P. London Kayounty Kayouncil! No, it ain't--nothink o' the sort! I'll _tell_ yer 'oo it is, if yer want to know; it's Gladstone!

The CHATTY P. (_mildly surprised, but glad to have discovered common ground_). I see you're a Conservative--like myself.

The CONTRAD. P. That's jest where you're _wrong_! I ain't no Conservative, nor yet I don't want none o' Gladstone neither. I'm a Radikil, _I_ am. John Burns and Ben Tillett--that's _my_ lot!

The CHATTY P. (_reluctantly relinquis.h.i.+ng politics_). Ah, well, every man's got a right to form his own opinions, ain't he?

The CONTRAD. P. No, he _ain't_--not if he goes and forms _wrong_ 'uns!

(_A pause._) 'Ave yer got the time about yer?

The CHATTY P. (_accepting this as a sign of softening_). I'm sorry to say I come out without my watch this morning, or else----But there's plenty o' clocks about as'll tell yer.

The CONTRAD. P. (_with intense disdain_). Clocks! You don't ketch _me_ trusting no clocks--with no two of 'em alike!

The CHATTY P. (_as they pa.s.s a well-known watchmaker's_). Well, 'ow about that clock with the figgers? Won't _that_ do yer? They set it to Grinnidge time every hour, so it's bound to be right!

The CONTRAD. P. (_as descends_). There yer _are_! Think I'd put my faith in a clock as 'as to be set right every hour? 'Tain't _likely_! Good-day to yer!

The CHATTY P. So long! (_To himself._) A pleasant feller enough, I dessay, if you leave the subjec' to _'im_!

DRIVER (_to smart HANSOM CABMAN_). Now then, outer the way with that 'ere 'Ackney keb o' yours!