Puppets at Large Part 19

HANSOM CABMAN (_with hauteur_). As it 'appens, it _ain't_ a 'Ackney cab--it's a private kerridge, this is!

DRIVER. Ah, I might ha' known _you_ was a hammytoor by yer silly ha.s.slike method o' conducting yer business! [_Drives on triumphant._

A POLITICAL Pa.s.sENGER (_with a panacea--to a "KNOWLEDGABLE" Pa.s.sENGER_).

No, I don't want no 'Ome Rule, nor yet no Parish Counsels, nor nothink o' _that_. What _I_ wanter see interdooced 'ere is Tereenial Porliments.

The KNOWLEDGABLE Pa.s.sENGER (_with respect_). Tereenial Parliments? I don't know as I've 'eard o' _them_.

The POL. P. Ain't yer? Well, they're what we _want_. Why, they've 'ad 'em in America, they've ad 'em in Ostralia, they've 'ad 'em in Orstria; and everywhere, mind yer, _everywhere_ they've been in operation they've turned out a success!

The KN. P. Then it's 'igh time _we_ 'ad 'em. _What_ is it they're called, again?

The POL. P. Tee-reen-ial Porliments. It stands to _reason_ they work well. There they _are_, a settin' eight months in the year fur seven year on end--somethink's _bound_ to come of it! I'd like to see any o'

_our_ lot settin' like that! It's a pity we don't take more pattern by America in our law-makin'.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late!"]

The KN. P. Except in our criminal law. Why, I've 'eard there's States out there where a man may go and commit a crime, d'ye see, and once he gits across the boundary from one State into another--like as it might be a line across this 'ere street like, d'ye see--once he's over that, they can't do nothink to 'im!

The POL. P. (_thoughtfully_). Ah, that wouldn't never do '_ere_, that wouldn't!

[_The CONDUCTOR comes up to collect fares._

CONDUCTOR (_to a SLEEPY Pa.s.sENGER in a corner_). Now then, fare, please?

The SLEEPY Pa.s.sENGER (_with manly regret_). I ain't gorrit, ole pal. If yer'd asht me jes' two minutes afore I gorrup, I could ha' done it for yer, but I took jes' anorrer glash an' blued th' lot. No man can say I don' part s'long's I gorrer _money_; no freehandeder man anywheresh'n wharri am; but yer come on me too late. (_Shaking his head reproachfully._) Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late!

COND. 'Ere, I ain't goin' to stand no nonsense! If yer 'aven't got the money, git down orf o' my bus, and quick, too!

The SL. P. Ged _down_? An' _quick_! You wouldn' tor' li' that if you'd sheen wharrer bloomin' 'ard job I 'ad to get _up_! [_He resumes his slumber._

COND. (_pa.s.sing on, softened_). I can't go and break the beggar's neck for tuppence, and he's got it somewhere about him, as likely as not.

(_To a LITIGIOUS Pa.s.sENGER._) Tuppence is the fare, Sir, if _you_ please.

The LITIGIOUS Pa.s.sENGER. One penny is the legal fare, and all I intend to pay. I know the law!

COND. And so do I. It's wrote up tuppence inside the bus. If yer ain't going to pay more, yer'd better git down; ye've 'ad over your penn'orth a'ready!

The LITIG. P. (_with spirit_). I decline to get down. I insist on being taken to the Bank for my penny.

COND. Oh, _do_ yer? We'll see about that.

[_He stops the 'bus and calls a CONSTABLE, to whom he briefly explains the situation._

CONSTABLE (_pacifically, from below, to the LITIG. P._). Come, Sir, don't block the traffic, like this 'ere! Either pay the man his fare or get down--one of the two.

The LITIG. P. (_from the roof_). I have a legal right to remain here if I like!

CONST. That may be, Sir; but if you do, this man can summons you that's all.

The LITIG. P. (_warming with the joy of battle_). That's just what I _want_ him to do! Can't I _make_ him summon me?

COND. (_disgusted_). 'Ere, 'ang it all! _do_ yer think I'm goin' to cart you 'arf over London fur a penny, and throw yer in the luxury of a lawsoot? 'Ere's yer penny back, and I give yer the ride free, _there_!

The LITIG. P. (_accepting the penny, and descending with dignity_). Very well; and let me tell you this, it was just as well you gave way when you did, for I was quite prepared to carry the case to the House of Lords!

COND. Ah! and I s'pose yer think yer'd git _there_ for a penny?

[_The Omnibus goes on before the LITIGIOUS PERSON has time to think over such an obvious repartee as asking the CONSTABLE to take the man's number._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

AT A HIGHLAND CATTLE AUCTION.

_A Yard. In the open s.p.a.ce between the rows of pens the AUCTIONEER is trying to dispose of some horses which are trotted out one by one in the usual fas.h.i.+on._

THE AUCTIONEER (_spectacled, red-bearded, canny, slightly Arcadian touch imparted by straw hat, and a sprig of heather in his b.u.t.ton-hole_).

What'll I say for this, noo? (_A horse of a meditative mien is just brought in._) Here's a beast, and a very good beast, from Lochaber!

(_The bystanders remain unmoved._) He was bred by Meester MacFarlane, o'

Drumtappit, and ye'll all ha' haird on him as the biggest breeder in these pairts. (_Heads are shaken, so much as to intimate that this particular animal does not do Mr. MacFarlane justice._) Trot him up an'

doon a bit, boy, and show his action--stan' away back there! _(With affected concern_.) Don't curb him so tight--be careful now, or ye'll do meeschief to yourself an' others! (_As the horse trots past them,_ _several critics slap it disrespectfully on the hind-quarters--a liberty which it bears with meekness._) There's a pace for ye--he's a guid woorker, a gran' beast--hoo much shall we say for him? (_n.o.body seems able to express his appreciation of the grand beast in figures._) Just to stairt ye then--twenty poon! (_Even the animal himself appears slightly staggered by this sum; bystanders are quietly derisive; AUCTIONEER climbs rapidly down without interruption till he reaches six pounds, when he receives his first bid._) s.e.x poon' is bed for 'm--is there ony advance on s.e.x poon? (_Someone in the background:--"Fefteen sh.e.l.lin'!"_) s.e.x-fefteen--noo, Meester McRobbie, wull ye no luik this way? (_MR. MCR. responds by a decided negative._) Ye won't? Ah, I never got ony guid from ye--'cept when I didn't meet ye. (_This piece of Scotch "wut" raises a laugh at MR. MCR.'S expense, but does not affect the bidding, which still languishes._) Then, he's going at s.e.x-fefteen--for the last time. Whaur's my bedder at s.e.x-fefteen?

(_Repentance or modesty prevents the bidder from coming forward, and the AUCTIONEER continues, more in grief than anger._) Eh, this is too bad noo--I'll thank no man for making me a bed, 'cept those that are meant in airnest. No one bed onything for a beast like this! Then I hae to tell ye ye've not bed near up to the resairve price on it. (_Suddenly becomes weary of the animal._) Tak' it awa'. (_The next horse is led in._) Now, here's a beast that's well-known, I'm thenkin'. (_The general expression signifies that its reputation is not altogether to its credit._) There's a well-bred mare--open up, and let her show hersel'.

(_The mare is shown, but fails to excite compet.i.tion._) Ah, ye'll ony buy screws to-day, an' not the nice things at a'--tak' her away. (_The mare is taken out ignominiously; AUCTIONEER, followed by crowd, leads the way to where a pony and trap are standing harnessed._) Noo, I'm gaun to pit up the pony an' van--just show them hoo she goes in hairness, boy. (_To intrusive collie._) Out of the way, dug, in case ye get your feet smashed. (_Trap starts off, and is driven out of sight._) Whaur's the laddie gaun ta? Thenks he'll show himsel' at Nairn, maybe! Ah, here she comes. (_Trap returns at a modest pace._) Stan' back, noo, all of ye; give her room. I'll sell the mare first, and a beauty she is--what sh.e.l.l we say? Ten poons--and she's a nice one! Well, stairt her at five, she may get up. (_Bidding gets up to ten pounds, where it stops._) Then she goes at ten, and I'm very glad she's gaun to a gude auld friend o'

mine--Meester McKenzie, o' Glenbannock. Wull ye say five mair, and take the hairness, Meester McKenzie? It's _richt_ hairness! (_MR. MCK.

declines to be tempted._) Well, I'm sorry ye wull na, I'd ha liked (_sentimentally, as if it had been the dream of his life_) for the mare an' the hairness to go togither and no to pairt them--but as 'tis, it canna be helped. We'll pa.s.s on to the pegs, if you please. (_Pa.s.ses to a row of pens containing pigs, and mounts some planks placed along the top._) Now, these are some proper pegs. (_A rush is made for the rails enclosing the pigs, which instantly become self-conscious and redouble their grunts._) Noo, laddies, laddies, it's no fair o' ye taking up a'

the room i' that way. I'm quite sure there's a lot o' ye in front that's no buying pegs--ye hanna the luik o' pairsons that buy pegs. Stan' by for shame, and don't keep them that comes to buy, where they canna see sae much as a tail. Hoo much apiece for these palefaced pegs? Ye've an awfu' guid view o' them there, Mr. Ferguson,---luik this way once again for forrty and threepence. (_Persuasively._) It'll soun' better wi' the threepence. Gaun' for forty an' three. (_The owner of the pigs calls out "No!"_) I thocht I made a law here that people having pegs should gie me the resairve at the time--see what ye do now, Peter MacPhairson, make a fule of the buyers and a fule o' mysel'!--but (_with tolerant contempt_) Peter is not a strong man, we must no be haird on Peter. (_Roar from crowd;_ _disappearance of MR. MACPH._) I'll cancel no more sales that way, however, as I eentimate to ye once for a'.

'ARRY (_on tour from Town--to his admiring friend_). I say, Charley, what d'yer bet I don't talk to some of these chaps in their own lingo?

CHARLEY. What a fellow you are! Mind what you are about, that's all.

'ARRY (_going up to an elderly person in the only Scotch cap visible_).

Hech, Sair, but yon's a braw bonnie wee bit piggie fur a body to tak' a richt gude wullie waucht wi' gin ye meet him comin' thro' the rye!

The PERSON IN THE SCOTCH CAP (_who happens to be a retired Colonel in a Highland Regiment, who is somewhat careless in his attire_). I think you will find that sort of thing better appreciated after you've got home.

[_'ARRY returns to CHARLEY, feeling much smaller than he allows his friend to perceive._

[Ill.u.s.tration]