Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 17

"I have a problem. When I wake up in the morning I have really breath!"

"Honey," her mother consoles, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

"No problem," says mum, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating go to bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," thinks the girl.

The couple are finally married. Not forgetting the advice of each parent, the husband always wears socks and the wife keeps silent until she's brushed her teeth.

Every thing is fine until one morning the husband wakes with a start and finds that one of his socks had come off! Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "You've swallowed one of my socks!"

Q: Why do men in the military have two wives?

A: Because they're in a bigamy.

Wife's s.e.x with my best friend!

A man is feeling very depressed, so he walked into a bar and orders a triple scotch whiskey.

As the bartender pours him the drink he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I've just found my wife having s.e.x with my best friend."

"Wow," exclaims the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.

"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second one is on the house."

As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks, "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the h.e.l.l out."

"That makes sense," says the bartender, "but what about your friend?"

The man replies, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"

How many s.e.x positions are there?

I was having a discussion with a friend a while back when she claimed there are 69 positions. I felt that in fact there are only 68, and bet her 50, on condition that she prove it.

She accepted my bet, and we arranged to set aside the next weekend to settle the matter.

We warmed up in a 69, my favourite number, and then got down to serious business. We did it doggy style, we did it several ways in a chair, we did it standing up.

We spooned, we did it in full and half lotus, and we did the wheelbarrow. We had s.e.x in ways I can't remember, and often we would return to 69 to re-lubricate. Late Sunday evening we had tried 66 positions, and my friend could not think of any more. She asked me if I could think of any we'd missed, and being a gentleman I replied, "Well, there's head to toe."

She lay on the bed, legs slightly apart, and I got on top, taking a big toe in my mouth to add to her pleasure. Suddenly she remembered the airplane position, and told me to spin slowly like a propeller, maintaining penetration all the while. This eventually brought us into... the missionary position. Best fifty quid I ever lost.

Newly weds.

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the a.r.s.e."

Rugby players.

A huge guy goes to try out for his University Rugby team. "Can you tackle?" asks the coach.

"Sure, watch this," the freshman replies, as he ran smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow, I'm impressed," says the coach. "Can you run?"

"Of course," says the freshman, as speeds off like a bolt of lightning and completes a hundred yard dash in 10 seconds.

"That's great," says the coach with enthusiasm," but can you pa.s.s a rugby ball?"

Rolling his eyes and hesitating for a moment, the freshman replies, "Hey, if I can swallow it, I can pa.s.s it!"

Little b.a.s.t.a.r.ds.

The lovers pa.s.sionately embraced in bed, their bodies fused together. The woman c.o.c.ked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But... but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, they work so fast!"

Sperm bank.

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and have an I.Q. of 165.

I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. Twenty minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" "I'm so embarra.s.sed, I've used my right hand. I've used my left hand. I've poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replies, "I don't usually do this but you're kind of cute..." She gets on her knees and gives him a b.l.o.w.j.o.b. The guy says "O, G.o.d! I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Question for the nurse.

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over His mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?"

Embarra.s.sed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was pa.s.sing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?"

Being a nurse of long-standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bed clothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his p.e.n.i.s out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjama, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back?"

News flash ...

Athens Olympic organizers are saying that they have captured the Olympic spirit as they launched a perfume of the same. The perfume is basically steroid saturated b.u.t.t sweat with a hint of daisies.

A sanitized version of s.e.x and the City is to be broadcast on daytime TV. The episodes will air on Friday afternoons from 3 pm to 3:07 pm.

Two people in one grave?

A woman and her son are visiting a graveyard. While walking through the cemetery back to the car, the boy asks, "Mom, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"