Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 41

SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?

SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?

SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.

SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Getting Screwed.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," says the bartender.

"One cent!?" exclaimed the guy.

The bartender replied, "Yes, One cent"

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Never Argue With A Woman.

A couple go on a fis.h.i.+ng trip. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn, while the wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fis.h.i.+ng and decided to take a nap. Seeing the boat the wife decided to take a short trip boat. She rowed out a distance, anch.o.r.ed, and returned to reading her book.

Then along came the sheriff in his boat.

He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Madam. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied, "You're in a restricted fis.h.i.+ng area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fis.h.i.+ng. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write this up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," she snapped the irately.

"But, I haven't even touched you," said the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.

I kill with my club.

A Hunter is walking through the jungle finds a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing next to it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

"Yes," says the pigmy.

"How could a little bloke like you kill a huge thing like that?"

"I killed it with my club," says the pigmy.

The astonished hunter asks, "How big is your club?"

"O," replies the pigmy, "There's about 60 of us."

The Cuban Dog.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, s...o...b..ring on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them: "The first one who can use the words liver and cheese together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The st.u.r.dy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish, said the Poodle. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, s.h.i.+ny Golden Retriever and said: "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my, " said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says: "How about you?"

The last of the three is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, in broken English, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

The Travelling Salesman.

There was a travelling salesman's car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard. It took him several hours to walk to the nearest farmhouse. When he arrived he was frozen half to death. When he knocked on the door. An old farmer answers and the salesman pleads for a place to spend the night.

"Sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to stay," says the old man. "But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them jokes."

"Oh!" says the salesman. "Just how far is it to the next house?"

It's A Small World.

An elderly couple are driving across the country with the wife driving. The couple are pulled over by the police.

"Do you know you were speeding?" the officer asks.

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yells.

"May I see your license?" asks the policeman.

The woman turns to her husband again, "What did he say?"