Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 42

The old man yells back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gives the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," says the policeman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever met."

The woman turns to her husband again and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man replies, "He said he knows you!"

Nostradamus schedule.

While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by various churches and temples.

Historians say that it got to be a quite a strain, so he put together a schedule where each inst.i.tution would get his services for two days a month.

Historians believe this to be the first ever case of a prophet-sharing plan.

Chemistry Cla.s.s.

A chemistry professor wants to teach his students about the evils of alcohol.

So he designs an experiment that involves a gla.s.s of water, a gla.s.s of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, closely observe the worms," says the professor as he puts one in each liquid.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The worm in the whiskey writhes about in pain, then curls up and sinks to the bottom of the gla.s.s dead.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asks.

A wag at the quickly raises his hand and says, "If you drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Drinking buddies.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the b.u.t.t and say, 'You as h.o.r.n.y as I am?'... and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

The Fire truck.

A fireman is working on an engine outside the station when he sees a little girl riding down the street. She's in a little red fire engine with ladders on the side and a garden hose coiled in the middle. She's wearing a fire fighter's helmet and her dog and her cat are pulling the wagon. The fireman walks over to take a closer look.

"That's nice fire truck," he says admiringly.

"Thanks. Mister Fireman," the girl replies.

The fireman notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es.

"Hey Partner," says the fireman, "If you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a lot faster."

The girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

The blonde guy and the monkey.

A blonde guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. Sitting on the next stool is a monkey.

So he asks the bartender, "What's that monkey doing in here?"

"O, he does a fantastic trick," says the bartender, "watch." The bartender picks up a bat and smacks the monkey on the head. The monkey immediately jumps up and gives the bartender a b.l.o.w.j.o.b. After the monkey is finished the blonde guy says, "That's amazing!"

"Do you want a go?" asks the bartender.

"Sure," says the blonde, "But no hitting me with the bat!"

Q: What have a short sighted gynaecologist and dog got in common?

A: They both have wet noses.

Tattoos.

A girl falls in love with a sailor and has his picture tattooed on her right breast. After a few months the romance waned. She then meets a soldier and has his picture tattooed on her left breast, again after a few months the romance waned.

A year later, she fell in love with a marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" asks the girl.

"I'm just thinking I'm the luckiest man alive," says the marine, "and in a few years those guys are going to have very long faces."

The sleepy vet.

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer.

"I've got a very constipated cow - been like it for days, it's in great pain, what can I do?"

The Sleepy vet replies, "Give it a bottle of concentrated milk of magnesia and I'll call you in the morning to see how it is." Next morning the vet calls, "How's the constipated cow this morning?"

"Cow?" says the farmer.

"I said cat."

"Oh G.o.d," says the vet, "did you give it the concentrate?"

"Yes, I gave it the whole bottle."

"Oh man," says the vet. "How is it?"

"It's out in the garden."

"Dead I suppose?" says the vet.

"No, no," says the farmer, "it's out there with four of his mates, two digging and two filling in."

The Pharmacist.

A pharmacist is found on the floor unconscious with cuts and bruises. When he comes around the policeman attending asks him, "What happened?"

"Well," says the Pharmacist, "It was the busiest day of the year. I was totally rushed of my feet. The phone was ringing and people were asking questions no stop. Then a woman came into the shop and asked for a rectal thermometer. As she was paying she said 'How do I use this?' and telling her is the last thing I remember."

b.u.mper Stickers.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you Forget world peace - visualize turning off your indicator signal!

Where there's a will...I want to be in it!

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me If we quit voting will they all go away?

This b.u.mper sticker exploits illiterates Eat right, exercise, die anyway Honk if anything falls off I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere

Ooo So big.

A mortician is laying out the body of a man with an amazingly large p.e.n.i.s, so he calls in the receptionist to show her.

"Big deal," she says, "That's just like my husband's p.e.n.i.s."

"Really," says the surprised mortician, "He's that big?"

"No," she replies. "He's that dead."