The Toy Shop (1735) The King and the Miller of Mansfield (1737) Part 2

_2 Gent._ Directions! what, how to use it?

_Mast._ Yes, Sir.

_2 Gent._ I should think, every Man's own Business his best Direction.

_Mast._ It may so. Yet there are some general Rules, which it equally behoves every Man to be acquainted with. As for Instance: Always to make a Memorandum of the Benefits you receive from others. Always to set down the Faults or Failings, which from Time to Time you discover in yourself. And, if you remark any Thing that is ridiculous or faulty in others, let it not be with an ill-natur'd Design to hurt or expose them, at any Time, but with a _Nota bene_, that it is only for a Caution to your self, not to be guilty of the like. With a great many other Rules of such a Nature as makes one of my Pocket-books both a useful Monitor and a very entertaining Companion.

_2 Gent._ And pray, what's the Price of one of them?

_Mast._ The Price is a Guinea, Sir.

_2 Gent._ That's very dear. But, as it's a Curiosity----[_Pays for it, and_ Exit.]

_Enter a_ Beau.

_Beau._ Pray, Sir, let me see some of your handsomest Snuff-boxes.

_Mast._ Here's a plain Gold one, Sir, a very neat Box; here's a Gold enamell'd; here's a Silver one neatly carv'd and gilt; here's a curious Sh.e.l.l, Sir, set in Gold.

_Beau._ Dam your Sh.e.l.ls; there's not one of them fit for a Gentleman to put his Fingers into. I want one with some pretty Device on the Inside of the Lid; something that may serve to joke upon, or help one to an Occasion to be witty, that is, s.m.u.tty, now and then.

_Mast._ And are witty and s.m.u.tty then synonimous Terms?

_Beau._ O dear Sir, yes; a little decent s.m.u.tt is the very Life of all Conversation. 'Tis the Wit of Drawing-Rooms, a.s.semblies, and Tea-tables. 'Tis the smart Raillery of fine Gentlemen, and the innocent Freedom of fine Ladies. 'Tis a _Double Entendre_, at which the Coquet laughs, the Prude looks grave, the Modest blush, but all are pleas'd with.

_Mast._ That it is the Wit and the Entertainment of all Conversations, I believe, Sir, may, possibly, be a Mistake. 'Tis true, those who are so rude as to use it in all Conversations, may possibly be so deprav'd themselves, as to fancy every body else as agreeably entertain'd in hearing it as they are in uttering it: But I dare say, any Man or Woman, of real Virtue and Modesty, has as little Taste for such Ribaldry as those c.o.xcombs have for what is good Sense or true Politeness.

_Beau._ Good Sense, Sir! Damme, Sir, what do you mean? I would have you think, I know good Sense as well as any Man. Good Sense is a true----a right----a----a----a----Dam it, I wo'nt be so pedantick as to make Definitions: But I can invent a cramp Oath, Sir; drink a s.m.u.tty Health, Sir; ridicule Priests, laugh at all Religion, and make such a grave Prig as you look just like a Fool, Sir. Now, I take this to be good Sense.

_Mast._ And I unmov'd can hear such senseless Ridicule, and look upon its Author with an Eye of Pity and Contempt. And I take this to be good Sense.

_Beau._ Pshaw, pshaw; d.a.m.n'd Hypocrisy and Affectation; Nothing else, nothing else. [_Exit._

_Mast._ There is Nothing so much my Aversion as a c.o.xcomb. They are a Ridicule upon humane Nature, and make one almost asham'd to be of the same Species. And, for that Reason, I can't forbear affronting them whenever they fall in my Way. I hope the Ladies will excuse such Behaviour in their Presence.

_2 La._ Indeed, Sir, I wish we had always somebody to treat them with such Behaviour in our Presence. 'Twould be much more agreeable than their Impertinence.

_Enter a_ Young Gentleman.

_3 Gent._ I want a plain Gold Ring, Sir, exactly this Size.

_Mast._ Then 'tis not for yourself, Sir.

_3 Gent._ No.

_Mast._ A Wedding Ring, I presume.

_3 Gent._ No, Sir, I thank you kindly, that's a Toy I never design to play with. 'Tis the most dangerous Piece of Goods in your whole Shop.

People are perpetually doing themselves a Mischief with it. They hang themselves fast together first, and afterwards are ready to hang themselves separately, to get loose again.

_1 La._ This is but the fas.h.i.+onable Cant. I'll be hang'd if this pretended Railer at Matrimony is not just upon the Point of making some poor Woman miserable. [_Aside._]

_3 Gent._ Well----happy are we whilst we are Children; we can then lay down one Toy and take up another, and please ourselves with Variety: But growing more foolish as we grow older, there's no Toy will please us then but a Wife; and that, indeed, as it is a Toy for Life, so it is all Toys in one. She's a Rattle in a Man's Ears which he cannot throw aside: A Drum that is perpetually beating him a Point of War: A Top which he ought to whip for his Exercise, for like that she is best when lash'd to sleep: A Hobby-Horse for the b.o.o.by to ride on when the Maggot takes him: A----

_Mast._ You may go on, Sir, in this ludicrous Strain, if you please, and fancy 'tis Wit; but, in my Opinion, a good Wife is the greatest Blessing, and the most valuable possession, that Heaven in this Life can bestow. She makes the Cares of the World sit easy, and adds a Sweetness to its Pleasures. She is a Man's best Companion in Prosperity, and his only Friend in Adversity. The carefullest Preserver of his Health, and the kindest Attendant on his Sickness. A faithful Adviser in Distress, a Comforter in Affliction, and a prudent Manager of all his Domestick Affairs.

_2 La._ [_Aside._] Charming Doctrine!

_3 Gent._ Well, Sir, since I find you so staunch an Advocate for Matrimony, I confess 'tis a Wedding-Ring I want; the Reason why I deny'd it, and of what I said in Ridicule of Marriage, was only to avoid the Ridicule which I expected from you upon it.

_Mast._ Why that now is just the Way of the World in every Thing, especially, amongst young People. They are asham'd to do a good Action because it is not a fas.h.i.+onable one, and in Compliance with Custom act contrary to their own Consciences. They displease themselves to please the c.o.xcombs of the World, and chuse rather to be Objects of divine Wrath than humane Ridicule.

_3 Gent._ 'Tis very true, indeed. There is not one Man in Ten Thousand that dare be virtuous for Fear of being singular. 'Tis a Weakness which I have hitherto been too much guilty of my self; but for the future I am resolv'd upon a more steady Rule of Action.

_Mast._ I am very glad of it. Here's your Ring, Sir. I think it comes to about a Guinea.

_3 Gent._ There's the Money.

_Mast._ Sir, I wish you all the Joy that a good Wife can give you.

_3 Gent._ I thank you, Sir. [_Exit._

_1 La._ Well, Sir, but, after all, don't you think Marriage a Kind of a desperate Venture?

_Mast._ It is a desperate Venture, Madam, to be sure. But, provided there be a tolerable Share of Sense and Discretion on the Man's part, and of Mildness and Condescension on the Woman's, there is no danger of leading as happy and as comfortable a Life in that State as in any other.

_Enter a fourth Lady._

_4 Lady._ I want a Mask, Sir, Have you got any?

_Mast._ No, Madam, I have not one indeed. The People of this Age are arriv'd to such perfection in the Art of masking themselves, that they have no Occasion for any Foreign Disguises at all. You shall find Infidelity mask'd in a Gown and Ca.s.sock; and wantonness and immodesty under a blus.h.i.+ng Countenance. Oppression is veil'd under the Name of Justice, and Fraud, and Cunning under that of Wisdom. The Fool is mask'd under an affected Gravity, and the vilest Hypocrite under the greatest Professions of Sincerity. The Flatterer pa.s.ses upon you under the Air of a Friend; and he that now huggs you in his Bosom, for a s.h.i.+lling would cut your Throat. Calumny and Detraction impose themselves upon the World for Wit, and an eternal Laugh wou'd fain be thought Good-nature. An humble Demeaner is a.s.sum'd from a Principle of Pride, and the Wants of the Indigent relieved out of Ostentation. In short, Worthlessness and Villany are oft disguis'd and dignified in Gold and Jewels, whilst Honesty and Merit lie hid under Raggs and Misery. The whole World is in a Mask, and it is impossible to see the natural Face of any one Individual.

_4 Lady._ That's a Mistake, Sir, you your self are an Instance, that no Disguise will hide a c.o.xcomb; and so your humble Servant.

_Mast._ Humph!----Have I but just now been exclaiming against c.o.xcombs, and am I accused of being one my self? Well----we can none of us see the ridiculous Part of our own Characters. Could we but once learn to criticize ourselves; and to find out and expose to our selves our own weak Sides, it would be the surest Means to conceal them from the Criticism of others. But I would fain hope I am not a c.o.xcomb, methinks, whatever I am else.

_Gent._ I suppose you have said something which her Conscience would not suffer her to pa.s.s over without making the ungrateful Application to herself, and that, as it often happens, instead of awaking in her a Sense of her Fault, has only serv'd to put her in a Pa.s.sion.

_Mast._ May be so indeed. At least I am willing to think so.

_Enter an old Man._

_O. M._ I want a pair of Spectacles, Sir.

_Mast._ Do you please to have 'em plain Tortoise-sh.e.l.l, or set in Gold or Silver?

_O. M._ Pho! Do you think I buy Spectacles as your fine Gentlemen buy Books? If I wanted a pair of Spectacles only to look _at_, I would have 'em fine ones; but as I want them to look _with_, do ye see, I'll have 'em good ones.