The Toy Shop (1735) The King and the Miller of Mansfield (1737) Part 3

_Mast._ Very well, Sir. Here's a pair I'm sure will please you. Thro'

these Spectacles all the Follies of Youth are seen in their true Light.

Those Vices which to the strongest youthful Eyes appear in Characters scarce legible, are thro' these Gla.s.ses discern'd with the greatest Plainness. A powder'd Wig upon an empty Head, attracts no more respect thro' these Opticks than a greasy Cap; and the Lac'd Coat of a c.o.xcomb seems altogether as contemptible as his Footman's Livery.

_O. M._ That indeed is showing things in their true Light.

_Mast._ The common Virtue of the World appears only a Cloak for Knavery; and it's Friends.h.i.+ps no more than Bargains of Self-Interest.

In short, he who is now pa.s.sing away his Days in a constant Round of Vanity, Folly, Intemperance, and Extravagance, when he comes seriously to look back upon his past Actions, thro' these undisguising Opticks, will certainly be convinc'd, that a regular Life, spent in the Study of Truth and Virtue, and adorn'd with Acts of Justice, Generosity, Charity, and Benevolence, would not only have afforded him more Delight and Satisfaction in the present Moment, but would likewise have rais'd to his Memory a lasting Monument of Fame and Honour.

_O. M._ Humph! 'Tis very true; but very odd that such serious Ware should be the Commodity of a Toy-shop. [_Aside._] Well, Sir, and what's the Price of these extraordinary Spectacles?

_Mast._ Half a Crown.

_O. M._ There's your Money. [_Exit._

_Enter a fourth young Gentleman._

_4 Gent._ I want a small pair of Scales.

_Mast._ You shall have them, Sir.

_4 Gent._ Are they exactly true?

_Mast._ The very Emblem of Justice, Sir, a Hair will turn 'em.

[_Ballancing the Scales._]

_4 Gent._ I would have them true, for they must determine some very nice statical Experiments.

_Mast._ I'll engage they shall justly determine the nicest Experiments in Staticks, I have try'd them my self in some uncommon Subjects, and have prov'd their Goodness. I have taken a large Handful of Great Men's Promises, and put into one end; and lo! the Breath of a Fly in the other has kick'd up the Beam. I have seen four Peac.o.c.k's Feathers, and the four Gold Clocks in Lord _Tawdry's_ Stockings, suspend the Scales in Equilibrio. I have found by Experiment, that the Learning of a Beau, and the Wit of a Pedant are a just Counterpoise to each other. That the Pride and Vanity of any Man are in exact Proportion to his Ignorance.

That a Grain of Good-nature will preponderate against an Ounce of Wit; a Heart full of Virtue against a Head full of Learning; an a Thimble full of Content against a Chest full of Gold.

_4 Gent._ This must be a very pretty Science, I fancy.

_Mast._ It would be endless to enumerate all the Experiments that might be made in these Scales; but there is one which every Man ought to be appriz'd of; and that is, that a Moderate Fortune, enjoy'd with Content, Freedom, and Independency will turn the Scales against whatever can be put in the other End.

_4 Gent._ Well, this is a Branch of Staticks, which I must own I had but little Thoughts of entering into. However I begin to be persuaded, that to know the true Specifick Gravity of this Kind of Subjects, is of infinitely more Importance than that of any other Bodies in the Universe.

_Mast._ It is indeed. And that you may not want Encouragement to proceed in so useful a Study, I will let you have the Scales for Ten s.h.i.+llings. If you make a right Use of them, they will be worth more to you than Ten Thousand Pounds.

_4 Gent._ I confess I am struck with the Beauty and Usefulness of this Kind of moral Staticks, and believe I shall apply myself to make Experiments with great Delight. There's your Money, Sir: You shall hear shortly what Discoveries I make; in the mean Time, I am your humble Servant. [_Exit._

_Mast._ Sir, I am yours.

_Enter a second_ Old Man.

_2 Old Man._ Sir, I understand you deal in Curiosities. Have you any Thing in your Shop, at present, that's pretty and curious?

_Mast._ Yes, Sir, I have a great many Things. But the most ancient Curiosity I have got, is a small Bra.s.s Plate, on which is engrav'd the Speech which _Adam_ made to his Wife, on their first Meeting, together with her Answer. The Characters, thro' Age, are grown unintelligible; but for that 'tis the more to be valued. What is remarkable in this ancient Piece is, that _Eve_'s Speech is about three Times as long as her Husband's. I have a Ram's Horn, one of those which help'd to blow down the Walls of _Jericho._ A Lock of _Sampson_'s Hair, tied up in a Shred of _Joseph_'s Garment. With several other _Jewish_ Antiquities, which I purchas'd of that People at a very great Price. Then I have the Tune which _Orpheus_ play'd to the Devil, when he charm'd back his Wife.

_Gent._ That was thought to be a silly Tune, I believe, for no Body has over car'd to learn it since.

_Mast._ Close cork'd up in a Thumb Phial, I have some Drops of Tears which _Alexander_ wept, because he could do no more Mischief. I have a Snuff-box made out of the Tub in which _Diogenes_ liv'd, and took Snuff at all the World. I have the Net in which _Vulcan_ caught his Spouse and her Gallant; but our modern Wives are now grown so exceeding chaste, that there has not been an Opportunity of casting it these many Years.

_Gent._ [_Aside to the Ladies._] Some would be so malicious now as instead of chaste to think he meant cunning.

_Mast._ I have the Pitch Pipe of _Gracchus_, the _Roman_ Orator, who, being apt, in Dispute, to raise his Voice too high, by touching a certain soft Note in this Pipe, would regulate and keep it in a moderate Key.

_2 La._ Such a Pipe as that, if it could be heard, would be very useful in Coffee-houses, and other publick Places of Debate and modern Disputation.

_Gent._ Yes, Madam, and, I believe, many a poor Husband would be glad of such a Regulator of the Voice in his own private Family too.

_Mast._ There you was even with her, Sir. But the most valuable Curiosity I have, is a certain hollow Tube, which I call a _Distinguisher_; contriv'd with such Art, that, when rightly applied to the Ear, it obstructs all Falshood, Nonsence, and Absurdity, from striking upon the Tympanum: Nothing but Truth and Reason can make the least Impression upon the Auditory Nerves. I have sate in a Coffee-house sometimes, for the s.p.a.ce of Half an Hour, and amongst what is generally call'd the best Company, without hearing a single word. At a Dispute too, when I could perceive, by the eager Motions of both Parties, that they made the greatest Noise, I have enjoy'd the most profound Silence. It is a very useful Thing to have about one, either at Church or Play-house, or _Westminster-hall_; at all which Places a vast Variety both of useful and diverting Experiments may be made with it. The only Inconvenience attending it is, that no Man can make himself a compleat Master of it under Twenty Years close and diligent Practice: And that Term of Time it best commenc'd at Ten or Twelve Years old.

_Gent._ That indeed is an Inconvenience that will make it not every Body's Money. But one would think those Parents who see the Beauty and the Usefulness of Knowledge, Virtue, and a distinguis.h.i.+ng Judgment, should take particular Care to engage their Children early in the Use and Practice of such a _Distinguisher_, whilst they have Time before them, and no other Concerns to interrupt their Application.

_Mast._ Some few do. But the Generality are so entirely taken up with the Care of little Master's Complexion, his Dress, his Dancing, and such like Effeminacies, that they have not the least Regard for any internal Accomplishments whatsoever. They are so far from teaching him to subdue his Pa.s.sions, that they make it their whole Business to gratify them all.

_2 Old Man._ Well, Sir; to some People these may be thought curious Things, perhaps, and a very valuable Collection. But, to confess the Truth, these are not the Sort of curious Things I wanted. Have you no little Box, representing a wounded Heart, on the Inside the Lid? Nor pretty Ring, with an amorous Poesy? Nothing of that Sort, which is pretty and not common, in your Shop?

_Mast._ O yes, Sir! I have a very pretty Snuff-box here, on the inside of the Lid, do ye see, is a Man of threescore and ten acting the Lover, and hunting like a Boy after Gewgaws and Trifles, to please a Girl with.

_2 O. M._ Meaning me, Sir? Do ye banter me, Sir?

_Mast._ If you take it to your self, Sir, I can't help it.

_2 O. M._ And is a Person of my Years and Gravity to be laugh'd at, then?

_Mast._ Why, really, Sir, Years and Gravity do make such Childishness very ridiculous, I can't help owning. However, I am very sorry I have none of those curious Trifles for your Diversion, but I have delicate Hobby Horses and Rattles if you please.

_2 O. M._ By all the Charms of _Araminta_, I will revenge this affront.

[_Exit._

_Gent._ Ha, ha, ha! how contemptible is Rage in Impotence! But pray, Sir, don't you think this kind of Freedom with your Customers detrimental to your Trade?

_Mast._ No, no, Sir, the odd Character I have acquir'd by this rough kind of Sincerity and plain Dealing; together with the whimsical Humour of moralizing upon every Trifle I sell; are the Things, which by raising Peoples Curiosity, furnish me with all my Customers: And it is only Fools and c.o.xcombs I am so free with.

_La._ And in my Opinion, you are in the Right of it. Folly and Impertinence ought always to be the Objects of Satire and Ridicule.

_Gent._ Nay, upon second Thoughts, I don't know but this odd turn of Mind, which you have given your self, may not only be entertaining to several of your Customers, but, perhaps, very much so to your self.

_Mast._ Vastly so, Sir. It very often helps me to Speculations infinitely agreeable. I can sit behind this Counter, and fancy my little Shop, and the Transactions of it, an agreeable Representation of the grand Theater of the World. When I see a Fool come in here, and throw away 50 or 100 Guineas for a Trifle that is not really worth a s.h.i.+lling, I am sometimes surpriz'd: But when I look out into the World, and see Lords.h.i.+ps and Manors barter'd away for gilt Coaches and Equipage; an Estate for a t.i.tle; and an easy Freedom in Retirement for a servile Attendance in a Crowd; when I see Health with great eagerness exchang'd for Diseases, and Happiness for a Game at Hazard; my Wonder ceases. Surely the World is a great Toy-shop, and all it's Inhabitants run mad for Rattles. Nay, even the very wisest of us, however, we may flatter our selves, have some Failing or Weakness, some Toy or Trifle, that we are ridiculously fond of. Yet, so very partial are we to our own dear selves, that we over-look those Miscarriages in our own Conduct, which we loudly exclaim against in that of others; and, tho'

the same Fool's Turbant fits us all,

_You say that I, I say that You are He, And each Man swears "The Cap's not made for me."_

_Gent._ Ha, ha! 'Tis very true, indeed. But I imagine you now begin to think it Time to shut up Shop. Ladies, do ye want any Thing else?

_1 La._ No, I think not. If you please to put up that Looking-gla.s.s; and the Perspective, I will pay you for them.

_Gent._ Well, Madam, how do you like this whimsical Humourist?