Charles Bukowski - Short Stories Collection Part 4

A CAT IN THE a.s.s.

"Dear Mr. Bukowski: Why don't you ever write about politics or world affairs?"

M.K.

"Dear M.K.: What for? Like, what's new? a" everybody knows the bacon is burning."

our raving takes place quite quietly while we are staring down at the hairs of a rug a" wondering what the s.h.i.+t went wrong when they blew up the trolley full of jellybeans with the poster of Popeye the Sailor stuck on the side.

that's all that matters: the good dream gone, and when that's gone it's all gone. the rest is horses.h.i.+t games for the Generals and money-makers, speaking of which a" I see where another U.S. bomber full of H-bombs fell out of the sky again a" THIS time into the sea while SUPPOSEDLY protecting my life. the State Dept. says the H-bombs were "unarmed," whatever that means. then we continue to read where one of the H-bombs (lost) had split open and was spreading radioactive s.h.i.+t everywhere while supposedly protecting me WHILE I hadn't even asked for protection. the difference between a Democracy and a Dictators.h.i.+p is that you don't have to waste your time voting.

getting back to the H-bomb dropout a" a little while back the same thing happened off the coast of SPAIN. (we are everywhere, protecting me.) again the bombs get lost a" careless little toys. it took them 3 months a" if I remember properly a" to find and lift that last bomb out of there. it may have been 3 weeks but to the people in that coast town it must have seemed 3 years. that last bomb a" the G.o.d d.a.m.ned thing had gotten itself wedged on the edge of a sandhill far down in the sea. and everytime they tried to hook the thing, so tenderly, it would shake loose and roll a little further down the hill. meanwhile, all the poor people in that coast town were tossing in their beds at night wondering if they'd be blown to h.e.l.l, courtesy of the Stars and Stripes. of course, the U.S. State Dept. issued a state ment saying the H-bomb had no detonation fuse, but meanwhile the rich had left for other parts and the American sailors and townspeople looked very nervous. (after all, it the things couldn't blow up what were they flying them around for? might as well carry 2-ton salamis. fuse means "spark" or "trigger," and "spark" can come from any where, and "trigger" means "jolt" or any similar action that will set off the firing mechanism. NOW the terminology is "unarmed," which sounds safer but is the same thing.) anyhow, they hooked at the bomb but as the saying goes, the thing seemed to have a mind of its own. then a few undersea storms came about and our lovely little bomb rolled further and further down its hill. the sea is very deep, much deeper than our leaders.h.i.+p.

finally, special equipment was designed just to haul bomb-a.s.s and the thing was pulled from the sea. Palomares. yes, that's where it happened: Palomares. and you know what they did next? a"

the American Navy had a BAND CONCERT in the town park in celebration of finding the bomb - if the thing wasn't dangerous they were really cutting loose. yes, and the sailors played the music together, one big s.e.xual and spiritual release. whatever happened to the bomb they pulled out of the sea, I don't know, n.o.body (except the few) knows, and the band played on. while 1,000 tons of radioactive Spanish topsoil was s.h.i.+pped to Aiken, S.C. in sealed containers. I'll be the rent is cheap in Aiken, S.C.

so now our bombs are swimming and sinking, chilled and "unarmed" about Iceland.

so what do you do when you've got the people's minds on something not so good? easy, you get their minds on something else. they can only think about one thing at a time. like, all right, head line of Jan. 23, 1968: B-52 CRASHES OFF GREENLAND WITH H-BOMBS; DANES IRKED. Danes irked? oh, mother!

anyhow, suddenly, Jan. 24, headline: NORTH KOREANS SEIZE U.S. NAVY s.h.i.+P.

oh boy, patriotism is back! why, those dirty b.a.s.t.a.r.ds! I thought THAT war was over! ah ha, I see a" the REDS! Korean puppets!

it says under the A.P. wirephoto, something like this a" the U.S. intelligence shop Pueblo a" formerly an army cargo s.h.i.+p, now converted into one of the Navy's secret spy s.h.i.+ps equipped with electric monitoring gear and oceanographic equipment was forced into Wonsan Harbor off the coast of North Korea.

those dirty Red b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, always f.u.c.king around!

but I DID notice that the lost H-bomb story got shoved into a small s.p.a.ce: "Radiation Detected at B-52 Crash Site; Split Bomb hinted."

we are told that the president was awakened between 2 a.m. and 2:30 a.m. and told of the capture of the Pueblo.

I presume he went back to sleep.

the U.S. says the Pueblo was in international waters; the Koreans say the shop was in territorial waters. one country is lying, one is not.

then one wonders, what good is a spy s.h.i.+p in international waters? it's like wearing a raincoat on a sunny day.

the closer you can get on in, the better your instruments pick up.

headline: Jan. 26, 1968: U.S. CALLS UP 14,700 AIR RESERVISTS.

the lost H-bombs off Iceland have completely disappeared from print as if it had never happened.

meanwhile: Sen. John C. Stennis (D.-Miss.) said Mr. Johnson's decision (the call-up of Air Reserves_ was "necessary and justified" and added, "I hope he will not hesitate to mobilize ground reserve components as well."

Senate minority leader, Richard B. Russell (D.-Ga.): "In the last a.n.a.lysis, this country must get the return of that s.h.i.+p and the men that were seized. after all, great wars have started from much less serious incidents than this."

House Speaker John W. McCormack (D.-Ma.s.s.): "The American people have to wake up to the realization that communism is still bent on world domination. there is too much apathy about it."

I think that if Adolph Hitler were around now he would pretty much enjoy the present scene.

what's there to say about politics and world affairs? the Berlin Crisis, the Cuban crisis, spy planes, spy s.h.i.+ps, Vietnam, Korea, lost H-bombs, riots in American cities, starvation in India, purge in Red China? are there good guys and bad guys? some that always lie, some that never lie? are there good governments and bad governments? no, there are only bad governments and worse governments. will there be a flash of light and heat that rips us apart one night while we are s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g or c.r.a.pping or reading the comic strips or pasting blue-chip stamps into a book? instant death is nothing new, nor is ma.s.s instant death new. but we've improved the product; we've had these centuries of knowledge and culture and discovery to work with; the libraries are fat and crawling and overcrowded with books; great paintings sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars; medical science is transplanting the human heart; you can't tell a madman from a sane one upon the streets, and suddenly we find our lives, again, in the hands of the idiots. the bombs may never drop; the bombs might drop. eeney, meeney, miney, mo-now if you'll forgive me, dear readers, I'll get back to the wh.o.r.es and the horses and the booze, while there's time. if these contain death, then, to me, it seems far less offensive to be responsible for your own death than the other kind which is brough to you fringed with phrases of Freedom and Democracy and Humanity and/or any of all that Bulls.h.i.+t.

first post, 12:30. first drink, now. and the wh.o.r.es will always be around. Clara, Penny, Alice, Joa"

eeny, meeney, miney, mo- ===.

swastika.

The President of the United States of America entered his car, surrounded by his agents. He sat in the back seat. It was a dark and unimpressive morning. n.o.body spoke. They rolled away and the tires could be heard on a street still wet from the preceding night's rain. The silence was more unusual than it had ever been before.

They drove along a while and then the President spoke: "Say, this isn't the way to the airport."

His agents didn't answer. A vacation had been scheduled. Two weeks at his private home. His plane was waiting at the airport.

It began to drizzle. It looked as if it might rain again. The men, including the President, were dressed in heavy overcoats; hats; it made the car seem very full. Outside, the cold wind was steady.

"Driver," said the President, "I believe you're on the wrong course."

The driver didn't answer. The other agents stared straight ahead.

"Listen," said the President, "will somebody tell that man the way to the airport?"

"We're not going to the airport," said the agent to the President's left.

"We're not going to the airport?" the President asked.

The agents were again quiet. The drizzle became rain. The driver turned the wipers on.

"Listen, what is it?" asked the President. "What's going on here?"

"It's been raining for weeks," said the agent next to the driver. "It gets depressive. "I'll certainly be glad to see a little suns.h.i.+ne."

"Yes, me too," said the driver.

"Something's wrong here," said the President, "I demand to know-"

"You are no longer in a position to demand," said the agent to the President's right.

"You mean?-"

"We mean," said the same agent.

"Is it to be an a.s.sa.s.sination?" asked the President.

"Hardly. That's old-fas.h.i.+oned."

"Then what-"

"Please. We have orders not to discuss anything."

They drove for some hours. It continued to rain. n.o.body spoke.

"Now," said the agent to the President's left, "circle again, then turn in. We're not being followed. The rain has been very helpful."

The car circled the area, then turned up a small dirt road. It was muddy and now and then the tires spun, slipped, then gripped again and the car went on. A man in a yellow raincoat held a flashlight and directed them into an open garage. It was an isolated area with many trees. A small farmhouse sat to the left of the garage. The agents opened the car doors.

"Get out," they told the President. The President did so. The agents kept the President carefully between them, although there wasn't a human within miles except for the man with the flashlight and the yellow raincoat.

"I don't see why we couldn't have done the whole thing here," said the man in the yellow raincoat. "It certainly seems much riskier the other way."

"Orders," said one of the agents. "You know how it is. He's always gone a lot on intuition. He does so now, more than ever."

"It's very cold. Do you have time for a cup of coffee? It's ready."

"That's good of you. It's been a long drive. I presume the other car is all ready to go?"

"Of course. It's been checked again and again. Actually, we're about ten minutes ahead on the timetable. That's one reason I suggested the coffee. You know how he is about precision."

"O.K., then, let's go in."

Keeping the President carefully between them, they entered the farmhouse.

"You sit there," one of the agents told the President.

"It's good coffee," said the man in the yellow raincoat, "hand-ground."

He walked around with the pot. He poured himself one, then sat down, still in the yellow raincoat, only the headpiece thrown on the stove.

"Ah, it is good," said on of the agents.

"Cream And sugar?" one of them asked the President.

"All right," he said- There wasn't much room in the old car but they all managed to get in, with the President again in the back seat-The old car also slipped in the mud and rutholes but made it to the road. Again, it was a silent ride most of the way. Then one of the agents lit a cigarette.

"d.a.m.n it, I just can't stop smoking!"

"Well, it's a hard thing to do, that's all. Don't worry about it."

"I'm not worried about it. Just disgusted with myself."

"Well, forget all that. This is a great day in History."

"I'll say so!" said the one with the cigarette.

Then he inhaled- They parked outside an old roominghouse. It continued to rain. They sat there some moments.

"Now," said the agent next to the driver, "get him out. It's clear. n.o.body on the streets."

They walked the President between them, first through the front door, then up 3 flights of steps, always keeping the President between them. They stopped and knocked at 306. The signal: one knock, pause, two knocksa"

The door was opened and the men quickly pushed the President inside. The door was then locked and bolted. Three men were waiting inside. Two were in their 50's. The other sat in an outfit that consisted of an old laborer's s.h.i.+rt, 2nd-hand trousers that were too large and ten dollar shoes, scuffed and unpolished. He sat in a rocker in the center of the room. He was in his 80's but he smiled-and the eyes were those same eyes; the nose, the chin, the forehead hadn't changed much.

"Welcome, Mr. President. I've waited a long time on History and Science and You, and all have arrived, on schedule, today-"

The President looked at the old man in the rocker. "Great G.o.d! You're-you are-"

"You've recognized me! Others of your citizens have made jokes about the similarity! Too stupid to even realize that I was-"

"But it was proven that-"

"Of course, it was proven. The bunkers: April 30th, 1945. We wanted it that way. I've been patient. Science was with us but at times I had to speed-up History. We wanted the right man. You are the right man. The others were too impossible a" too alienated from my political philosophy-You are far more ideal. By working through you it will be easier. But as I said, I had to speed-up the reel of History a bit-my age-I had to-"

"You mean-?"

"Yes. I had your president Kennedy a.s.sa.s.sinated. And then, his brother- "

"But why the 2nd a.s.sa.s.sination?"

We had information that that young man would have won the presidential election."

"But what are you going to do with me? I've been told that I'm not to be a.s.sa.s.sinated-"

"May I introduce Drs. Graf and Voelker?"

The two men nodded at the President and smiled.

"But what is going to happen?" asked the President.

"Please. Just a moment. I must question my men. Karl, how did it go with The Double?"

"Fine. We phoned from the farm. The Double arrived at the airport on schedule. The Double announced, that due to weather conditions, he was canceling the flight until tomorrow. Then The double announced that he would take a pleasure drive-that it pleased him to be driven about in the rain-"

"And the rest?" asked the old man.

"The Double is dead."

"Fine. Let's get on with it then. History and Science have arrived on Time."

The agents began walking the President toward one of the two operating tables. They asked him to disrobe. The old man walked to the other table. Drs. Graf and Voelker climbed into their medical gowns and made ready for the task-The young-looking of the 2 men arose from one of the operating tables. He dressed himself in the President's clothing, then walked to the full-length mirror on the north wall. He stood for a good 5 minutes. Then he turned.

"It is miraculous! Not even any operating scars-no recuperating period. Congratulations, gentlemen! How do you do it?"

"Well, Adolph," answered one of the doctors, "we've come a long way since-"