The Jest Book Part 2

x.x.xI.--A HORSE LAUGH.

A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that "if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would _bear malice_ like a _Christian_."

x.x.xII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the s.e.xton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the s.e.xton's misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as _I have covered so many blunders of yours_!"

x.x.xIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.

A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"--"Yes," said the patient.

"Do you sleep well?"--"I do."--"Then," said the physician, "I shall give you something to take away _all that_!"

x.x.xIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.

SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband, who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that had the impudence!"--"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the good man; "you don't know what a man may do _in a pa.s.sion_."

x.x.xV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.

IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article: "Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a _head capitally executed_."

x.x.xVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.

A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a dispute."--"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was _mad_; I said the world was _mad_, and they _outwitted me_."

x.x.xVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.

SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day came to see it, and says it is _a copy_. If any one says so again, I'll _break his head_. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to come, and give me _your real opinion of it_?"

x.x.xVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.

"HOW does your new-purchased horse _answer_?" said the late Duke of c.u.mberland to George Selwyn. "I _really_ don't know," replied George, "for I never _asked him a question_."

x.x.xIX.--"ONE FOR HIS n.o.b."

A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig."--"Nothing but _the head_," was the answer.

XL.--SOUND AND FURY.

A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?

"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all _noises_, I think music is the least disagreeable."

XLI.--COME OF AGE.

A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wis.h.i.+ng to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied the other; "but I can inform you that _an a.s.s_ is older at twenty than a man at sixty!"

XLII.--A STRIKING NOTICE.

THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care, friend, thou mayest run _thy face_ against _my fist_."

XLIII.--UP IN THE WORLD.

A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous, another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as my father was sheriff for the county when his was _hanged_ for horse-stealing."

XLIV.--REVERSE OF CIRc.u.mSTANCES.

WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, a.s.sailing them daily with fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage, the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladys.h.i.+p, and success to your honor's honor: for sure I did not _dream_ last night that her ladys.h.i.+p gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of tobacco."--"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of contrary."--"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean, that your honor will give me _the tea_, and her ladys.h.i.+p _the tobacco_."

XLV.--A DOGGED ANSWER.

BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet.

"I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a _dog_ in the town but what thinks so."

XLVI.--VISIBLE DARKNESS.

A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a couple of _decent_ candles to _see_ how these others _burn_."

XLVII.--HIC-CUPPING.

A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner introduced remarkably small hock-gla.s.ses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a gla.s.s of hic, haec, hoc, with you."--"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ gla.s.s."

XLVIII.--WORDS THAT BURN.

DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes,"

exclaimed Burke, "_oil of vitriol_!"

XLIX.--Pa.s.sING THE BOTTLE.

FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if _the bottle was pa.s.sed so quickly_, not one of them would be able to stand out the evening."