The Jest Book Part 3

L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.

MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, "Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a single question?"--"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether he is _Junius_; but, if he be, he is certainly _Junius Brutus_."

LI.--A WEAK WOMAN.

A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the doctor, "every morning with a small gla.s.s of brandy." A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice?"--"She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the gla.s.s _higher than her mouth_."

LII.--TOO MANY COOKS.

ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one servant, your work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three, you may _do it yourself_."

LIII.--LOOK IN HIS FACE.

ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the s.h.i.+p was on fire near the magazine. "If that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? _I need not ask how he looks_."

LIV.--NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."

JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. "Law,"

he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person observed to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial, and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction.

"And so," said Tooke, "is the _London Tavern_, to such as can afford to _pay for their entertainment_."

LV.--AN EXTINGUISHER.

WHILE Commodore Anson's s.h.i.+p, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight, with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our s.h.i.+p is on fire very near the powder magazine."--"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the least degree discomposed, "_run back and a.s.sist in putting it out_."

LVI.--A BAD SHOT.

A c.o.c.kNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The shot pa.s.sed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I _never hit_ what I fire at."

LVII.--WISE PRECAUTION.

IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be _grave_: here comes a _fool_."

LVIII.--A TRUMP CARD.

AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago, Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the n.o.ble hostess observed, that the female pa.s.sion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr.

Rogers, "that _clubs_ are worse than _diamonds_." This joke excited a laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following _impromptu_ sermonet--most appropriately _on a card_:--

Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades,"

Unmindful of that _Knave of Spades_, The s.e.xton and his Subs: How foolishly we play our parts!

Our _wives_ on _diamonds_ set their _hearts_, _We_ set our _hearts_ on _clubs_!

LIX.--MISTAKEN IDENt.i.tY.

A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe, madam," said he, "I have _dropt a guinea_."--"No, sir," replied the lady, "it is I that have _dropt it_."

LX.--ALONE IN HIS GLORY.

A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no "gentleman."--"Are _you_ a gentleman?" asked the droll one. "Yes, sir," bounced the fop. "Then, I am very glad _I am not_," replied the other.

LXI.--A CAPITAL LETTER.

DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt _Prophet_ with an F.

LXII.--A GOOD PARSON.

DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains, whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall, and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always quarrelling with me?"--"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth the doctor, "for telling the truth."--"No, no," says the king, "but I would have us for the future be friends."--"Well, well," quoth the doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,--as _you mend I'll mend_."

LXIII.--SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.

A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf, and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of dough, "you will have _the less to carry_."--"True," replied the lad, and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that,"

said young sooty, "you will have _the less to count_."

LXIV.--THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.

LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lords.h.i.+p, when one of the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lords.h.i.+p remember me?

My name's John ----; I have had the honor to be before your lords.h.i.+p for stealing sheep?"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife?

she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them to be stolen."--"At your lords.h.i.+p's service. We were very lucky, we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher trade."--"Then," replied his lords.h.i.+p, "we may have the honor of _meeting again_."

LXV.--A LATE EDITION.

IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the ma.n.u.script of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer and Virgil were forgotten, _but not till then_."

LXVI.--VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife, Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; So termagant awhile her thunder tries, And when she can no longer scold, she cries.

LXVII.--THREE TOUCHSTONES.

AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--"The goodness of gold is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men by the ordeal of women."