The Jest Book Part 4

LXVIII.--A DIALOGUE.

_Pope._

SINCE my old friend is grown so great, As to be minister of state, I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope) That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.

_Craggs._

ALAS! if I am such a creature, To grow the worse for growing greater, Why, faith, in spite of all my brags, 'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.

LXIX.--BEAR AND VAN.

THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name is such a long one, I shall drop the _sittart_, and call you _Van_ for the future."--"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall drop _croft_, and call you _Bear_!"

LXX.--EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.

LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he Laid many heavy loads on thee!

LXXI.--PROVING THEIR METAL.

WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks them proved _prince's metal_."

LXXII.--A DISTANT PROSPECT.

THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a _fellows.h.i.+p_, which was a long dreary walk, with a church _at the end of it_."

LXXIII.--SOUND SLEEPER.

A MAN meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a dream."--"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not _hear you_."

LXXIV.--A CHEAP CURE.

"PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and _earn it_!" was the pithy answer.

LXXV.--EPIGRAM.

YOU say, without reward or fee, Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill; I say he never did prescribe for me, The proof is plain,--_I'm living still_.

LXXVI.--A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.

SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to apologize to the audience, and told them that _a_ Mr. ---- had declined to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the "_a_,"

and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who replied that he supposed Mr. ---- wanted to be called _the_ Mr.

So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "_Definite Article_."

LXXVII.--A BANKER'S CHECK.

ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--

"They say he has no heart, and I deny it: He has a heart, and--_gets his speeches by it_."

LXXVIII.--A FILLIP FOR HIM.

THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied the _wrong Phillips_."

LXXIX.--BLACK OILS.

"WHAT'S the matter?" inquired a pa.s.ser-by, observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale s.h.i.+p, from which he had deserted.

"Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor negro _to get oil_."

Lx.x.x.--A BAD CROP.

A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line of his profession--to promote business, he wished to _sow sedition_.

Lx.x.xI.--A GRAVE DOCTOR.

COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company, a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his _old patients_."

Lx.x.xII.--WASTE POWDER.

DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the t.i.tle of a very small volume remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing an eight-and-forty pounder at the _door of a pigsty_."

Lx.x.xIII.--THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.

AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."--"Well,"

said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your _creditors_, who ought to wear a woful countenance."

Lx.x.xIV.--BLACK AND WHITE.

DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a pet.i.tion, setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary legislative wisdom."--"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was for the Irish that they were not _born black_! They would then have had plenty of friends in both houses."

Lx.x.xV.--HOME IS HOME.