The Jest Book Part 5

"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a _sty_ in them when I saw her last."

Lx.x.xVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.

AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, "Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"--"No, sir," replied the alderman, "I am studying _gas-tronomy_."

Lx.x.xVII.--A CLIMAX.

A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope you'll mend."--"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is _my last folly_."

Lx.x.xVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.

WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"--"Does your lords.h.i.+p mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?"--"Is it not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are but _two legs of mutton_."

Lx.x.xIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.

WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would _bite_ some other of my generals."

XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.

TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know how _old_ we are to be this year."

XCI.--NOT RIGHT.

A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. "Hold up your _right_ hand," said the clerk. "Please your honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am _left-handed_."

XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.

DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly after on a visit to his lords.h.i.+p, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lords.h.i.+p. Before retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice, having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned them with the following lines:--

"Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire, I would not retain it a minute; What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's _fire_, Is sure to be instantly _in it_."

XCIII.--"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."

A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as little of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European."

XCIV.--HAND AND GLOVE.

A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black; "Take off your _glove_, friend," said the judge to him.

"Put on your _spectacles_, my lord," answered the dyer.

XCV.--VAST DOMAIN.

A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could make your words good, I should then be the _greatest_ monarch in the world."

XCVI.--MONEY RETURNED.

A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said he, "I _had_ it, and to such I _give_ it again."

XCVII.--CHEESE AND DESSERT.

TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after _cheese_."

XCVIII.--VERY POINTED.

SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was impossible to touch him anywhere without _p.r.i.c.king_ one's fingers.

XCIX.--"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."

A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quant.i.ty of port placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman began, "One bottle _port_, one _ditto_, one _ditto_, one _ditto_,"--"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their _port_, but I did not taste a drop of their _ditto_."

C.--COMPUTATION.

AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it, when there were an hundred judges on the bench?--_one_ and _two ciphers_."

CI.--PRIMOGENITURE.

AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful appearance, while _his son_ was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian, "is it possible that this gentleman was an _old man_ when his father _was born_!!"

CII.--CHECK TO THE KING.

ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of this a.s.sertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And, please your majesty, _whose fault is that_?" The king was struck, and remained silent.

CIII.--A FALL IN MITRES.

ONE of the wooden _mitres_, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your reverence's head."--"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab, "suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that _a mitre falling on my head_ would hurt it."

CIV.--FALSE DELICACY.

A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you had as great a dislike _to being a scoundrel_."