The Jest Book Part 30

Dx.x.xVI.--THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.

A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage, In a long _tete-a-tete_ with his dame, While trotting to town in the Kennington stage, About giving their villa a name.

A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk, Stole out, half an hour after dark, Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk, And wrote on the palings,--"_Hide_ Park!"

Dx.x.xVII.--AN ABSENT MAN.

A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O, my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not _missed_."

Dx.x.xVIII.--A DOUBLE KNOCK.

ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish government will not be able to stand many more such _Knocks Down_ as this!"

Dx.x.xIX.--A PROPER RETORT.

A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great _difference_ between me and my friend."

DXL.--FORAGING.

DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it was said to be part of the stage directions,--"_Enter_ the Red Coat: _Exeunt_ Hat and Cloak."

DXLI.--ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.

AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig, He happened to tread on a very small pig: "Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken, For surely thou art an _abridgment of Bacon_."

DXLII.--UNKIND.

"PRAY, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladys.h.i.+p's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of _discretion_."

DXLIII.--DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.

THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, _Non rapui sed recepi_ ["I did not _steal_ it, but I _received_ it"]. This being shown to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The _receiver_ is as bad as the _thief_."

DXLIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).

IF really ---- do but loathe Things base or mean, I must confess I'd very freely take my oath, Self-love's a fault he don't possess.

DXLV.--ELOQUENT SILENCE.

"YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----," said Maule to a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ----, I use no _epithet_, it is iteration;" his look implying _the anathema_.

DXLVI.--KEEPING A PROMISE.

THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend: "Dear d.i.c.k! on me thou may'st a.s.sured depend; I know thy fortune is but very scant, But never will I see my friend in want."

d.i.c.k soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him; He kept his word,--in want he ne'er would see him!

DXLVII.--NAVAL ORATORY.

WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the s.h.i.+p, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men signed _a round robin_, wherein they declared that they would not fire a gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside the first large s.h.i.+p of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil himself will not be able to _keep you from it_." The men all returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten times over.

DXLVIII.--VERSE AND WORSE.

AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing.

Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the _wittiest_ among them thus ended the contest:--

"Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm, Excuse me, if I just step home; Two lines already!--be not cru'l, Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.

There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls, With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."

DXLIX.--THE IRON DUKE.

IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a _sovereign_, which he probably would have done had he at the time refused to take _no change_. The Reform Bill was under consideration.

DL.--CLEAR THE COURT.

AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye _blackguards_ that isn't _lawyers_, must lave the coort."

DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION.

AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I hae been a gude wife to you, John."--"O, just middling, just middling, Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow."--"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly, "we'll just pit you in the Gorbals _first_, and gin ye dinna lie quiet, we'll try you sine in Stra'von."

DLII.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days, he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no other nation would stand _beating_ for two days together."

Yesterday we had another hearing of the pet.i.tion of the merchants, when Sir Robert G.o.dschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost; he asked whether the copy had been taken _before_ the original was lost, or _after_!

This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an _oyster_ speak as well twenty times."

DLIII.--NOT POLITE.