The Jest Book Part 31

MR. P----, a candidate for Berks.h.i.+re, was said to have admitted his want of _head_, by demanding a _poll_.

DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRc.u.mSTANCES.

A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was _drunk_ when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was drunk, what might he not have done when he was _sober_?" evidently implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful one, was a condition of intoxication.

DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.

THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life, The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.

DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.

THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him:--

"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"

_Jerrold._--"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."

DLVII.--LADY ANNE.

AT Portsmouth, during the representation of _Richard the Third_, on Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,"

Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they were _battle-axes_ (basilisks) to strike _thee dead_."

DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.

A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had been seen was.h.i.+ng tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was was.h.i.+ng _bowels_?"--"Yes, sir."--"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"--"Yes, sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it _a wren's_ stomach?"

DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.

A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent s.h.i.+pwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, "_Wet_, ma'am,--_very wet_."

DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.

MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr.

Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would confine myself to _the cow_."

DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.

A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"--"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for we aye think the _selvidge_ is the wakest bit o' the wab!"

DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.

WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he _draws_, but he has not refused _his oats_ yet."

DLXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to excessive gout.)

IN a.s.serting that Z. is with villany rife, I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him; Since _two_ members _attached to his person through life_, Have, on recent occasions, _refused to support him_.

DLXIV.--A HAPPY MAN.

LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing!"--"I envy you your happiness, my lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the _merriest_ life of any man in Europe."

DLXV.--VULGAR ARGUMENTS.

AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table, and roared at his adversary:--

"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"

The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:--

"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"

Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung the bell, and shouted:--

"Waiter, _spittoons for two_!"

DLXVI.--A CLEAR CASE.

MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries.

_Ex. gr._ "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is _some_ evidence upon that point; but he's a lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by _some_ evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be _some_ evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. ---- means in this case."

Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?

DLXVII.--THE LATIN FOR COLD.

A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, although I have it at my _fingers' ends_."

DLXVIII.--PIECE DE RESISTANCE.

"DO come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."--"O my dear fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very same I should have had at home, _barrin' the beef_."

DLXIX.--LAMB AND ERSKINE.