The Jest Book Part 38

DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix _equal_ quant.i.ties of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a gla.s.s under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it _As you like it_?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is _Measure for Measure_."

DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.

JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see _that_, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just mentioned; "and now where would _you_ be if the gallows had its due?"--"Riding _alone_," coolly replied Paddy.

DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.

SEVERAL publicans being a.s.sembled at Malton, in Yorks.h.i.+re, in order to renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately replied: "I'll a.s.sure your wors.h.i.+p there's naught pernicious put into our barrels that I know of, but the _exciseman's stick_."

DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRaeTEREA NIHIL.

"I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"

Said a punster perusing a trial; "I vow, since his lords.h.i.+p was made Baron Vaux, He's been _Vaux et praeterea nihil_."

DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.

A s.e.xTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb remarked that they must have been very _sharp set_.

DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.

DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcesters.h.i.+re, remarked that the publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor, are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the _house of correction_."

DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.

AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose, Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose, In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus, Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us; Yet to show a celestial to kindness so p.r.o.ne is, Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."

Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!

If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll _starve me_!"

DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.

A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it poured forth _volumes_ of smoke! _Volumes_, did I say? Whole _encyclopaedias_!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two _mandami_.

DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.

DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do you remember my Baroness in _Ask no Questions_?" said Mr. S. "Yes, indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck by your _barrenness_," was the retort.

DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.

HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.

DCLx.x.x.--PAR n.o.bILE FRATRUM.

A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request with much eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles, without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy chiel'll no _tell muckle_ that you and I _said_ till him."

DCLx.x.xI.--PLAIN LANGUAGE.

MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;"

upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr.

Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain _common sense_, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken."

DCLx.x.xII.--A SETTLER.

A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he put a poser--"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"--"Why that, sir,"

stammered out Lamb, "will _depend_ upon the boiled legs of mutton."

DCLx.x.xIII.--CASH PAYMENTS.

PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two s.h.i.+llings, and when he made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, "Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it be as like _two s.h.i.+llings_ as you can."

DCLx.x.xIV.--LAWYER'S HOUSE.

THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read, Is built upon the fool or madman's head.

DCLx.x.xV.--A REASONABLE DEMAND.

COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him, "B----, I go by your door, and will set you down." B---- gave the chairman a s.h.i.+lling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head, and hoped his honor would give him more than a s.h.i.+lling. "For what, you scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"--"But consider the fright your honor put us into," replied Pat,--"_consider the fright_!"

DCLx.x.xVI.--EBENEZER ADAMS.

THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So friend, I see that thou hast not yet _forgiven_ G.o.d Almighty." This seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and went about her necessary business and avocations.

DCLx.x.xVII.--ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.

A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she, "thee must not do it."--"O, _by Jove!_ but I must," said the youth.

"Well, friend, as thee hast _sworn_, thee may do it, but thee must not make a practice of it."

DCLx.x.xVIII.--A FIG FOR THE GROCER!