The Jest Book Part 39

WHEN Abernethy was canva.s.sing for the office of surgeon to St.

Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life."--"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to be off!"

DCLx.x.xIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.

SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following advice from a friend: "When you are racing with an opposition steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other pa.s.sengers are cheering the captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time, especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid their pa.s.sage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat, and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A pa.s.senger overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his pa.s.sage?' and if he receives an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '_Go ahead_!'"

DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.

SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." Once on _terra-firma_, the doctor's view of the case was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave you to manage him--_I'll walk back_."

DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?

LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_.'"

DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.

A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a _mute_.

DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?"

After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the owner _to sell_ as soon as possible."

DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.

SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so _large_ a man."--"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so _green_."

DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.

DURING the a.s.sizes, in a case of a.s.sault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorks.h.i.+reman:--

"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"--"I saw a stone, and I'ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it."

"Was it a large stone?"--"I should say it wur a largish stone."

"What was its size?"--"I should say a sizeable stone."

"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"--"I should say it wur a stone of some bigness."

"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"--"Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a stone."

"Can't you compare it to some other object?"--"Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump o' chalk!"

DCXCVI.--FATIGUE DUTY.

A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other, "I preach twice every Sunday, and _make nothing_ of it."

DCXCVII.--GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.

STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the pa.s.sengers. "Suppose, Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which of us two do you think they will eat first?"--"Those that are _gluttons_," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of _me_, but the _epicures_ will attack you!"

DCXCVIII.--A BAD END.

IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own _watery bier_."

DCXCIX.--ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS), WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."

THIS name's the best that could be given, As will by proof be quickly seen; For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"

She was, of course, the _raining Queen_.

DCC.--ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.

IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this matter is evident--they never considered the temper of the people they had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and therefore my administration has been attended with a different effect."

"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand, and _up starts_ a patriot."

DCCI.--BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."

WHEN Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and accost him with "Have you read my book?"--"Yes, ---- you!" replied Lord Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not _help myself_."

DCCII.--VERY LIKE A WHALE.

THE first of all the royal infant males Should take the t.i.tle of the Prince of _Wales_; Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber, Babies and _whales_ are both inclined to _blubber_.

DCCIII.--A NEW SIGN.

A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign was. He answered, that it was _a sign_ he was drunk.

DCCIV.--FALSE QUANt.i.tIES.

A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quant.i.ty at the outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.