The Jest Book Part 40

DCCV.--NOT TRUE.

A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr.

----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well,"

replied the lady, "if he is very much _unlike_ other men, he is more likely to make a good husband."

DCCVI.--BETTING.

THE folly of _betting_ is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters: "Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said it would affect the fairness of the bet."

DCCVII.--FIRE AND WATER.

PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of attempting to light a cigar at _a pump_."

DCCVIII.--THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.

THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector, Pa.s.ses near your parish spire; Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture E'er will overwhelmed expire.

Put not then your hopes in weepers, Solid work my road secures; Preach whate'er you will--_my_ sleepers Never will awaken _yours_.

These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the _last ever written_ by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented author,--James Smith.

DCCIX.--THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.

COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed, "_Them's the jockeys for me_!"

DCCX.--EQUALITY.

A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for a more ign.o.ble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I _won't_ keep off; I have as much _right_ to be here as you!"

DCCXI.--A CANDID COUNSEL.

AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned, replied, "I am _concerned_ for the plaintiff, but I'm _retained_ by the defendant."

DCCXII.--TRADE AGAINST LAND.

WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would spend 50,000 rather than he should _come in_. Whitbread, with true English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would pay for that.

DCCXIII.--TRUE EVIDENCE.

A JEW called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing counsel thus examined him: "What is your name?"--"Jacob."--"What are you?"--"General dealer."--"Do you keep a shop?"--"No."--"How then do you dispose of your goods?"--"To the _best advantage_, my good fellow."

DCCXIV.--DR. YOUNG.

DR. YOUNG was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go, one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, laid his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:--

"Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven, And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.

Like him I go, but yet to go am loth; Like him I go, for angels drove us both.

Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind; His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."

DCCXV.--A YANKEE YARN.

MR. d.i.c.kENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?"--"Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.

DCCXVI.--SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.

THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his paris.h.i.+oners with whom he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld sermon, for the minister had preached it no' _sax months_ syne."

DCCXVII.--LOVE OF THE SEA.

LOVE the sea? I dote upon it,--from the beach.--D.J.

DCCXVIII.--UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.

A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a chubby-faced lad who was pa.s.sing him without moving his hat. "Do you know who I am, sir, that you pa.s.s me in that unmannerly way? You are better fed than taught, I think, sir."--"Whew, may be it is so, measter, for you _teaches_ me, but I _feeds_ myself."

DCCXIX.--COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.

AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family plate,--_the fetters and handcuffs_!

DCCXX.--A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.

A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be _capped_? Are they not _fellows_?"

DCCXXI.--A MEDICAL OPINION.

AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation, which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son.

"O, father, father, do not let them _tap_ you," screamed the boy, in an agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"--"Why, my dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall live long in health to make you happy."--"No, father, no, you will not: there never was anything _tapped_ in our house that lasted longer than a week."

DCCXXII.--THE CAUSE.

LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles-- What secret care consumes her youth, And circ.u.mscribes her smiles?

_A speck on a front tooth._