The Jest Book Part 41

DCCXXIII.--WHAT'S GOING ON?

A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what is going on to-day?"

Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"

DCCXXIV.--SNORING.

A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he received the following polite note: "Deacon ---- is requested not to commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the _text_."

DCCXXV.--TWO MAKE A PAIR.

SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III., the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse: "Here is to be seen the _fork_ belonging to the _knife_ with which Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."

DCCXXVI.--ALMANAC-MAKERS.

TWO women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an _almanac-maker_; for thou liest every day and all the year long."

DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"--"_Black as ever_," was the reply.

DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

"HE that will never look upon an a.s.s, Must lock his door and break his looking-gla.s.s."

DCCXXIX.--EXAGGERATION.

A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."--"I don't see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it _running_."

DCCx.x.x.--WINNING A LOSS.

A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money, made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat the company."--"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and _treat_ the company."

DCCx.x.xI.--ADVICE GRATIS.

ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of _law_ than of _fact_, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, _for nothing_, what you would not give him under _two guineas_."

DCCx.x.xII.--SHORT COMMONS.

AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: "Wanted, _two_ apprentices, who will be treated as _one_ of the family."

CCx.x.xIII.--LICENSED TO KILL.

WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick, Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every day, and why may not I?"--"Because," replied the satirist, "_you are not qualified to kill game, and I am_."

Cx.x.xIV.--WILKES AND LIBERTY.

WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his abuse of the Royal family among you?"--"I do not at present know,"

replied he, dryly, "but I _am trying_."

DCCx.x.xV.--A PAT REPLY.

LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the permanent Masters.h.i.+p of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the _Rolls_, I care nothing for your _b.u.t.ter_."

DCCx.x.xVI.--LORD NORTH ASLEEP.

HIS Lords.h.i.+p was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything remarkable. During a debate on s.h.i.+p-building, some tedious speaker entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark, he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived.

Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a _century or two_ more?"

DCCx.x.xVII.--RATHER SAUCY.

"YOU had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.

"I asked for what I thought you had _the most_ of," was the cutting reply.

DCCx.x.xVIII.--LONG STORY.

A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its progress from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to _finish_ by the time he _returned_.

DCCx.x.xIX.--EUCLID REFUTED.

(A part is not equal to the whole.--Axiom.)

THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove, Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry; 'Tis plain _one sixteenth part_ of Brougham's sense, Equals the _whole_ possessed by L--d--d--y.

DCCXL.--BRED ON THE BOARDS.

WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's V----, he was bred on these boards!"--"He looks as though he'd been cut out of them," replied Jerrold.

DCCXLI.--ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.