The Jest Book Part 50

DCCCLx.x.xIV.--BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.

A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know you."--"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for _those who do_, will not lend me a farthing."

DCCCLx.x.xV.--WILL AND THE WAY.

AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man who _makes his own will_."

DCCCLx.x.xVI.--A REASONABLE EXCUSE.

A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend, "your acquaintances find it is much more easy to _retain_ the books themselves, than what is _contained_ in them."

DCCCLx.x.xVII.--BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.

WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were _I_ Duke of Northumberland, perhaps I could be."

DCCCLx.x.xVIII.--SUMMARY DECISION.

MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded that the dogs should fight."--"Then I," replied the Judge, "_am minded_ to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.

DCCCLx.x.xIX.--A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.

TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to _subscribe_" (here the reader had to turn over leaf) "Myself, _your very obedient servant_," etc.

DCCCXC.--HABEAS CORPUS ACT.

BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circ.u.mstance respecting the origin of that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on with this misreckoning of _ten_; so it was reported to the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the majority, and by this means the bill pa.s.sed."

DCCCXCI.--A RUNAWAY KNOCK.

DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had just recovered, said--"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, I can a.s.sure you."

DCCCXCII.--COMMON POLITENESS.

TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he _left his name_ at my door in the morning."

DCCCXCIII.--THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah!

poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the _Home Circuit_."

DCCCXCIV.--A SOPORIFIC.

A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular use he could have for a single pillow?"--"Why," said Foote, "I do not sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good nap, when the proprietor of it (though he _owed so much_) could sleep upon it."

DCCCXCV.--CHARITABLE WIT.

WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry five pounds. How much art thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he _felt_ very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy pocket?" inquired the "Friend."

DCCCXCVI.--USE IS SECOND NATURE.

A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he, "it is to _keep_ my hands in use, lest at any time I should _forget it_."

DCCCXCVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)

HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill; Dissect an a.s.s before you try your skill.

DCCCXCVIII.--LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.

USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally to _clinch the roots_.

DCCCXCIX.--AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.

THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?"

inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist _not_ to make it _like you_, so they won't know it."

CM.--THE REBEL LORDS.

AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"

Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off?

"Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."

Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but _a la tete tranchee_." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop his handkerchief for the signal.

CMI.--A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.