The Jest Book Part 51

"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you,"

replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever _else_ you will, _you_ will be a gainer by the bargain."

CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.

WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "_Keep on as you are_, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to _overtake them_."

CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.

JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial spendthrift.

"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do you think of my grays?"

"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your duns!"

CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.

WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman."--"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by art?"--"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage _art_ does not adorn her: _nature adorns_ her there, and _art glorifies_ her."

CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather,"

said he, "have _friends_ than hares."

CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.

A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"--"No, sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were _little Else_."

CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.

A PERSON wis.h.i.+ng to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the _wee_ ane," he says, giving as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller, laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller has _aye a gey fat sou_."--"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller.

"Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's _expense_ she's fed."

CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.

MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see; I first cut _him_, he now cuts _me_.

CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.

TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady pa.s.sed by them, one said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back, and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much of you."--"So you may, madam," said he, "and _lie_ as I _did_."

CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.

GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a gla.s.s. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation."--"Why, general?"--"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."

CMXI.--ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.

YOUR comedy I've read, my friend, And like the _half_ you've pilfered best; But, sure, the Drama you might mend; Take courage, man, and _steal the rest_!

CMXII.--GARRICK AND FOOTE.

"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all, you are glad to take up with one of _my_ farces."--"Why, yes, David,"

rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator for this hot weather."

CMXIII.--NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.

WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said the wit; "a joke in _your_ mouth is no laughing matter!"

CMXIV.--QUITE AGROUND.

IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very _limited premises_.

CMXV.--A JUDGE IN A FOG.

ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a _life-interest_ in the estate to himself."--"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case I rather think your lords.h.i.+p _takes the will for the deed_."

CMXVI.--THE LETTER H.

IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that, if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, by making him _ill_ (_Hill_ without _H_) all the days of his life.

CMXVII.--ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.

SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give.

Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared up."--"Just a _little_, ma'am--enough for one, but not enough for two."

CMXVIII.--"THE RULING Pa.s.sION STRONG IN DEATH."

CURRAN'S ruling pa.s.sion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been _practising_ all night."

CMXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the charge of illegally p.a.w.ning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)