The Jest Book Part 52

IF it's true a newly made M.P.

Has coolly p.a.w.ned his landlord's property, As the said landlord certainly alleges, No more will Radicals and Whigs divide Upon one point, which thus we may decide, "Some members are too much disposed for pledges."

CMXX.--CUP AND SAUCER.

A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Baccha.n.a.lian devotion and remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so,"

said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state of his saucers."

CMXXI.--A NEW READING.

KEMBLE playing _Hamlet_ in the country, the gentleman who acted _Guildenstern_ was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician.

_Hamlet_ asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"--"My lord, I cannot."--"I pray you."--"Believe me, I cannot."--"I do beseech you."--"Well, if your lords.h.i.+p insists on it, I shall do as well as I can"; and to the confusion of _Hamlet_, and the great amus.e.m.e.nt of the audience, he played "G.o.d save the king!"

CMXXII.--CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.

SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about _to stand_ at the ensuing elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, for there are very few who can reasonably expect to _sit_.--G. A'B.

CMXXIII.--STRANGE VESPERS.

A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a living?"--"No."--"How does he employ himself?"--"He says ma.s.s in the morning."--"And in the evening?"--"In the evening he _don't know what_ he says."

CMXXIV.--A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.

SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it would change the _barren hills_ into _fruitful valleys_."

CMXXV.--AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.

THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean _his departure_.--G. A'B.

CMXXVI.--ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.

A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near the _vertebra_?"--"No, no," said the other; "it was near the _racecourse_."

CMXXVII.--SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.

WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one striking circ.u.mstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the room, and returned with the beautiful lines:--

"No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung; Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.

Majestic silence," &c.

CMXXVIII.--THE STAFFORDs.h.i.+RE COLLIERIES.

MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney.

During his clerks.h.i.+p he was sent to serve some legal process on a man whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed, does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell into a _brown study_, in which she remained for some time. At length, however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig!

whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she added, "You should ha' ax'd for _Ould Blackbird_!"

CMXXIX.--A POSER.

FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flas.h.i.+ng away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"--"You have not _tried me_ yet, sir," said Foote.

CMx.x.x.--MINDING HIS CUE.

MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of _Richmond_; and having, during the evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was personating _Lord Stanley_ (for the safety of whose son _Richmond_ is naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:--

Elliston (as _Richmond_). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?

Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester town_!

Elliston (as _Richmond_). I mean--ah!--is he missing?

Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester town_!!

And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at that particular moment, have been put to him.

CMx.x.xI.--EPIGRAM.

(On a little member's versatility.)

WHY little Neddy ---- yearns To _rat_, there is a reason strong, He needs be _everything by turns_, Who is by nature _nothing long_.

CMx.x.xII.--LATE AND EARLY.

THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very _late_ to the office."--"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must remember that I go away _early_." The oddness of the excuse silenced the reprover.

CMx.x.xIII.--FAIR PLAY.

CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first fire."--"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any advantage, you shall _chalk_ my size upon _your body_, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing."

CMx.x.xIV.--SOMETHING LACKING.

HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "WARREN'S B----," was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis _lacking_ that should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.

CMx.x.xV.--THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.