The Jest Book Part 74

MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.

"WELL, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have _mauled_ my antagonist to some purpose?"--"O yes," replied a listener, "you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, I'll borrow _your jaw-bone_!"

MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.

THE following cannot be omitted from a _Jest Book_, although somewhat lengthy:--

A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took place.--Clerk of a.s.size: "What have you to say why judgment should not be pa.s.sed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would have cost you about 100. When you had recovered substantial damages against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _a mensa atque thoro_. That would have cost you 200 or 300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _a mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a divorce _a vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and altogether you would have had to spend about 1000 or 1200. You will probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_."

MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.

IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for _delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers, the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. "It was,"

said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr.

Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, _that is my case_."

MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.

A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end."

MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.

IF anybody comes to I, I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em; If after that they like to die, Why, what care I, I Lettsom.

MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.

A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain for ourselves the other nine."--"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'"

MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.

WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to the toll-keeper as the king pa.s.sed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"--"O, kings never does; we lets 'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye,"

says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found n.o.body to _pay the turnpike for him_." Tom Moore told this story to Sir Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits.

"Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us: there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_."

MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.

THE valet of a man of fas.h.i.+on could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages are _running on_."--"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them."

MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.

BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name Ensures continuance to thy fame; Both sense and truth this verdict give.

While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!

MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.

A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that the whole treasure which the st.u.r.dy Caledonian had been defending at the hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him,"

said one of the rogues: "if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he would have _killed_ the whole of us."

MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.

IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a _Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the _mal-apropos_ hit, replied, "Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_."

MCCCx.x.x.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.

THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wilts.h.i.+re, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. "Well they may," said his lords.h.i.+p, "when they have got but one _silver spoon_ among them all."

MCCCx.x.xI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.

THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks I must and will deny; They say their master is a knave: And sure _they do not lie_.

MCCCx.x.xII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.

A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_ for ever."

MCCCx.x.xIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.

DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "_No Popery_!" Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, "_No Religion_!"

MCCCx.x.xIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.

IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate, appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry!

why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."--"Alas! Egan, it is but too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!"

MCCCx.x.xV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.

"HARRY, I cannot think," says d.i.c.k, "What makes my ankles grow so thick."

"You do not recollect," says Harry, "_How great a calf_ they have to carry."

MCCCx.x.xVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.

ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. "My lord,"

answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken, and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so."