The Jest Book Part 75

MCCCx.x.xVII.--SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.

SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity.

"_But_," said Sheridan, "_what his Royal Highness more particularly prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest_."

MCCCx.x.xVIII.--FAIRLY WON.

THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by his _nom-de-plume_ of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, D----, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when, looking round at the grave a.s.sembly, the latter held up a penny tart, and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."--"Go thy way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way, and----"--"The pie's _yours_, sir!" exclaimed D----, placing it before the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.

MCCCx.x.xIX.--A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.

A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed at the slowness of the pace, and wis.h.i.+ng to urge the postilion to greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he roared into the ear of the postilion: "_Westmoreland, c.u.mberland, Northumberland, Durham_!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.

MCCCXL.--ON THE FOUR GEORGES.

GEORGE the First was always reckoned Vile,--but viler, George the Second; And what mortal ever heard Any good of George the Third?

When from earth the Fourth descended, G.o.d be praised, the Georges ended.

MCCCXLI.--WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.

HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door.

"I want my umbrella."--"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an umbrella?"--"Do?" answered Simpson, pa.s.sing through the door, "do as _I_ did, _borrow one_!"

MCCCXLII.--WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?

LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the House of Commons a vote of 400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"--"An archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days, who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account of its _lavendric_ properties."

MCCCXLIII.--"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S DAY, 1787."

THE City-feast inverted here we find, For Pitt had his _dessert_ before he dined.

MCCCXLIV.--LATIMER.

THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the _fathers_, said, "I cannot talk for my _religion_, but I am ready to die for it."

MCCCXLV.--EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.

A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he attained the age of _one hundred_.

MCCCXLVI.--A NEW IDEA.

ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not distinctly make out, and that was the word (p.r.o.nouncing it very long) _ide-a_. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek derivation."--"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes from the word _ideaowski_."--"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"--"It is the _feminine_ of idiot, madam!"

MCCCXLVII--THE POOR CURATE.

FOR the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search, But the Curate you'll find _living hard_ by the church.

MCCCXLVIII.--NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.

SIR G.o.dFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it.

Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but _paint_ it."--"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I will _take anything from him, except physic_."

MCCCXLIX.--A HEAVY WEIGHT.

MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry, "_or I will roll upon you_." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed the following epigram:--

That the stones of our chapel are both black and white, Is most undeniably true; But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night, It's a wonder they're not _black and blue_.

MCCCL.--A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.

GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there, took occasion to mention "the luminous author of _The Decline and Fall_." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You called him the luminous author."--"Luminous! Oh, I meant _vo_luminous!"

MCCCLI.--"SINKING" THE WELL.

THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer.

"Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let _well_ alone.'"

MCCCLII.--ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.

IN reading his name it may truly be said, You will make that man _dy_ if you cut off his _Hed_.

MCCCLIII.--THE WAY TO KEW.

HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says: "One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given _C A B_ to find _Q_. _Answer_: Take your _C A B_ through Hammersmith, turn to the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before you."

MCCCLIV.--ABOVE PROOF.

AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack, to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the s.h.i.+p being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the s.h.i.+p, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why, please your honor, I _tapped the Governor_."

MCCCLV.--AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.