The Jest Book Part 76

MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days"; the Yorks.h.i.+remen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a s.h.i.+lling!" was the reply. "Not a s.h.i.+lling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why, didn't you go there _to star_?"--"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful mournfulness; "but they spell it with a _ve_ in Wakefield."

MCCCLVI.--MISS WILBERFORCE.

WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce _for ever_!" when she pleasantly observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for really, I do not wish to be _Miss Wilberforce for ever_!"

MCCCLVII.--WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.

WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad, Pursuing a querulous strain?

When Erin gives up all the rights that she had, What _right has she left to complain_?

MCCCLVIII.--A COOL PROPOSITION.

AT the breaking up of a fas.h.i.+onable party at the west end of town, one of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's; whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,--say you are bringing with you the _cool of the evening_."

MCCCLIX.--A PROPER NAME.

WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything you attempt, suppose you call it _Abbatoir_."

MCCCLX.--THE GRANDSON.

HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third.

"But," added he, "there is nothing new under the _sun_!"--"No," said George Selwyn, "nor under the _grand-son_!"

MCCCLXI.--AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.

A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to Providence, and be satisfied with his _lot_. "Ah!" replied the needy man, "I should be satisfied with his _lot_ if I had it, but I can't get even a _little_."

MCCCLXII.--TO LADY, MOUNT E----, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.

O DRY that tear so round and big, Nor waste in sighs your precious wind; Death only takes _a single pig_-- Your _lord and son_ are still behind.

MCCCLXIII.--NATURAL.

MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite innocently; "I never _lay awake_ long enough to diskiver."

MCCCLXIV.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to be near his brother, who was a corporal _in the 76th_.

MCCCLXV.--A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.

MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of _The Gamester_. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's distress in the last act?"--"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend to _put them into the Ecclesiastical Court_."

MCCCLXVI.--CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.

"TAXES are equal is a dogma which I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor; "Taxation _hardly presses_ on the rich, And likewise _presses hardly_ on the poor."

MCCCLXVII.--THE BEST WINE.

SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of _other people_."

MCCCLXVIII.--A VALUABLE BEAVER.

A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said: "Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"--"Why did you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to _your Beaver_" (Belvoir).

MCCCLXIX.--SOMETHING TO POCKET.

A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney,--"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put you in my pocket."--"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if you do, you will have more law in your _pocket_ than ever you had in your _head_."

MCCCLXX.--UP AND DOWN.

AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same case a short time after his lords.h.i.+p's elevation, and before he was acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses the court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lords.h.i.+p, somewhat confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I _am sitting_, my lord," was the reply to the confounded Chancellor.

MCCCLXXI.--A POOR SUBSt.i.tUTE.

THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am _when I can't get cream_,"

was the ready reply.

MCCCLXXII.--OUT OF SPIRITS.

"IS my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh, As her voice of a tempest gave warning.

"Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply, "For she _finished_ the bottle this morning."

MCCCLXXIII.--GOOD AT THE HALT.

PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."--"You follow the camp, my little limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian."--"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally.

"For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march, you would _halt_!"

MCCCLXXIV.--AN EASY WAY.