Fifty Bab Ballads Part 19

AN actor--GIBBS, of Drury Lane - Of very decent station, Once happened in a part to gain Excessive approbation: It sometimes turns a fellow's brain And makes him singularly vain When he believes that he receives Tremendous approbation.

His great success half drove him mad, But no one seemed to mind him; Well, in another piece he had Another part a.s.signed him.

This part was smaller, by a bit, Than that in which he made a hit.

So, much ill-used, he straight refused To play the part a.s.signed him.

THAT NIGHT THAT ACTOR SLEPT, AND I'LL ATTEMPT TO TELL YOU OF THE VIVID DREAM HE DREAMT.

THE DREAM.

In fighting with a robber band (A thing he loved sincerely) A sword struck GIBBS upon the hand, And wounded it severely.

At first he didn't heed it much, He thought it was a simple touch, But soon he found the weapon's bound Had wounded him severely.

To Surgeon COBB he made a trip, Who'd just effected featly An amputation at the hip Particularly neatly.

A rising man was Surgeon COBB But this extremely ticklish job He had achieved (as he believed) Particularly neatly.

The actor rang the surgeon's bell.

"Observe my wounded finger, Be good enough to strap it well, And prithee do not linger.

That I, dear sir, may fill again The Theatre Royal Drury Lane: This very night I have to fight - So prithee do not linger."

"I don't strap fingers up for doles,"

Replied the haughty surgeon; "To use your cant, I don't play roles Utility that verge on.

First amputation--nothing less - That is my line of business: We surgeon n.o.bs despise all jobs Utility that verge on

"When in your hip there lurks disease"

(So dreamt this lively dreamer), "Or devastating caries In humerus or femur, If you can pay a handsome fee, Oh, then you may remember me - With joy elate I'll amputate Your humerus or femur."

The disconcerted actor ceased The haughty leech to pester, But when the wound in size increased, And then began to fester, He sought a learned Counsel's lair, And told that Counsel, then and there, How COBB'S neglect of his defect Had made his finger fester.

"Oh, bring my action, if you please, The case I pray you urge on, And win me thumping damages From COBB, that haughty surgeon.

He culpably neglected me Although I proffered him his fee, So pray come down, in wig and gown, On COBB, that haughty surgeon!"

That Counsel learned in the laws, With pa.s.sion almost trembled.

He just had gained a mighty cause Before the Peers a.s.sembled!

Said he, "How dare you have the face To come with Common Jury case To one who wings rhetoric flings Before the Peers a.s.sembled?"

Dispirited became our friend - Depressed his moral p.e.c.k.e.r - "But stay! a thought!--I'll gain my end, And save my poor exchequer.

I won't be placed upon the shelf, I'll take it into Court myself, And legal lore display before The Court of the Exchequer."

He found a Baron--one of those Who with our laws supply us - In wig and silken gown and hose, As if at Nisi Prius.

But he'd just given, off the reel, A famous judgment on Appeal: It scarce became his heightened fame To sit at Nisi Prius.

Our friend began, with easy wit, That half concealed his terror: "Pooh!" said the Judge, "I only sit In Banco or in Error.

Can you suppose, my man, that I'd O'er Nisi Prius Courts preside, Or condescend my time to spend On anything but Error?"

"Too bad," said GIBBS, "my case to s.h.i.+rk!

You must be bad innately, To save your skill for mighty work Because it's valued greatly!"

But here he woke, with sudden start.

He wrote to say he'd play the part.

I've but to tell he played it well - The author's words--his native wit Combined, achieved a perfect "hit" - The papers praised him greatly.

Ballad: THE TWO MAJORS.

An excellent soldier who's worthy the name Loves officers das.h.i.+ng and strict: When good, he's content with escaping all blame, When naughty, he likes to be licked.

He likes for a fault to be bullied and stormed, Or imprisoned for several days, And hates, for a duty correctly performed, To be slavered with sickening praise.

No officer sickened with praises his corps So little as MAJOR LA GUERRE - No officer swore at his warriors more Than MAJOR MAKREDI PREPERE.

Their soldiers adored them, and every grade Delighted to hear their abuse; Though whenever these officers came on parade They s.h.i.+vered and shook in their shoes.

For, oh! if LA GUERRE could all praises withhold, Why, so could MAKREDI PREPERE, And, oh! if MAKREDI could bl.u.s.ter and scold, Why, so could the mighty LA GUERRE.

"No doubt we deserve it--no mercy we crave - Go on--you're conferring a boon; We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave, Than praised by a wretched poltroon!"

MAKREDI would say that in battle's fierce rage True happiness only was met: Poor MAJOR MAKREDI, though fifty his age, Had never known happiness yet!

LA GUERRE would declare, "With the blood of a foe No tipple is worthy to clink."

Poor fellow! he hadn't, though sixty or so, Yet tasted his favourite drink!

They agreed at their mess--they agreed in the gla.s.s - They agreed in the choice of their "set,"

And they also agreed in adoring, alas!

The Vivandiere, pretty FILLETTE.

Agreement, you see, may be carried too far, And after agreeing all round For years--in this soldierly "maid of the bar,"

A bone of contention they found!

It may seem improper to call such a pet - By a metaphor, even--a bone; But though they agreed in adoring her, yet Each wanted to make her his own.

"On the day that you marry her," muttered PREPERE (With a pistol he quietly played), "I'll scatter the brains in your noddle, I swear, All over the stony parade!"

"I cannot do THAT to you," answered LA GUERRE, "Whatever events may befall; But this I CAN do--IF YOU wed her, mon cher!

I'll eat you, moustachios and all!"

The rivals, although they would never engage, Yet quarrelled whenever they met; They met in a fury and left in a rage, But neither took pretty FILLETTE.

"I am not afraid," thought MAKREDI PREPERE: "For country I'm ready to fall; But n.o.body wants, for a mere Vivandiere, To be eaten, moustachios and all!