Fifty Bab Ballads Part 20

"Besides, though LA GUERRE has his faults, I'll allow He's one of the bravest of men: My goodness! if I disagree with him now, I might disagree with him then."

"No coward am I," said LA GUERRE, "as you guess - I sneer at an enemy's blade; But I don't want PREPERE to get into a mess For splas.h.i.+ng the stony parade!"

One day on parade to PREPERE and LA GUERRE Came CORPORAL JACOT DEBETTE, And trembling all over, he prayed of them there To give him the pretty FILLETTE.

"You see, I am willing to marry my bride Until you've arranged this affair; I will blow out my brains when your honours decide Which marries the sweet Vivandiere!"

"Well, take her,' said both of them in a duet (A favourite form of reply), "But when I am ready to marry FILLETTE.

Remember you've promised to die!"

He married her then: from the flowery plains Of existence the roses they cull: He lived and he died with his wife; and his brains Are reposing in peace in his skull.

Ballad: EMILY, JOHN, JAMES, AND I. A DERBY LEGEND.

EMILY JANE was a nursery maid, JAMES was a bold Life Guard, JOHN was a constable, poorly paid (And I am a doggerel bard).

A very good girl was EMILY JANE, JIMMY was good and true, JOHN was a very good man in the main (And I am a good man too).

Rivals for EMMIE were JOHNNY and JAMES, Though EMILY liked them both; She couldn't tell which had the strongest claims (And _I_ couldn't take my oath).

But sooner or later you're certain to find Your sentiments can't lie hid - JANE thought it was time that she made up her mind (And I think it was time she did).

Said JANE, with a smirk, and a blush on her face, "I'll promise to wed the boy Who takes me to-morrow to Epsom Race!"

(Which I would have done, with joy).

From JOHNNY escaped an expression of pain, But Jimmy said, "Done with you!

I'll take you with pleasure, my EMILY JANE!"

(And I would have said so too).

JOHN lay on the ground, and he roared like mad (For JOHNNY was sore perplexed), And he kicked very hard at a very small lad (Which _I_ often do, when vexed).

For JOHN was on duty next day with the Force, To punish all Epsom crimes; Young people WILL cross when they're clearing the course (I do it myself, sometimes).

The Derby Day sun glittered gaily on cads, On maidens with gamboge hair, On sharpers and pickpockets, swindlers and pads, (For I, with my harp, was there).

And JIMMY went down with his JANE that day, And JOHN by the collar or nape Seized everybody who came in his way (And _I_ had a narrow escape).

He noticed his EMILY JANE with JIM, And envied the well-made elf; And people remarked that he muttered "Oh, dim!"

(I often say "dim!" myself).

JOHN dogged them all day, without asking their leaves; For his sergeant he told, aside, That JIMMY and JANE were notorious thieves (And I think he was justified).

But JAMES wouldn't dream of abstracting a fork, And JENNY would blush with shame At stealing so much as a bottle or cork (A bottle I think fair game).

But, ah! there's another more serious crime!

They wickedly strayed upon The course, at a critical moment of time (I pointed them out to JOHN).

The constable fell on the pair in a crack - And then, with a demon smile, Let JENNY cross over, but sent JIMMY back (I played on my harp the while).

Stern JOHNNY their agony loud derides With a very triumphant sneer - They weep and they wail from the opposite sides (And _I_ shed a silent tear).

And JENNY is crying away like mad, And JIMMY is swearing hard; And JOHNNY is looking uncommonly glad (And I am a doggerel bard).

But JIMMY he ventured on crossing again The scenes of our Isthmian Games - JOHN caught him, and collared him, giving him pain (I felt very much for JAMES).

JOHN led him away with a victor's hand, And JIMMY was shortly seen In the station-house under the grand Grand Stand (As many a time I'VE been).

And JIMMY, bad boy, was imprisoned for life, Though EMILY pleaded hard; And JOHNNY had EMILY JANE to wife (And I am a doggerel bard).

Ballad: THE PERILS OF INVISIBILITY.

Old PETER led a wretched life - Old PETER had a furious wife; Old PETER too was truly stout, He measured several yards about.

The little fairy PICKLEKIN One summer afternoon looked in, And said, "Old PETER, how de do?

Can I do anything for you?

"I have three gifts--the first will give Unbounded riches while you live; The second health where'er you be; The third, invisibility."

"O little fairy PICKLEKIN,"

Old PETER answered with a grin, "To hesitate would be absurd, - Undoubtedly I choose the third."

"'Tis yours," the fairy said; "be quite Invisible to mortal sight Whene'er you please. Remember me Most kindly, pray, to MRS. P."

Old MRS. PETER overheard Wee PICKLEKIN'S concluding word, And, jealous of her girlhood's choice, Said, "That was some young woman's voice:

Old PETER let her scold and swear - Old PETER, bless him, didn't care.

"My dear, your rage is wasted quite - Observe, I disappear from sight!"

A well-bred fairy (so I've heard) Is always faithful to her word: Old PETER vanished like a shot, Put then--HIS SUIT OF CLOTHES DID NOT!

For when conferred the fairy slim Invisibility on HIM, She popped away on fairy wings, Without referring to his "things."

So there remained a coat of blue, A vest and double eyegla.s.s too, His tail, his shoes, his socks as well, His pair of--no, I must not tell.

Old MRS. PETER soon began To see the failure of his plan, And then resolved (I quote the Bard) To "hoist him with his own petard."

Old PETER woke next day and dressed, Put on his coat, and shoes, and vest, His s.h.i.+rt and stock; BUT COULD NOT FIND HIS ONLY PAIR OF--never mind!