More Toasts Part 104

--_Samuel Butler_.

There is no vice so simple, but a.s.sumes Some mark of virtue on his outward parts.

--_Shakespeare_.

Thus 'tis with all--their chief and constant care Is to seem everything but what they are.

--_Goldsmith_.

Dare to be true. Nothing can need a lie; A fault which needs it most grows two thereby.

--_Herbert_.

HYSTERICS

Father, teaching his six-year-old son arithmetic by giving a problem to his wife, begs his son to listen:

FATHER--"Mother, if you had a dollar and I gave you five more, what would you have?"

MOTHER (replying absently)--"Hysterics."

"IF"

_See_ Fords.

IGNORANCE

A professor noted among his students for the caustic wit had in one of his cla.s.ses, one year, a young man who was both ignorant and conceited. One morning he made a specially self-satisfied display of both these characteristics, and the professor said he would like to see him at the end of the hour.

When he came up after the lecture, the professor asked: "You are Mr.

Junkins?"

"Yes, sir."

"Have you a visiting card?"

"I--I--yes, sir," stammered the puzzled student.

"Then, Mr. Junkins," the professor said dryly, "write down on your visiting card all that you know, and bring it to me tomorrow."

ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS

Returning home from a scientific meeting one night, a college professor, who was noted for his concentration of thought, was still pondering deeply on the subject that had been under discussion. Upon entering his room he heard a noise that appeared to come from under the bed.

"Is there any one there?" he asked, absently.

"No, professor," answered the intruder, knowing his peculiarities.

"That's strange," murmured the professor. "I was almost sure I heard some one under the bed."

IMITATION

Imitation is a confession of limitation.

Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.--_Colton_.

IMMIGRANTS

_See_ Board of health.

IMPUDENCE

_Put in the Bill_

When in Canada last, Mr. Kipling was so dissatisfied with the hotel accommodations that he gave the landlord a severe call-down. Said he: "Of all the hotels under the s.h.i.+ning sun, I have never been in one that for unmitigated, all-round, unendurable discomfort could equal yours."