More Toasts Part 105

After the landlord had withdrawn in great indignation, Kipling asked for his bill, and he discovered that the last item was, "To impudence--three dollars."

He that has but impudence, To all things has a fair pretence; And puts among his wants but shame, To all the world may lay his claim.

--_Butler_.

There is no better provision for life than impudence and a brazen face.--_Menander_.

INCOME TAX

We saw Diogenes the other day with his lantern.

"Still looking for an honest man?" we asked.

He shook his head mournfully.

"No. I gave that up long ago. I wish I'd stuck to it. It wasn't half so hopeless as what I'm doing now."

He certainly did look despondent, and our hearts went out to him.

"What are you looking for now, then?" we asked.

He sighed. "I'm looking for a congressman who made out his income tax without anybody's help."

We don't know who it was who wrote the income-tax blank, but we are certain that he stole his style either from Robert Browning or Henry James.

_Income Tax Tips_

(_All replies to questions in this column given free of tax._)

PUZZLED--Don't be bluffed. Simply put all extra leaves in dining-room table, grasp tax return firmly with both hands, and throw it flat on its back. When you have it down brand it on first page with hot ink.

C.H.--Yes, algebra may be used in figuring your return. Personally we employ trigonometry, altho many prefer calculus and a couple of lawyers.

TAXPAYER--Your problem is as clear as a Chinese laundryticket. Simply deduct the net profit of losses (plus inventories at end of year) and add income from salaries, wages, bonuses, director's fees, and pensions. Nothing to it!

J.J.C.--Refer to Table 113 on Page 11, Section 28, Part IV of return.

Then if Item 86, Schedule V, line 7, exceeds the sum stated in Item 21, Page 9, Schedule Z, get another blank form.

CONFUSED--No, you should have figured the amounts in Items 34, 60, and 69 as net losses from Wear and Tear, Obsolescense and Depletion Charged Off (see K (2) on Page 8 of Instructions) before entering total in Item 94, Schedule O. It's perfectly simple.

L.F.--Don't worry about your next year's tax. You may not have any income.

_See also_ Profiteers.

INDUSTRY

Andrew Carnegie was once asked which he considered to be the most important factor in industry--labor, capital, or brains? The canny Scot replied with a merry twinkle in his eye, "Which is the most important leg of a three-legged stool?"

Industry is not only the instrument of improvement, but the foundation of pleasure. He who is a stranger to it may possess, but cannot enjoy; for it is labor only which gives relish to pleasure. It is the appointed vehicle of every good to man. It is the indispensable condition of possessing a sound mind in a sound body.--_Blair_.

Protected industry, careering far, Detects the cause and cures the rage of war, And sweeps, with forceful arm; to their last graves, Kings from the earth and pirates from the waves.

--_Joel Barlow_.

In every rank, or great or small, 'Tis industry supports us all.

--_Gay_.

The great end of all human industry is the attainment of happiness.--_Hume_.

"From what you tell me, Sam, you have been a busy man all your life."

"Yes, sah; yes, sah."

"You've done a great deal in your time and day, Sam, I guess."

"Yes, sah. Dat is, I's done a good lot in mah day, but it was in de boss's time, sah."

INFANTS

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank-roll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.

A small boy was taken to see the new baby, whom he eyed very critically. "Why, he's got no hair, father," was his first remark.

The fact was admitted. "And he's got no teeth, father," was the next comment. The circ.u.mstances could not be denied. "I tell you what, father," was the final observation, "you've been swindled; he's an old one."